Journey of Pain

by Kyung D. K.
(New York, USA)

I will start by telling you how I became aware of my trauma. It started with a friend always speaking of how wonderful a book was. I was wondering why such a book felt familiar, almost as if I've read it somewhere else but it was my first time reading such a book. I kept thinking and relishing the wonderful after effects of the book.

Then about a month later it hit me. My own cousin, abused me when I was younger. I've repressed that part of my memories deep inside, to forget my experience, the nightmare. My innocence, my childhood, and me myself were shatter in those moments of abuse.

That was a year ago. Lately I have been regressing back to certain points of my abuse. I hated his touch and his breath, I was scared at his shushing. Each time I remember that memory once more I shake in terror and anger. I am disgusted at myself because what he told me felt true. My body reacted to his touch and my body got excited, but that is not true. I didn't know it was NOT a game. I didn't know it was NOT healthy for me. All I knew at the time was what he told me. It became not my secret, nor our secret I had to keep, but HIS secret I had to protect. He used fear and my love to keep that secret undisclosed. When I revisit that moment in my life, I become immobile and I cry. I cry at work, at home, with friends, and at church. It happens and I cry. I just tear up and I cry from fear. I shake and I can't function. I lose feeling yet I feel cold. I become numb and dizzy and nauseous. I hear him say "see it's healthy. Look at that! It feels good right!"

Then I go back to my friends who have not shamed me. Who have cried with me. Who has given me wonderful gifts and I change the memory of fear and disgust into a memory of the smiles and laughs of my friends.

They re-assure me every time, that event doesn't define me, I am loved, I have been hurt and broken but they love me all the more. They tell me they are there for me. They told me to remember a specific mentor, friend, and amazing human being who has a wonderfully contagious laugh of his and I can't help but smile. That memory of abuse will affect me, but the support and laughs of my friends will have a greater affect. That is what I felt and that is what I know.

Thank you for reading and to all those struggling daily because of an event out of your control, you are loved. It doesn't define you. Don't be ashamed of an event you had NO control over. That is NOT your fault and you are NOT to blame. You are wonderful and it'll get hard, but lets together pull through it!!!