Comments for My Husband Abused Daughter

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Feb 01, 2016
 Mary:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

It may sound as though he's giving you a convincing argument, especially given that he didn't lie about what he did, but right now, it's empty. He says he doesn't know why he did what he did. But think about it: A grown man inappropriately touching and getting an 8-year-old little girl to touch him has serious problems.

If you give this man another chance, when he has shown on more than one occasion that he will touch your daughter, you are putting your daughter at even greater risk. If you give him another chance, you will be going against what you told your daughter: that you would protect her. You cannot protect her as long as he is around. You cannot always be there in person to prevent him from doing something. And when you can't protect her because you chose to give him a second chance (that is, if you do or have) then she will see this as you lying to her. And further, that you chose him over her. And when he does abuse her again, this time he will be able to tell her that you (her mother) will pick him over her, and he will use that over her...and she is far less likely to tell again because you didn't keep her safe after she told the first time. It won't matter that she did the right thing by going to you the first time. All that will be negated if you choose to allow him to come back into your lives. I cannot tell you how many times this issue comes up on this website, where a mother allows the abuser to stay, knowing that he abused her daughter, only to have him continue with the abuse.

The fact that he provides for your family cannot give him the right to do what he's been doing, and even worse. If you consider keeping him around because he is the sole provider for the household, then if and when he does abuse your daughter again--and likely worse next time--you will have enabled him to do so. I know that's not what you want for your daughter. You want to be a good mother. And you probably are a good mother. You certainly told her all the right things when she came to you...and it's a testament to your openness with her that she felt safe enough to actually come to you. But if you don't act and make sure he never has the opportunity to abuse her again, you will basically wipe away all that you told your daughter.

It's your actions, not your words, that will keep her safe, Mary. You must step up for your daughter, not for what this molester brings to the table. Reach out for whatever services are available to you and your daughter within your community. You didn't say where you live, but if you're in the United States, contact Child Help Help at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). You can visit their website by copying & pasting the following URL into your browser: https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

I send you and your daughter love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me, Mary.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Feb 01, 2016
 Mary.
by: Anonymous

You have to leave him. You have to get law enforcement involved. You are your daughters protector, she came to YOU for help.

I've been alone & pregnant, it's scary. But you can do it. Show your daughter you can be as strong as she was by telling you.

Let me give you a synopsis, my history. My stepdad touched me when I was a little girl, my mom was pregnant, I never told because I didn't want her life to be hard with two kids. As an adult I truly hate & resent her for choosing the "wrong man". We have no relationship, i keep her & my stepdad away from my kids. This is what happens when trust is lost. It alters the childs perception..and life, forever.
Feb 04, 2016
 For Mary
by: Carol

I'm very sorry you are in this predicament. Just like you want to protect your daughter I'd like to protect you from your husband and this situation.

I copied what you said here because it is a flag:

"My daughter told me when that happened when he was kissing her and while she was grabbing his part that he was telling her that he loves her, care for her and dont want anyone to take her away from him.

He didn't just do this one time. Its just a little harder to recognize the first time because it might still seem innocent - like the first time was a test for him. To see how far he could go - telling her to lay on top of him and grabbing her butt. That's the first time because he doesn't recognize it as crossing the line. Because that is the grooming part - "I love you" "I don't want anyone to take you away from me." There's a hint at "don't tell" in order for a possible future situation. Then he takes it a step further because he hasn't been stopped yet. You are so lucky your daughter told you right away when it started so you can make it stop right now.

Abusers, child molesters, always beg for forgiveness, promise they won't do it again and they sound very sincere. They can't stop by themselves and they certainly are never cured. They gain your trust and manipulate situations so they might even have opportunity while you're in the next room or even when you're in the same room. Even leaving your daughter alone in the room with him for 2 minutes is enough to touch her inappropriately.

You need to report him so he is forced to get help and so he can't use the courts against you if he decides to go for custody. I don't know how to emphasize getting your daughter away from him, the sooner the better. I hope you are already way ahead in this and your daughter is safe and not worrying if its going to happen again.
Feb 07, 2016
 Please leave
by: Anonymous

I beg of you to leave him. Do not trust him. Do not ruin your daughters life or your unborn child. It will only get better if you leave, but might take a few years to feel right. You can do it! It will not stop.
Feb 08, 2016
 I'm the first Anonymous in comments.
by: Anonymous

I agree with Carol all the way.

He used that tactic as a manipulation.
Oct 23, 2016
 protect her please
by: Anonymous

HI mary,
I work for a charity that specialise in helping women recover from sexual abuse. I haven't read the other comments yet and I realise that you posted this a while ago but hope you get this reply. Please don't take your husband back, he abused your little girl and he will do it again I am sure. I know you rely on him financially and don't know where you are in the world or if you get can any welfare, but you need to try to get him out if you can, her safety is much more important. If you cannot get him out as you rely on his money for food then you must never ever leave him alone with her, not even for one second. PS, this is not your fault , good luck xx
Sep 16, 2017
 from the other side
by: Anonymous

I was once the daughter in this scenario. Though it is difficult, your daughter needs you. Unfortunately, my mother did not stick to what she told me, which was that she would protect me. I am now an advocate at a domestic violence and sexual assault shelter, and I to this day cannot quite get closure. It has always felt to me that my mom did not find me important enough to get out. Her actions discredited every time she told me I was innocent, and that I had done no wrong and she supported me. Please do not further traumatize your relationship with her.

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