Relationship Violence Story From Alex

by Alex
(United Kingdom)

With its hard to know where to begin. There's a lot I can say, but it all makes me too upset and disgusted at myself. I am a 14 year old boy. And I guess it all started when I was born.
My family were strict Catholics and I was born of rape as abortion is forbidden. My mother was already married with my 3 year old brother when I was conceived, and her husband left her then. 
I spent the first 5 years flitting between mother and my uncle, whom I never liked much. When I was 6 he would send my aunt away to the town for hours on end and would then proceed to make me undress and touch me. He would make me touch him and I didn't understand that it was wrong. All I knew was that he would hurt me if I didn't obey.
The pain was indescribable and I couldn't stop crying and screaming for over a week. I did tell my mother and it was taken to court. But apparently I was "too young to be sure of what happened"- the case was dismissed and we moved away to England.

I have always known I was gay, even before this abuse, and so it was no surprise when I found myself attracted to the head boy at my school; D--. Within a few months we were dating, and it all seemed okay, until for some unthinkable reason I confided in him the story of my uncle. After that day, he would tease me and pinch me and ask if it turned me on. I hate to admit it, but I guess I'm masochistic.

Anyway, he began after that to be a lot more violent and I sort of liked it, until the rape started. I was 12 by this point, so I guess I should've been able to handle it; I couldn't. 
One time when he was biting and scratching my neck I couldn't help but cry and I started fumbling around the desk behind me where I found a pair of scissors. I stabbed him in the side, and he hit my face against the desk and broke my jaw. We later agreed in hospital that if I kept silent, he would keep silent about me stabbing him- it all seemed like my fault.

A few months ago, I had enough and I dumped him. This was 35 minutes before I was due to take part in a showjumping event. He yelled at me and I was so scared. I don't remember much except him turning around and hitting me in the chest, then stomping on me when I was down. I couldn't breathe for a while but I managed to stagger to my feet and mount my horse.

After the first jump I simply blacked out from the pain and woke up in hospital. I had never seen him cry before that day but he was so kind to me that I agreed to take him back and (after my mother died) I moved in with him. (apparently he told them I had broken my ribs when I had been involved in a crash off my bicycle which never actually occurred)

Since then I've attended boarding school and have very limited contact with him. As for the memories... I can't put up with it and I can't escape it. I've tried suicide but I've failed countless amounts of time. This is the first time I've spoken about this, and I guess that, for now, I am a survivor and I'm just trying to concentrate on my studies. School is hard and I constantly get horrible graphic flashbacks in my dreams. It's affected my life in so many ways- I can't bear to be alone with another boy and not even a straight one. I have trouble sleeping and I haven't been able to cry for a long time. But I guess life goes on.