My Child Victimized

by Elizabeth
(California, USA)

Once a victim of abuse...now the mother of possible victim by the same abuser: First, I'll give a brief story of my personal experience as a child, then I'll end with my current situation, and fight I will start, this very day, today.

I was molested as a young girl, by my oldest brother. I was afraid, and didn't speak out and tell my parents until I was 22 years old. After co-existing with my abuser my whole life, I finally spoke up and told my parents. At first they were supportive and I felt safe. But as the years went by I have changed medication, I have severe anxiety, depression, paranoia, post traumatic stress and it has all stemmed from living with my abuser for my whole life.

I was mentally stuck as a 5-year-old scared girl. I was constantly bullied, abused mentally, emotionally, and would get beat up by my oldest brother...to the point where it completely messed my whole mind up...but basically...some ways I remember him abusing me was through stuffed animals...he has a ant eater stuffed animal... and he would make me kiss it...and kiss me...he would use objects to penetrate me...I remember him jumping out of his bedroom window on the second floor because he heard my dad looking for me...I remember thinking I had started my period in the 3rd grade...but as an adult now I know that wasn't the case...he was so scared...and I remember being afraid telling my mom not to tell anyone that I started my period...and my mom was so blind to it all...but anyways...the real reason I'm sharing my story is because of my two-year-old child.

I have been up most of the night...packing my 2-year-old son's belongings, as well as my own...I've been laying here next to my sleeping toddler, researching and doing my homework on all aspects and signs of child molestation...I am a victim of child molestation, and even after all the effort and constantly keeping my son in my sight, literally. Even when I'm taking a shower, my bathroom door is open and I'm watching through the mirror at my locked bedroom door where my napping toddler is on a daily basis...and all that still didn't protect my son from the evil person who molested me as a child. My oldest brother. He doesn't live in my family's home but he seems to pop up EVERY SINGLE TIME I take a shower...within 5 mins he comes walking through the front door. Even if it's locked...my son was out of the house, getting food, with my mother, so I hopped in the shower set my timer for 10 mins, thinking I'd finally get to enjoy a shower without staring into the mirror the whole time watching the door...and finally get some privacy...3 mins after my alarm went off I hear my son screaming "Mommy" and banging on the bathroom door. I didn't even know they were back. I jump out of the shower. Opened the door. Grabbed my son pulled him in the bathroom then threw my towel on, turned off the water and got my stuff, opened the door to see my oldest brother standing in the hallway only wearing basketball shorts...I rushed to the room with my son and locked the door and immediately took off his diaper and checked his butt and smelled his mouth...my heart sank the minute I saw his little butt red inflamed and irritated...and even worse ...the feeling of failure the moment he flinched and said "ow" when I touched around it...the same little perfect baby bottom I changed less then 30 mins prior...looked completely different. How could I be so selfish? I feel like if I would have never been selfish to take that shower...he would still be "pure" . Now this person, knows I know...because within the hour he physically assaulted me out of nowhere in the laundry room...and I locked my baby in the room with the monitor on so I could go get our blankets without anything happening to him...I checked to see if my abuser had left my home...his car was gone...but he wasn't...now he is tampering with my home...I went to see if he was here...and found 3 razor blades randomly by the front door...I have to take action. Even though I know there is a chance he can and will do everything possible to try an get my son taken away from me.

I can't lie. I'm nervous and scared. My child is my heart. And I'm afraid of losing him. But, I know that I have no other choice but to take action and protect my child...and myself...pray for me...please. I feel like I'm 5 years old again. The fear is uncontrollable...but my desire to protect my son is giving me faith that I won't go one night without my baby by my side.

Today's the day. Thank you for listening...to who ever reads this.

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