Not Silent Anymore

by Sammie
(West Virginia, USA)

In a close family, everyone loves everyone. Nobody would have thought true horrors were happening behind closed doors.

I was about five years old when my much older cousin J--- started abusing me. I loved him. He was the brother I always wanted. He was the only one who made me feel loved and I trusted him. I thought he loved me. We always had so much fun together. We loved playing the GameCube together. We done everything together. He was my best friend. Then one day things got weird.

I had no idea what was going on at the time, but I still remember everything perfectly. Once again like many times we were in his room watching a movie. He asked me to lie beside him. Nothing out of the ordinary for us. He asked me if I wanted to play a new game. One only we could play because I was his favorite. Of course I said yes. I felt his cold shaking hand as he put it down my shorts. At first rubbing me through my undies. I didn't say anything. He kept going and went under my undies. I didn't move. He asked me if it tickled. It did. He told me this would be our new game from now on and it's called ticklish. He done a couple other things to me that day, not yet full on rape.

Every chance he would get he would molest me. He made a secret spot for us in our grandma's attic, he done a lot of his bad deeds with me up there. I was so easy to manipulate back then. Not all of the abuse hurt. For awhile he was gentle. He was treating me good so I wouldn't tell.

He built me a big blanket fort in his room one day, the only way I could come in though is if I sucked him. That's when things started to get worse.

I thought he loved me still. I thought this is what close cousins do. It's always the person you wouldn't think that would do something like this. The day he decided to penetrate me is the most traumatizing. I began to cry because it hurt so bad. He got really mad at me. I've never seen him so mad. Every time I'd cry he'd hit me. Eventually I was nothing but tears. He didn't care. He muffled my sobs and kept going. I'll never forget the pain I felt inside. After he finished he cleaned himself and my parts of his semen and my blood. He held me close and told me I was a good girl for listening to him.

The acts on me only became more sadistic.

Sometimes in his bursts of anger he would hold me down and choke me almost to unconsciousness. I didn't understand why my best friend wanted to hurt me.

He continued abusing me up until I was nine. Our family had branched off into another city so we didn't see each other as much. I was so confused. I never told anyone.

As I got older I realized he had just used me for his sick acts. I was so heart broken. I still am. I'll never get my childhood back.

It's been over 10 years now since the last time he's hurt me. On a good note, today I messaged him on Facebook confronting him about the whole ordeal. I asked him not to respond back. I think I shouldn't be silenced anymore.