Welcome to my World

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Grand Isle, Vt. USA)

Before the memories

work in progress, just testing how to work my pages at this point.

Refugee

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Grand Isle, Vt. USA)

Jennifer

Ok, so here I am sitting at the computer at 5pm Sunday evening, February 17th 2008 with a half smile on my face. Has it been hard to heal? Hell yes. Has it been worth it so far? Hell yes. I have come so far in the past two years since the recovery of my visual memories and am learning daily how to incorporate them into my life in a "healthy" way. Is this even possible? That is where the answer "There has to be a healthy way" comes in. There is no option other then to face my experiences dead on and deal with what has been done to me so that I may live and in return help others to get stronger.
My story is a long one, and at times it might seem like I am going in circles or that I repeat myself, I repeat myself alot. When I was a young girl my Uncle Licked my vagina until I had an orgasm, that pretty much began my introduction into the world of sex. Not nice. In high school(I graduated in 1990) I was very promiscuous and built up a reputation as a fighter and a whore. In 1997 I gave birth to a bi-racial boy and moved to another state to try for a better life for the two of us. I went back to school and obtained my associate degree in fine art and became more and more interested in the relationship between Art color and skin color, the physics of color and race relations. I won't get into it now but whew!, it can be pretty intense!. Well, still in denial of my abuse and labeled with many different medical diagnoses, I began to withdraw more and more from life and my son was suffering. I made the decision to call in help and ten years later my son now lives in a very healthy and happy home with my sister and her family. I have no regrets and still speak with him, but it was better for him to have a childhood than to be my caregiver. I probably will fill you in on the details later but other than crying, drinking and smoking cigarettes alot there's not really much to tell, yeah I lost my son but I allowed him a chance to become a man.
I started to remember my own story when I went to the local coffee shop I used to hang out at in high school and met up with a guy who was in the circle of abuse I was in. It was pretty weird looking back at the events now but damb, so is this bloody story. I actually had grown up some, believe it or not, and although he hadn't gone to college and wasn't the type my "artist" friends would hang out with, I began a relationship with him anyway. I do not think it was strange that I found him to be good looking, or that I was sexually attracted to him. The fact we were severely abused together as kids is awful and having met up with him as an adult was put in front of me for a reason. So here's how I began to remember, One day out in front of his mother's house she came out to his truck and said to me, and I quote "So You're the British Tart"., Uh...What? I said to myself. What did you just call me? and now I like to use the visual analogy that the polaroid memories began to fall into place like dominoes. Yeah, I know base awful. Well I had pretty much zero advocates left and when I tried to get others from another different state to listen to me they just made my situation here in the United States unbearable. Listen to this, I was regrouping, again, in my umpteenth hospitalization when I noticed they had me filed as a male on my chart. Yeah, some typo. So, this is when I began to think about getting myself out of the United States, and I actually drove myself up to the Canadian border in Quebec and asked for amnesty, asylum, refugee protection whatever it wants to be called, and was able to write a 10 page paper giving names, dates, and details to the Canadian government. It gets worse(not really, but you all are the first to actually listen to me) Well after a year of living as a refugee, oh and get this the slang word for garbage in Quebec is pu-belle(my name is Jennifer Bell, remember) Well the Canadian Government said no. I did not need protection and was to go back to where I came from. Enter...my knight...a friend I met and was living with there followed me down into the US and we got married this past July. LIFE...to be continued.

Relationships after abuse

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Grand Isle, Vt. USA)

ummm...

Hey, another night time thought...how can I have healthy relationships with people now that I know what unhealthy ones are.Hmmm...Well, I'm not sure what to say, I married a really great guy who came to get me every time I needed rescuing but I can't seem to rescue him from himself. I know he has suffered quite a bit of his own but I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to carry both of our burdens for the the two of us. Oh...I'm scared and tired. Any opinions?
Thanks,
Jennifer

Associations - Cylindrical things

by Jennifer Bell-lang
(Grand Isle, Vt. USA)

Dysfunctional Childhood

Ok, it's early some morning and I'm in the mood to write. Well you haven't heard this part of my story yet and it's hard for me to bring it up because no one really wants to believe me but it did happen and I'll tell you it. When I was around ten years old and I was living in an apartment complex with my sister and my mother and after I had already begun to be sexually active I witnessed a pretty horrific scene that has left it hard for me to breathe some days. So here's how my mind remembers it.

Visual #1 - Yeah so we lived in an apartment complex and we had an outdoor pool I used to go swimming in a lot. One day I was coming out of pool using the stainless steel ladder when a white guy standing in the pool next to the ladder on my right tried to help me out but fondled me instead by sticking his finger up into me and moving it around. I remember holding so tight to the handles of that ladder and it imprinted a memory into my bones. I was afraid, very scared and grossed out at the same time.

