Sexual Child Abuse: What Do Boyfriends Think?

by Dawn
(Ontario, Canada)

I want to start off by saying - I know this isn't an advice column - and I'm asking for a perspective, but am not interpreting it as advice for my situation...I would just like to hear the perspective of boyfriends - and what is going through their minds when a girlfriend discloses sexual abuse in her past. Do you feel like you'd prefer knowing - or was ignorance bliss?

In my situation, I feel like eventually I need to tell someone I'm intimate with (although, sadly, at this point in time, I just can't have a sober conversation about it). I have trouble saying "no" to this day when I am uncomfortable - so feel like it's important for them to know upfront...especially since there are times where I feel like my behaviour/intimacy issues need some sort of explanation.

Obviously, I have lots of issues - and this weighs on any relationship I have...twice I've told boyfriends...I just don't know if it's helpful for them to know. One actually told me (after we'd broken up - we remained friends) that it was just a huge turn-off and he couldn't enjoy being with me (sexually) after that. He explicitly said that he thought it weighted heavily on our sex life...which I'm sure it does...the other boyfriend was a bit more sensitive in his reaction - but basically was worrying about the same things. He seemed to forever be worried about things he'd said to me, etc. in the heat of the moment...I felt like it changed the way he related to me.

I guess I feel for myself like it's important for a boyfriend to know (even though I don't usually disclose and can't actually have an adult conversation about it right now). It seems bad to bottle it up - but I definitely worry about how boyfriends take this kind of information...I worry about the judgement they may or may not be passing as well.

Just wondering what's going through your heads.