Life Changing Experience

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

Last year my two youngest daughters (age 4 and 3) disclosed that their 13-year-old brother had touched them and had tried to put his penis in their mouths on separate occasions. A few days before this I caught him trying to sneak into their room while naked, clutching an erection. I went bananas when I found him. I lay in a dark room one night when I was twelve while my dad abused my sister (I didn't know what he was doing until the morning when my 10-yr-old sister told me). So when I saw him I went nuts. My husband had to hold me back, I was going to kill him. This incident promoted me to ask all 3 girls if anything had ever happened. To my horror I found out that he had been doing things to them for a few months. I also woke to find him masturbating right next to me a few weeks before - he told me he was looking for his phone so he could look at porn!

I reported him to the police the day after the disclosure where he was arrested & charged with 2 counts of sexual assault against my daughters. The youngest (only 3) refused to tell the police anything but my middle daughter told them everything. My son was taken to a relative's house for 10 days then allowed home where there was a safety plan in place (pressure mats outside their rooms etc).

The authorities felt that my son made a big mistake and that it was just sexual curiosity. Everything was fine until two weeks after my son was discharged from Social Services over 1 year later and we lifted the pressure mats. We were starting to trust him again. He showed great remorse and swore he would never do it again. We could see how hurt and disgusted with himself and we trusted him to babysit for 30 mins. When we got home all was well. All girls sleeping. Son downstairs. He said the girls were fine & he hadn't heard a peep out of them.

Next morning, middle girl was crying about a dirty toothbrush. I was in a rush and thought she was just causing a fuss so she didn't have to brush her teeth. That evening in the car, my middle girl said she had a sore mouth and I told her it was because she didn't brush her teeth. She told me she couldn't brush them because it was dirty, it had pee on it. I asked her to explain. She told me that when I went out last night my son had taken her out of her bed and taken her into my room where he begged her to touch his penis. She said she told him she didn't want to, but felt sorry for him cause he was begging, so she did it. He then asked her to put it in mouth. Same again, she didn't want to, but he was begging & she wanted to make him happy. He put it in her mouth, the ejaculated on her mouth (she thought it was pee) she then ran to the toilet spat it out then brushed her teeth.

I felt and still feel terrible. How could I have let this happen again. What did I do to him to make him such a monster. I drove him to the police station where I made a statement. He was arrested the next day and charged with rape and indecent assault. No family member would take him because of what he had done, so I volunteered him up for care. He was taken into care the next day. He admitted the indecent assault but not the rape. It went to the children's panel where the rape charge was dropped, as there was not enough evidence. The result of the hearing was a 1-year supervision order for him to stay in care until Aug this year. He is suicidal he hates himself and is very lonely.

My husband and I reacted very well. We still love him and forgive him, but will never trust him again. He is not allowed contact with his sisters until they have had counselling. This happened late June and mid October they still had had no counselling. They are desperate to see him again and they are worried they won't ever see him. Our middle girl appears to have had no ill effects and says she loves him and wants him back. Our eldest girl says it's all our middle girls fault big brother has gone. She doesn't understand why she let him do it and she has guilt too, as she saw him take her away and did nothing.

I reassure my girls daily that it was not their fault and they have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty. Big brother did a very bad thing and he is being punished. My youngest regularly asked me 'if I'm bad Mummy, will you send me away?' It's horrible!!!

I have been off sick since it all happened and I don't want to go back. I blame working full time on why this has happened. I have neglected my precious kids and failed to spot the signs. My hubby lost his job in last May and only started working recently. The day after he got the job, we found out I'm pregnant again (baby #5, hubby 40, me 37 when baby born). I feel that my son would feel like I'm replacing him.

Since the incident, I have been on antidepressants and beta blockers for anxiety. I'm off them now because of baby, and I am so depressed & anxious. I was starting to feel better, starting to rebuild our shattered lives. Now I feel like it is all falling again.

I feel that it must be my fault, I raised him. What did I do???