Ongoing Childhood Trauma

by Rachel
(Oklahoma, USA)

They say forgive and you will forget. I have forgiven but never forgot. Every day I'm reminded, the years of being molested by my best friend's dad at the age of 6-8, too scared to tell anyone because I didn't know what he was capable of.

This wasn't supposed to happen again, then it did, over and over. Then that night…that night I couldn't bear to keep what was happening a secret, putting his penis in my mouth at the age of 7, exploring the parts of my body that I was told were private.

I was done hiding something that was traumatizing me. I was done hurting physically and emotionally, not caring of what he would do if I ever told.

So that night, I woke up my best friend with the words, "I have to tell you something." I hesitated to tell someone who could end this forever, then quietly blurted out, "Your dad touched me." I felt relieved that I wasn't the only one knowing what was happening, but that relief quickly turned into helplessness when she said, "No, he didn't do that." And with my stupid words that replied, "You're right", but didn't understand why she would think I would make that up. I never brought it back up to her.

Years later, I made another best friend and I told her what I told my old friend, and that, that is what freed me from him because she told her mom, who told my parents.

I thought it was over when he was sent to prison, but that was only the beginning. My brother decided to take his place...then my friend's cousin decided to take my brother's place. Again and again, I could never flee from bad experiences that made me into a 20-year-old woman who has been suffering from anxiety and depression.