Relationship Violence Story From Laurie

by Laurie
(England)

My story is definitely not the worst: 
You have anger problems. You explained that back while I was judging you, and I accepted it. I was stupid enough to believe you, that you could control it enough to never hurt me. I love you, I really do. And I know you care about me, as well. I know it hurts you everytime I flinch away when you make a sudden movement, and I hate the look in your eyes as I try to pretend I hadn't cowered.
You're a really nice guy, with a great personality, but you have a big problem :/ You get annoyed at the smallest things extrememly easily, and once you're pissed off you're destructive. You lose control, and don't realise what you're doing for a short while.
When you come back round, and see me curled up with my hands shielding my face, you softly call my name. You ask if I'm alright, tell me you're sorry, shake me and try and make me look at you. If my smiles not 100% believeable, which it rarely is to you 'cause you know me so well, you stress out again, but this time hurting yourself (Headbutting walls, punching metal etc) , until I grab your wrist, push against your head and force myself in between you and whatever you're hitting yourself on. "Get the f**k out of my way, now!" and struggle against me slightly. I pin your arms and hold you close, and even though you're over half a foot taller and a lot more muscly and broad shouldered than I am, you quit resisting after a few moments. I never get mad at you, but you hate yourself for ever hurting me. I always try to convince you that you've done no wrong, but you wont believe me :/
You hate yourself, put yourself down, deny my support and disagreements.
And you know what? That's what hurts me the most. Seeing you wake up from that spell of emotion, scared and ashamed and hating yourself for what you've done. I can't leave you or feel sorry for myself. I've got to help you, even if it means putting myself in danger :/

The slightest things set you off. You'll be playing a game, I'll be on the laptop. The laptop will make a sudden noise as a pop-up appears, and you'll scream at me and make me feel like s**t. You'll be annoyed at something, and I'll try to console you. Sometimes it works, sometimes you go into a rage and consistently headbutt, elbow, punch and throw me around. Other times, I'll be feeling really ill and say 'no', and beg with you, and fight to throw you off. But you'll just laugh and tell me I love it really.
The only time you ever take me seriously is on the occasions where I can't take much more, and I break down crying. You act like you're in agony then. What goes through your mind, huhh? I love you, you mean the world to me. I just wish you'd stop causing yourself pain :/