Lifelong Effects of What Some Do Not Consider Child Abuse

by Ashamed
(USA)

Lifelong effects after being hit/spanked: 
By many people's standards you could say that my upbringing wasn't abusive, but it affected me and the effects still linger. From the time that I was a little girl and I was spanked By my father I started having spanking fantasies which involved a man and a little girl. I found these fantasies to be very sexually satisfying and I've had them throughout my childhood and adolescence and adulthood. As a child I didn't even care that I was going to be hit or spanked, I became more and more defiant got hit/spanked more and more and was constantly having those fantasies of beatings. As an adult I have a problem with self mutilation. It has become obsessive. I can't seem to stop. I scratch myself until it hurts then I put a bandaid with ointment on it and it heals and then I do it again. I used to do it until it would bleed. I also was very sexually repressed for many years and it took years of therapy for me to get out of it. I have trouble being assertive and independent because I was taught to be submissive. Losing weight and looking good and attractive creates tremendous anxiety within me because I can't seem to bear looking attractive. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I'm glad your site exists. I needed to get this of my chest.