Relationship Violence Story From Erika

by Erika
(California, USA)

I'm 27 and about 3wks ago I ended a 3 yr relationship with the father or my 16 month old daughter (he is 24). 2 yrs of our relationship consisted of lies, cheating, and abuse. I know in my heart and repeatedly tell myself that I made the right decision by asking him to leave...yet i find myself in a position where i feel empty without him. I'm smart, college educated (nurse), not bad looking at all and have an awesome personality. These are all traits that others have also pointed out to me and yet my mind plays the stupid game of "If everyone else can see this, than why wasn't I good enough for him to want to change and fear losing me?". The physical abuse stopped when my daughter was 3 months after a really bad incident. He had came home from a night of going out and I confronted him and asked him to leave because I was DONE! He had been drinking and FLIPPED!! He bit me, grabbed my face and head butted me, threw me to the ground and persisted to try and stomp on me all the while I was carrying our 1 month old daughter. AT that moment I truly felt that i was going to die, and how unfair all of this was to my beautiful baby. I was able to call the police and he was sentenced to ONE month in jail for DV (domestic violence). After serving his time he came to me swearing he was a changed man and that he couldn't believe that he did that to me. He said the time he spent in jail away from me and our daughter was a life changing experience that made him realize if he didnt change he would lose us. So like a fool i believed every word. Who doesnt want a relationship with the father of their child to work??? For a while all was good AND then the verbal abuse started. If we argued he was quick to say "Shut the F**k up" or call me a B*tch or wh*re. If i didnt understand how to do something he would say "how can you be so smart yet so dumb?", if I didnt agree with something it was because i was always against him, or so thats what he thought. I now realise how all the put downs have effected me. Due to the fact that we do have a child i cannot just CUT him out of my life, so there is still contact. To this day he blames me for the reason we didnt work out. He says that had "I" just changed and kept my "sweetness" that I had when he 1st met me he would've kept his. He would say that since i'm older I should've been the adult when we argued and not stoop to his level by arguing back. WOW!! The nerve right? I know this is not true and that the abuse from the start was NOT my fault and that for all that he has put me through the only emotion he deserves from me is HATE. Yet i don't hate him. I miss having him around and i focus on the good aspects of him, the sweet guy he was capable of being. Because of course he was not always a jerk. We laughed, were able to hang out and have a genuinely good time together. Even broken up he's able to get to me. He tells me the day is going to come when he moves on and meets someone else and that there really is going to be no hope for us. He says he is "offering" me the opportunity to work it out so that in the long run once he's truly gone I don't suffer. The thought of him being w/ someone else and possibly treating them the way i deserved to have been treated makes my stomach turn. YET I know that too will fade and the poor girl will suffer the same as I did. I don't know what to do. I don't know how my soul moves on and lets go. I wonder when enough enough and when and how can I reach that. I know all of this is so wrong and had it happened to my sister I would tell her RUN and don't look back. So why is it that I can't tell myself that? I'll be honest...I want him back and the ball as of right now is in my court. I want to believe that for US he can change. I fear that If i wait too long he just might let go and then what? this is all so twisted and I realize that. I grew up in a loving home and don't have answers as to why I put up with this. i don't want my daughter to think this is a way a woman should be treated. I am so very confident yet at the same time I don't feel good enough. I don't need him financially what so ever, in fact its the other way around. I have my own place, car, great career, and the blessing to wake up to our daughter every single day. I don't know how to undo what has been done to my self esteem? I want to get to the point where i'm okay with him moving and tell as well as believe that one day i will get better.