Scars to Victory

by Kaname
(Wisconsin, USA)

I've tried writing out my story but I don't know how people will react to my story or react that I am a transgender writing this story....I don't know where to begin. I feel so scared about writing what happened to me but I know that I should bring my feelings out even to share the story. Here we go;

This situation involved with me, having a very religious aunt, being in a religious school and being bullied by others.

My Aunt is very religious, she would say things out of hatred about the LGBT community, even everything else. From what I've known about her before she became very religious, she was once a lesbian and had a partner. Her life was bliss until she caught "Mikayla" cheating on her with her ex-girlfriend. That made her snap and she turned to an outlet which was her becoming very religious even having hatred towards the LGBT.

There would be at times where she would scold me if i was wearing above the knee skirts she would say; 'Wear skirts that reach to your ankles! If you show your knees you'll attract men!' or 'Do you wish to be a slut?!' At times she would slap me, hit me if i say something back to her. Even telling me that saying something back to her is "sinful".

She was also putting pressure on my parents of getting me into a religious school, since she said it'll keep me pure until I get married. If my parents want to put me in a normal school she would counter back telling them that they have untamed boys, that will rip me of my purity, they hunt down a girl almost like finding a female dog in heat, assault me, and would treat me wrong.

Also she was the one who put me in a religious school behind my parent's back....

When I was originally born a girl, I had a masculine side and wanted to change that even to change my gender. The first time I told my mother about my true gender Identity was when I was around 4 years old.

I know it sounds very crazy but this was the age I said to her.

She and My dad were supportive of my decision of becoming a boy, I was 12 years old when I started my journey. Started the hormone treatments, went for surgeries like Mastectomy to turn my breasts into a male's chest, but once we had gotten the surgery of transforming myself into a male we didn't do the female genitalia to male genitalia surgery since we decided that the surgery was too much. So i had to stick with my vagina, even the uterus within me.

My parents figured out that my aunt put me in a religious school by discovering a uniform, not wanting to argue with her they kept me going to that school. Personally I believe that God is kind, a merciful sweet, indulgent man and loves everyone no matter what they did he'll still love them. Not the psychotic, racist, homophobic, transphobic, wrathful "god" that christians believe in.

I came to school different wearing a male uniform than my female uniform. Everyone was staring at me, they were almost shocked to see me different, immediately their faces turned into absolute disgust.

The kids were talking about me out of pure hate. They would say things out-loud, so I could hear, it all started to put my self-esteem down.

All of them started to insult me, pushing me around, slamming me into lockers, kicking me, punching me, calling me names, etc.

They all said to me; 'Go to hell', 'God hates abominations!' 'Kill yourself!'

All of them were trying to get rid of me by force. Even the worst part of it was; the teachers never stopped the bullying since they didn't want to help an "abomination". Since if I was pushed around in the halls, the teachers would be there but they didn't do anything to stop them.

The desk I had was ruined as well it said what they all had said to me. I always tried my best to avoid that school at all times, but whenever I hear that my aunt was coming over in the afternoon. I had to force myself to go since I feared her.

At that school, I was sexually assaulted by one of the boys. He was one of the popular kids at that school, it was in the showers when he assaulted me, I was in my daily bleeding and I bled on my pants so I had to wash myself off. That is when I felt hands on my shoulders, I found myself thrown on the floor.

I felt him on top of me he pinned my hands above my head. I struggled to get him off me, but he was stronger than I was. I tried to use everything I got to get him off, but he laughed at my attempts and mocked me.

There I felt his fingers fondling my crotch area, I screamed at him to stop, but he didn't. He snapped at me saying that he'll slit my throat and allow my blood to go down the drain. He called me a "slut", "whore" and as other kids would call me; "Abomination"

After he was done assaulting me, he gave me a threat saying if i told anyone he would rape me. Even slit my throat after he was done.

I kept everything what happened to me inside, forcing me to go to that school, where the bullying just got worse. All of them heard, they all called me "The Abomination Whore of Babylon", depression took over me and I nearly took my life by swallowing some ibuprofens.

When I awoke from being passed out, I was in the hospital. My parents were crying both of them were scared that they were going to lose their son to death, I survived my suicide attempt. They asked me why I nearly took my life; I answered them by telling them the whole truth about me being bullied and sexually assaulted.

From my honesty, they took me out of that school since from what I told them that the school never did anything to stop the bullying. So now I was homeschooled, since my parents feared for my safety. I was placed on anti-depressants and go to see some therapists to help me out with my depression.

Also about the boy that assaulted me, it turned out he sexually assaulted and raped some other girls from different schools. Sadly, both girls committed suicide, since they explained to someone that they were raped but they wouldn't believe them, they were bullied to no end by other classmates, since of what they had said about him.

As a whole, society beats it into people that the victim was the one who did something wrong. Not the actions of the person who put themselves on them. When most people think of rape, they think of some woman getting attacked in a dark alley, dragged into the bushes, and raped. The truth is most victims know their attackers, whether he’s a family member, a friend, or an acquaintance. There’s a perception, that “boys will be boys” and that the victims—usually girls—did something to encourage their advances. That’s an excuse. That’s like saying drug addicts will be drug addicts, that’s just what they do, or that’s just what robbers do. It’s the same as saying, ‘Well, she came over to the party, so she must have wanted it,’ or, ‘She took the drink so she must have wanted it.’ People shouldn't blame victims for what happened to them, they should be attacking the person that raped them.

No one has reported him, so he is sadly going free as he pleases.

Not until I learned that he was caught in the girl's locker room at the school where I used to go to, he was assaulting a classmate. He was arrested, I went to his trial and wanted him to be in jail. He was sentenced one year in jail and a five year probation for having unlawful sex with underage teenagers. He was register as a sex offender throughout the duration of his probation.

His parents blamed us, along with the girl that he assaulted for putting their son in jail. But instead of me and the girl getting harassed even bullied, the parents were being bullied for having a sex offender as a son, along with that they should have made him a good boy instead of a rapist.

Then it comes to my Aunt, I wasn't afraid of her anymore, I didn't had to hide my fear from her. I became stronger, I became a better person.

She came over, when I walked into the kitchen, she was talking with my mother. She asked if that was "Hana", when she said yes. My aunt exploded with anger, she yelled at my mom for making me change my gender.

She also called me a bigot and told my mom she along with my dad were going to hell for making me change my gender.

When she was yelling, I stepped in and stood in front of her. I told her that I love for who I am and I discovered my true identity, if she had a problem with it, she can just get out of the house. Even my parents backed me up by yelling at her as well by blaming her for putting me into a school where I was bullied non-stop everyday even not telling them about it.

My mom yelled at her to get out, which she did. From that day she never came back to our house ever. Not even a phone call.

I'm living a great life, I have two siblings that love me for who I am, even though at first they were confused of when I told them that I was originally born a girl and wanted to be a boy, they still loved me.

I also have a boyfriend, who loves me for me. I literally met him when he accidentally crashed his bike into me, what a way to meet your true love.

But after what I've been through, it left me in scars but then I came out living victorious out of all of the torture I had been through when I was in that school and my aunt.

There are many people who've been through the same, even having being sexually assaulted or even raped by someone they do or don't know.

You may feel alone, but in reality you are not alone there are many people out there who’ve been in the same situation like you’ve been.

No matter what has happened to you or what you are going thru you deserve the best in life. We all deserve to be happy and loved.

No matter how hard the road is to recovery, you deserve to break free of the cage that held you back and kept all emotions inside of yourself, you deserve much better things in life and taste happiness even being free once again.