Keep Living

by Amanda
(Texas )

Here I am, a girl who has been through some messed up stuff in life. I think that typing this down would ease my mind a bit and help me grow as a person, so I want to share with my experience with you. Not for attention, but for the fact that people go through this stuff often and they need a voice.

Growing up I didn't have a great and picture-perfect life, most people don't. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone by name. This town was also filled with drug abusers and dealers, perfect place for kids to grow up right. My dad was put in jail for drugs, was out of my life for the most part till a few years ago, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I remember when I was younger. All of my brothers’ friends being at the house and being protectors to my brother and I while my mom was out partying, or when they did their own thing we stayed with our grandma. When we were home, one of Mom’s many boyfriends would start to live with us. When they got drunk my mom would sleep while they would sneak into my room and sexually abuse me. This happened for a majority of my life.

My brother and I got into the CPS system, because of drugs being sold from our house. We moved with my grandma and we only got supervised visits. When we were finally allowed to go back home we moved. 3 hours away from all of our family and friends, because the cops constantly watched our house. We moved to another small town in Texas. At this time my mom had a boyfriend who she loved, but who was also very toxic. This guy was an alcoholic, who slowly turned my mom into an alcoholic. Parties were thrown almost every other weekend and lasted till 6 in the morning. We were so poor, when my brother and I were hungry, my mom would tell us we didn't have money, which was a lie. They always had money for beer and the parties but never for food. Being so poor that my brother and I ate baked potatoes with mustard to give them flavor because we didn't have salt.

This man she loved so much sexually abused me from the 4th grade to the end of my 6th grade year. When I finally told, it felt like it was pretty much my fault. She only wanted him to tell me sorry. Another CPS case opened causing us to move to our grandmas 3 hours away. While there I began to lose hope that we would never be alright and that we would never be okay.

One day in my dream, I saw God and he told me that everything would be okay and we would see our mom again and that life would get better. We lived with my grandma for a while and at this time my faith was stronger than ever and when we went back, my mom was better and that man was out of our lives. Everything was good. Till my freshman year.

My dad had got out of jail. He wanted to see us. We went to go and visit him. That was the biggest mistake ever! He cared more about a girlfriend that he had than any of his kids, which broke my heart. I tried everything to be a part of this man’s life, and he just kept on ripping out my heart! He broke me more when he said we weren't his. One day, he packed up and moved. We never heard from him again.

Being in high school is hard. You get bullied for everything pretty much. I was bullied for not being skinny or pretty enough. This was such a terrible time till junior year of high school, but from freshman to sophomore year I thought about how dying would be so great and that I wouldn't be in pain no more. But I pushed through it because I knew I had more to live for.

Fast forward to my junior year of high school, we just started school. It was our first game of the year and as the band was practicing for the show later that day I was called to the office. As I'm making my way down there the principal was running towards me and told me that everyone was trying to reach my mom and my brother and I, because my grandfather had stopped breathing. He takes me to my house to tell my mom and then takes me back to get my stuff, and my brother. When my mother arrives to the school he asks her to step into his office. We don't know what he said to her, but when we got into the car she had gave us the news that our grandfather, our pops, had passed away. This caused a piece of me to die. He was supposed to live to see us walk the stage. He was supposed to give me away when I got married. And just like that he was gone.

We missed school for a week, nearly two. It's hard to get over and you really never get over it. You live life one day at a time and you cry but you pick yourself up because you know they are in a better place.

Living life can suck a lot and you get depressed so much that you cry every night and you even dream about death, but life gets so much more easier. It has speed bumps yes, but you get through them. Keep living life! God has a beautiful plan for everyone, you are still getting worked on. Keep on being great!! Smile and cry when you need it.