Relationship Violence Story From Lauren

by Lauren
(Australia)

I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We met when I was 17. There were always signs, but at first I really loved him. Now I really don't. I now see very clearly what he does: the manipulation, the control, blaming me for what he does, the swearing and violence. But I let myself believe the voices of fear that I just can't break up with him, and that maybe things will get better, or that it's not that bad. But nothing ever gets better. He will never change. And even if he did, it would be too late.

I'm so frustrated, that I won't leave and go out and enjoy myself, be myself again. I have no strength. I feel so lost. I do talk to my friends, but find it too hard to open up to my parents. I can't admit to the way I've been treated by him because it would hurt them so much. I really hate what he's done to my life. He won't ever change because he doesn't even see what he's done. He's rarely apologised, and if he does, he goes on to tell me how it was my fault and I left him with no other choice.

Like the time when he made a joke, putting me down in front of his friends, which led to a drunken fight of him swearing at me, pulling my arm and leaving a bruise on my face from covering my mouth when I screamed to get away from him. So many incidents like that have happened: him banning me from drinking without him and going out without him for a year, while he went out without me, always implying that I'm flirting with other guys, always needing to know where I am, always telling me to come over to his house and making extreme demands on me to prove my commitment.

He's hit me, shoved me, called me a bitch and slut. He was my first, and I trusted him. Then he said to me, if I ever got pregnant, "You know you couldn't keep it, don't you." Yet I think to myself, it isn't that bad. Your boyfriend should never ever lay one hand on you. He should never say one mean-spirited thing to you, because it isn't love.

I don't love my boyfriend anymore. I resent him for all that I have lost. I don't trust him not to hurt me. I don't feel safe, comfortable, or protected when I am with him. This is not love, and I understand that I shouldn't be hard on myself because of the dynamics of an abusive relationship. But I need to get out. His behaviour won't change because he doesn't see it. He doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions. All that he does comes from his own insecurities.

Any abusive guy is not strong or powerful. They are weak and so very insecure. You must get out, because it only gets worse.

I hope my story can help someone.

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