Mother Chose Boyfriend

by RAM
(Philippines)

I was the youngest in our siblings. I always felt loved all the time by the people around me. I had great elementary days. Had lots of friends. Always an honor student.

I don't know when did it all start to effect on me. I remember, when I was around 9 or 10 years old, my eldest sister got married and had her first child. I was close with her husband, maybe because I am looking for a man figure in the family. Oh, forgot to mention my mom was a single parent and all of us are girls. Anyways, like I said, I was close to my brother-in-law. He used to play with me. Like ride on his feet, and then bounce as if I was riding a horse. It was all an innocent thing for me. I was just little at that time. But I never thought that it was something to him. Everything goes, not normal or not proper I may say, when he started to touch me in a pervert manner. Those strokes on my back, gives me chills when I remember that now. He asked me things like, if I'm not wearing brassiere or undies. Things not really or shouldn't be asked.

Then one time he kissed me. I ran and felt really bad about it. It felt wrong at that time. I was confused. I didn't know how to react back then. I began being distant to him since. I never told anyone about this. Knowing that it might be the reason for their separation. Worst part is I still see him every day since we are living in the same area. It's like scratching the same wound every day.

There's also that guy who used to sell my mom perfume. I was maybe 12 at that time. He was kind. But there was a time when I was holding my baby nephew in my arms. He started to touch my nephew's foot which was just hanging above the shorts I am wearing and then intentionally put his hands on my feminine part then pinched it. I know it was intentionally because he looked at me and smiled. The kind of smile that gives shiver in your spine. I never told anyone about this.

When I was working, maybe I'm 15 or 16 years old, my boss' eldest son, who had a wife during that time, likes me so much. He always wanted me to accompany him and his mom when they are having trips. He says that I looked exactly like ex girlfriend. He always say that he wanted to give me scholarship so I can go to college, which was good, but in return I'll be living in his house and I'll be a maid and an affair. I never agreed to that. He then tells things that he will gonna do. Like we'll have kid. Then I'll be living in a separate house. Sort of that things.

Then one time, I was on my boss' house to get some foods that my co-workers and I will be eating for lunch. I didn't know, he was waiting for me there. He called me, and hold my face and tried to kiss me. I struggled hard and said no repeatedly. Thankfully the maid was there. He was shocked because he didn't know she was there. He immediately went out of the house. None of us three had talked about it. I just didn't know if the maid told it to anyone. Again, I never mentioned it to anybody. I resigned from work after few weeks.

I felt bad when my mom said she's going to have a husband soon. We argue about that before but I stopped fighting her about that when she said that I can't give her her needs.

She then left me alone in our house for like a week or two on several occasions and left me a little money for food. This happened while I was still in my senior year in high school up to my working days. That's when I learned how to drink and went home intoxicated.

The last incident which proves me that no one is there to stand for me is when my mom finally introduced her boyfriend to us. He was a kind man. Easy to get along with. I then accepted him in the family. But one time, my mom caught him peeping on me in the bathroom while I was having a shower. I heard everything even though my mom tried to lower her voice. I heard her confront him, ask him what he is doing, then forced him to leave the house and to go back to his province. I never told her what I knew. My sisters then ask Mom why her boyfriend left. She told them that they had a misunderstanding. But never told what really happened. I understand her, I think maybe she just didn't want them to know that what he did was really bad.

But a month later, she and her boyfriend were together again which really hurt me. It is as if she choose her boyfriend even though she knew that he's not really a great guy, as if nothing had ever happened. Since that I never really feel the same way with her.

Whoever reads this will know my story. Those were the memories I can't forget no matter how hard I try. And I also want you to be aware that your child might be a victim too. Please be observant. Always look after your child. It might not affect them now, but I know those experiences will effect on their future or how they will deal with those kind of situations if ever they were repeated. I may not have the worse case scenario, but those things really affected my adulthood.

Until now, at the age of 22, I am still dreaming of being molested. I also know that I also have a fault, because I didn't reported or told it to anyone. I admit, I was afraid back then. Maybe because, I'm afraid I might be scolded, or I might get in trouble or worst I might not be believe by the people around me. Please listen to your child, if you feel they acted strangely or some things has change, talk to them. Never be angry at them. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen.

I'm 22 years old now. Had a live in partner in life. We had been together for 5 years. I have never told him any of these things. Had a 3-year-old son. But I'm still suffering up to this day. I am afraid to go outside, that feeling that all eyes were on you. Then my heart beats fast, then I'll start to feel hotness in my face. I also suffer from extreme change of mood. I easily get mad or irritated at little things. I get sad and depressed most of the time. I still had repeated nightmares about being chased by a bad guy (always end up being caught).

I know that I really need professional help, but psychiatric care is just for the 'crazies', they say. In our place, they say that depression is just a overly dramatic thing that people do to get attention.

But through this site, I know that someone will understand what I am going through. Thanks and God bless everyone.