Verbal Daggers

by EH
(Canada)

I knew there was something wrong when I was growing up but I couldn't figure it out until a few months ago. All these years I have been blaming myself for not being good enough and for making my parents upset all the time. Little did I know, both of them were emotionally abusing me in different ways.

Both of my parents have said very hurtful things to me. "You are the worst person in the world", "You are a horrible daughter", "No one will ever like you", "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?", "You are stupid for not following my exact instructions", "Having a dog is a lot cheaper than having a child", etc. These were all said in a loud, furious voice.

Ever since I was four, my dad would yell at me and swear at me whenever I did something wrong and sometimes he would also hit me. The last time I got hit was when I was fifteen, but he threatened to hit me a few months ago, I am currently twenty-two. The reason I would get hit was because of something as simple as forgetting to turn off the light which really isn't a big deal. I was expected to be perfect in everything I did. Even though, he did not specifically say these words, my fear of getting hit drove me to think this way.

He called me son even though I was a girl. If I did a good deed, he would say "good boy". Whenever I did something he didn't like, he would say "bad girl". I also wore hand-me-down boy clothes from my cousins and had a very short hair cut. I was often called a boy and really questioned my sexual orientation. My mom worked a lot when I was younger and she was emotionally distant. I try having conversations with her now, but she doesn't look at me when I am talking to her and she doesn't even listen to half of the things I say.

I was never able to explain myself that I made a mistake and forgot. There were no conversations, just commands. They never hugged me and never kissed me. They don't know anything about me and never really cared to ask. It sometimes feels like I am living with strangers or roommates.

My experience at home has caused me to have anxiety, depression, fear, self-esteem issues, perfectionism, and intense worrying about what others think of me. I have been seeing a psychologist for almost seven months now and I am surprised how much I have grown mentally.

For those who are suffering from abuse in any form, I highly recommend going to therapy. It has taught me so much that I would not expect. I wish that others who are going through abuse can realize it sooner than I did so they that they will be able to take control of their life again.