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Sep 10, 2014
 Rose:
by: Darlene

Something I learned a long time ago: If I relied on justice for the abuse I suffered or responsibility taken by my abusers for my own happiness, I would never find that happiness. We cannot change the response or the actions of someone else, no matter how much we want to or think we need to. We can only change our own. That is all we have control over, Rose.

Something else I came to understand in my own healing was that as long as I expected justice or responsibility taken, I was the one in prison, I was the one who continued to suffer. And that meant that my abusers continued to control me. When I realized the last part, that they were still controlling me, everything changed. You can't change what happened to you and all the terrible things your father and his mail order bride did to you. What you can change is the relationship you have with the story. And by story, I mean what you keep telling yourself about what happened to you. Change your perspective, Rose. Change what you tell yourself. Because it's only in that change that your healing can really begin. It's only in that change that you can break the bond your abusers continue to have over you.

You don't deserve to be in this prison. You deserve freedom. What they did to you was not and never will be "okay". And choosing a different path so your healing can begin is not saying that it was okay. It's saying that you are worthy of living life to it's fullest, without the shackles that keep you bound to those abusers. You're too worthy NOT to follow that healing path, Rose. I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Sep 11, 2014
 Unspeakable at best!
by: Anonymous

Rose, you are not a loser; you are an amazing person. You are not worthless; you are worthy of kindness, respect, dignity, protection and love. As for making jokes about torturing and hurting you, that shows how uneducated and ignorant they really are. I hope you've tried counseling/therapy because no more secrets can help break this awful cycle of abuse and helplessness.
Sep 24, 2015
 Would like to share with you...
by: C (Manitoba)

I'm so sorry you have experienced so much abuse and feeling unloved. You have had so much physical/emotional abuse as I did.

I'd like to share with you how things got better for me. I decided to leave my family and not have anything to do with them - sometimes I still talk with my sister but she lives far away from where I live. She understands and has experienced what I have. (I am in Canada too)

I realized one day that my family was not going to change and they would keep hurting me till they didn't have access to me. I left. I decided to stop looking at what they were doing because it just kept hurting me. I decided to start over on my own. I found new friends and moved to a different town. At first it was hard because I was still dealing with memories and I missed having a family. Sometimes they would call or show up at my door and act nice. Then they'd turn around and start abusing again. What good does it do if the family you have keep hurting you, right? If I tried to imagine how things would be in 10 years, it didn't look like it would change. My mom said proudly after I hadn't been home for a few months, "see we haven't changed a bit." She was proud about that. She denied a lot of the abuse even though it happened right in front of her.

After I left my family, it became easier because I didn't have to keep wondering if I could trust them, what they did or said. I knew I could trust them to abuse me. I didn't have to wonder if my mom would drug my kids again, etc. It didn't matter if they made up stories and told lies about me any more. I didn't have to wonder any more if my dad would try to trick me or my kids to do whatever it was he wanted. It was over. I wouldn't allow this any longer. I gave myself a new day to start again. 35+ years later I have a good job and I'm good at my job. If I was still with my family I'd probably still be in the mental hospital. I'd probably still be cutting. I'd probably still be having lots of crazy drama in my life. And I might have lost my kids because I was becoming an unstable mother. I don't see/hear all the hurtful things they do any more. . I still have to deal with memories but I don't have to keep steeling myself to face them to walk on egg shells and take the shaming or humiliation. It just doesn't affect me like it used to. Life is so much calmer and I'm med free for many years now.

So this is just something to consider if you think it could make your life easier. It's not the right answer for everyone but I hope you find a way to have peace in your life. :)

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From Victim to Victory
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