Relationship Violence Story From Caroline

by Caroline
(Michigan, USA)

The Worst Night Of My Life: 
This night still haunts me now, it's been months but nothing really dulls the pain.
I have a best friend, and she has been my best friend for such a long time, that i can barely remember a time when i didn't know her. I have been spending the night at her house for years, and her older brother and I were friends, or so I thought. My best friend, G, and her older brother, J, and I would play truth or dare until it started to get light out. I always idolized J in a sense, he was like the male figure in my life I never had, because my own father would emotionally abuse me by calling me fat(i'm five two and about 100 pounds), worthless, annoying, etc.
J and I started to talk a lot over texting during the summer when I was going into high school because their family was moving and I didn't see much of him anymore. We started flirting a bit, nothing too big, but as months passed it escalated to making out in the hallways of my school and sending dirty texts/pictures. During all of this, he was 17 and I was 13(I'm 14 now). I saw nothing wrong with this situation despite my friends concerns, and as time went on I became convinced I was in love with him. I still do believe I love him, even considering the circumstances.
One night I was over at my best friend's house, and he was there. I wasn't expecting anything, because normally he would order me through text to come to him to have sex or give him a blow job, but usually I could avoid it by falling asleep. I didn't want to do anything sexual with him, but I believe I led him to believe otherwise, despite my purity ring. That night G and I fell asleep around midnight, but I woke up around 2 and had to use the bathroom. We were sleeping in the basement so I had to go upstairs to use the restroom. I walked up the stairs and found him on the computer. I ignored it and went to the bathroom, but at that point I was too frightened at what he might do with our sudden time alone to actually do anything in there. I waited for an appropriate amount of time, and I came back down the upper level to the middle (they have a tri-level house). I found him standing there gesturing to me to follow him. I was shaking, but I obeyed because he had hit me before if I refused to comply with his wishes. He never hit hard, but that was at school. I was scared, and I was tired. I did what I was told and wound up on the middle level bathroom with him making out with me. I was unresponsive to say the least, and I kept trying to pull away to say no, that my best friend was downstairs and that I didn't want to do anything with him tonight. He persisted, and he started pulling down my pants. I repeatedly said no, he consistently ignored me. He penentrated me with his finger, and my eyes rolled back in my head from the pain. He told me how tight i was, and seeing my reaction in my eyes, he took that as pleasure and started licking my vagina. I was too shocked to say anything, and I pulled on him to get him to stop. He stood back up and started kissing me again and put me on the counter and held me so I was on top of him but he wasn't in me. I started tearing up, and he ignored my pleas to stop. He told me he wanted to f*** me. I said no. He stopped what he was doing and said "Suck my d*** or I'm f***ing you". I froze. He started to pull down my pants again, and I told him I'd do it. I got down on my knees, he forced me to hold and stroke it first, then he held my head so I'd go up and down. When I had finished, I told him I was leaving. He said if my best friend wasn't awake in five minutes, I would come back upstairs and let him f*** me. I ran down those stairs and kicked at my best friend until she woke up. He came down to get me, and she woke up and told him to go away.
He left us and texted me about ten minutes later. He said I wasn't allowed to tell anyone what happened, and that there would be "consequences" if I did.
I did tell people. I don't know if what happened was his fault or mine, really. Because I led him on. He hasn't apologized for it, but there's been no repeats since one time after. I just miss who he used to be, and I'm sad that I can't be near him anymore without feeling fear.
Thank you for listening to my story. Feedback would be appreciated, because I still don't know. Was I not firm enough in my refusal? Should I have told his parents? I guess I'll never know.
-Caroline.