Visual #2 - I'm sitting on the toilet in the downstairs bathroom and looking down at my crotch and notice my first dark hairs. It scared me in a way that it felt like the black fourth of july fire work snakes you light on the sidewalk and they grow into about a six inch thingy. Smelly, some sort of carbon and sulfur that leaves a black spot in the pavement when it's done burning.

Visual #3 - So, I'm walking out by my apartment one day and I hear these terrible screams coming from across the road. You see I had heard those screams before and I knew that fear, I knew that echo. I ran over to stop the screaming and to help. I was going to get them to stop. So I looked through the sliding glass doors and saw a neighbor on his hands and knees and my Uncle and this boy's father standing over him using some sort of violence on his backside. I was frienzed and looking around me for something to help and caught the light flash off a silver lead pipe, grabbed it and while I'm screaming I smash the glass on the door, dropped the pipe and ran home still screaming. I was found under my sisters bed, threating to put a fork in an electrical outlet and was brought be ambulance to a children's hospital in Connecticut. I remember the room I was put in had bars on the windows and I could see the lights of the city across the river.

Memories I Never Had

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Grand Isle, Vt. USA)

Self Portrait

Ok, thanks for the support and here goes with the rest of this. So I rescued this boy, my neighbor from this abuse but what happens next is what hurts me the most. Well I dropped the pipe and ran home screaming. I ran to my apartment and ran upstairs and under the bed and threatened to put a fork in the electrical outlet but my mom called the ambulance in time and I remember them looking at me from under the bed and I remember going out to the ambulance with them with a stuffed animal in my arms. I was hospitalized for what seemed like forever at the time in a children's hospital. I was put in the padded room a few times when I was having really bad screaming fits, they had a swimming pool and an arts and crafts room. I remember drawing with puffy paint pens on t-shirt fabric, I liked colors, they made me feel more comfortable. I remember a lot of different kids there of all colors and I was well liked. We would go on hikes in the woods and I remember walking in the leaves in the woods. It had to have been fall, closer to halloween, it was getting cold and when I arrived there it was still warm. My mom came to visit one weekend and brought me a plate full of cookies which I wasn't supposed to have in my room. I was supposed to turn them in but I was being spiteful and hid them under some of my clothes in my closet. Well, one of the nurses came in and found them and took them away.
I finally went home and I went to visit the boy. He had sisters and a brother and they brought me into their apartment and I saw the boy sitting on the sofa with his head all wrapped up in white. There were cartoons on in the background and I was put upon my knees and begun to suck his penis. His mother came in through the door on my left and found me like that. I was then brought up into the bedrooms where I was stripped naked and photographed with others. The mother kept calling me a British tart and when it was over I remember getting the chills in the doorway as it shut behind me almost instantly trying to block out what had just happened. They had told the boy that he had hit a pipe sledding down a hill but it was his father and my uncle that did that to him. When I dropped the pipe and ran home they had come out screaming at me and picked up the pipe and beat the boy in the head giving him 194 stitches. I was blamed for dropping the pipe and my worst memory is that I will go back in time and pick up the pipe, look into the glass at the scene, look back at the pipe and remember what I am going through at this very moment and I will just walk away without even trying to help. What would you do?

Bus ride from hell

by Jennifer
(Earth)

Hi all, it's Friday the 7th and I'm sitting here at the computer terminal in a very beautiful new city. Yes I actually made a jump to relocate and I feel much more comfortable for it. Thank you for your responses so far about my story, I relize that sometimes it is hard to handle but this is what I have lived through as of yet up to this point most of my life. I wish you heaven,
Jennifer Bell-Lang

living with abuse and a spectrum disorder

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Angry but alive)

blue hills ave

hello, just a quick note page to sign in. I have a page on you tube, it's under injenli and I just wanted to let you know because between music and fine art that is how I express myself and that is precisely what the evil people have tried to take away from me. Did I mention that my i-book was stolen with tons of photos of cemetary angels on it that I took! The doctor's still are trying to make me call myself bi-polar, yeah right, put that together with my story and it might make you angry also. Ok, well check out my favorites on you tube and maybe you might get to know how I've been able nto heal thus far. I tend to like minor e quite a bit.
bye for now,
luv,
Jen

So Tired

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Earth)

Not My Photo

Hey all,
Things seem to just get worse. I have been trying for almost two years now to help other people, ever since I have recovered my own memories but I have found it extremely hard to connect with others who have means to help. I try and try and try and yet I seem to always get shoved into a corner and told to shut up. Damb, I am so freaking tired of it. I have to keep a happy heart though in order to live and not hurt others but sometimes I just get so angry and then I end up hurting myself, it sucks cuz most of the time I just drink and smoke and then I wake up with a hangover and the story starts all over again, but I still have to deal with the fact that I wrote the refugee paper against the United States, I found out way too much about color physics than I should have, and I changed the world, for the better I hope but when the @%&! do I get anything more than street credit! I just don't understand why people don't listen and if it has to do with embarrasment than god, take a breath, at least you weren't molested and photographed! I am so thankful that I have this venue to vent but I am also a little oppressed by just having to communicate on the bloody computer!
I have so much to say and so much good to do in the world and I just keep getting shafted by scared people. Wake up and help already!
Lot's of love,
Jennifer

