Still Surviving

by Name Undisclosed
(Belgium)

I'm a nineteen-year-old girl now. But my father abused me, and it still has consequences to this day. It started when I was four. My dad said to my mom that he was going to raise me and my twin sister alone since she "didn't" do a great job.

It started with cruel punishments, like scrubbing your hands until they bleed since they where too dirty. Or putting you in your underwear in a room without heat in the winter, standing for hours. Or eating moldy food because it stayed too long in your schoolbag since you were too scared to even show him you didn't eat it completely. This was one of the causes I stopped eating completely at one point. He taught me the policy of having no emotions at all times.

But then he started to brainwash my little twin sister. Showing she was boss over me, and I was just a slave. And then at still age of four he sexually abused me for the first time, saying it was a game and it was our little secret and it was super normal but it is supposed to be a secret since if someone told it wouldn't be normal anymore. Later on he said he would kill me and my mom and twin sister, which I really believe until this day. Because over the years, it only began to get worse and worse.

My sister started bullying me at school and my father raped me constantly. My mom became seriously ill, and at four years old, was also my first suicide attempt and at six I ran away. At 9 I was constantly in hospitals for being underfed and became skin to bone. At eleven I had my first seizure, what later was being diagnosed as psychologic epilepsy, which ruined my future.

At age of 10 I saw my first psychologist, but I never said the truth about my home. At age 13 I was caught with a serious overdose and was brought to a mental hospital. But now still not telling the truth, but even lying about it to still say I was getting raped but changing the person who did it to a complete imaginary person. You see I was too scared, since he strangled me, pushing me off the stairs, almost paralysing me. He tried to kill me already hundreds of times.

You would say it is weird having suicidal thoughts, but not wanting him to kill you. Well, I wanted at least my death to be my own. My innocence gone. Emotions gone. Love gone. Trust gone. Hope gone. Life gone. The only thing I have is death.

My seizures went on, only getting worse and at a certain point it was hard to hide all the bruises, so people at school asked me regularly about it, but my dad send us to a club where it was common to have bruises. We also where never allowed to go to a doctor, but he couldn't control the school calling ambulances.

He didn't leave a trace. He raped me from behind so I couldn't get pregnant, and there was nothing to prove and I thought it was pretty normal which made me to producing child porn on my own since I was taught it was normal. Also, everyone is too scared to say something so he is still to this day a free man but luckily my parents got divorced at age 15 because of a mental hospital they took my mom to and recommended her to divorce my father if she ever wanted to see me again. Still don't knowing what actually was happening in my house but I guess even that has symptoms.

I went to a lot of different psychologists and mental hospital but with no luck since I can't trust anyone, not even my mom or best friend. Now my father drags us to court for money and we have a big chance of losing the house and losing any chance of a future for me since I can't work with my seizures and my mom can barely walk anymore with her illness (MS).

I have found a school program but you will not be considered as a student what means I will have no support and my mom needs to pay for my sister a lot which led us to be being on the streets for the near future if I don't find a way to earn money even if I need to put myself as a disabled person which I don't want even if I have the rights for it.

So maybe I'm a survivor, but I am not done with surviving. So short version: mental abuse + physical abuse + sexually abuse + brainwashing sister = dad brainwashed sister = bullying at school.

Also got physical and mentally abused by two teachers and bullied in every school I went to, even kicked out of school because they couldn't handle my seizures anymore. Disabled mom can't help me. I need to help her. No family to turn to. Me = child porn still learning emotions possibly no future, psychologic epilepsy for life, not being able to have a intimidate relationship, even kissing or saying I love you. It is too much not being recognised by society. But for everyone, this is how it ended up for me since I was too late. Sso tell your story if you think something wrong happens to you. Tell it early. And you are not alone!