The Jennifer Project

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Edmonton, AB)

Well, ok, here I am once again, sitting at the computer and without help of any kind except with what I get here at this site. I was thinking just recently about that and why I seem to always get the short end of the stick and I thought about health care. It is truly a wonderful thing to have health care, and even a better thing to have loved ones, but how do you react and live if your loved ones are the ones who provide you with improper health care. What if they give you immunoziations for things that other people don't have and then watch as other people either love you or hate you, or love you just because they want your health care...you know what i'm saying, what does it take in this world to get real love? As an abused child I try my best not to let what I've been through happen to any other people and I know others of you out there do the same,This war on terror is really getting to me, or not depending on my biology, but in all actuality, I really hate not feeling loved and I am just glad that I have this web site to vent. Don't worry too much though because nothing good can come from evil, and nothing evil can come from good.
Love,
Jennifer

The Pipe

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(afraid)

Ok, Sometimes i hate this site because wish it was just in my head or that when i think about something i haven't written down I forget that you don't already know about what I am thinking. So, when I tried to save this boy from his evil and I dropped the pipe and ran home screaming, I was hospitalized for a few months at a children's hospital in Connecticut and when I was let out it was near halloween, or fall cuz I remember the smell of the leaves and the cold. I went to see the boy, my neighbor, I was blamed for dropping the pipe because when I ran away from the scene the boy's father and my uncle beat the boy in the head and gave him 194 stiches. I went to visit him after, when I got out and it was then that I was photographed sucking dick etc...as a 10 year old girl.
So that/this is how i feel right now like i'm still just standing here staring at the vomit mess on the floor of my life. I can't clean this up alone.
thanks for listening
jen

Feeling Better

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Edmonton, AB,Canada)

Have Happy

Hi all, just checking in to say hello and breath a bit. Well my family is no longer speaking with me and I haven't been able to speak with my son, I hope he's ok, I love him alot but he knows and will now get to see some dark sides of others who claim to be healthy. My husband and I are totally hanging in there and dispite a few intense moments, we are still together and in love.
Cheers,
Jennifer

Needing a Job

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)

Want fries with that?

Hey there, so i'm going through this insane immigration thing with the Canadian govt. and I really don't want to go back to the US but, just to humiliate me more they just might. Oh well, who do I work for when I get back? Do they understand the magnitude of what I've done? do they realize that their stupid war against "terror" started in America? Anyway, I guess if you need me I'll be flipin' burgers at BK. Want fries with that? Do you want my burgers baby?, No? Don't blame you.
Cheers,
Jen

Deported and Back in the States

by Jennifer Bell
(Hartford, CT. USA)

Hi, Not very happy but not really angry at the government.Canada was good to me and Flew me back to New England but I really don't have a home here anymore. I have no job, no money and no husband.
Social Security told me that I cannot collect benefits If I am married unless that person is also on disability, so unless I marry a retard I have to starve. Doesn't look like my marriage is working out anyway and it's probably for the best that I get a divorce, but I need money in order to file for one. Lovely.
36 years of abuse and you'd think I'd be used to it but I'm not.
I hope other stories end up better than mine.
Jen

New Year

by Jennifer Bell
(Hartford < CT < USA)

Ok hi, Well the X had many affairs and conceived kids in those even, yuck. I guess it wasn't time for me to be happy in a relationship, alas...at least I have hockey. I have been working a bit with some friends at an auto body shop and have been doing some industrial photography but mostly I am just completely dumbfounded at the stupidity of what I just went through with my X. He had a "Compact" with a woman from another company, Joining the two...really bad Shakespeare! and then I find out that he slept with his sister and then finally a 12 year old girl! And that is what finally ended our communication. WOW! I know I was abused but when are others going to wake up and realize that when you don't step in and do something about what I have been talking about for the two years, that the situations just keep repeating themselves! Thank you so much Darlene for starting this site. It's awful that all these illegitimate mud bloods are taking up so much of our time when there are so many other deserving kids out there, really rotten rainbows, rah. OK, and I thought my story was bad, well, it is my story... Oh yeah, forgot...I'll keep trying to get good strong healthy people to listen, and please keep telling your stories,
Luv
Jen Bell, injenlang, injenli, Whatever...

Relearning

by Jen Bell
(Hartford, CT)

firefox

Hi, today is the 26th of Feb. 2009 I have been staying with my sister and spending time with my son and her family. I have been very selfish with her feelings over my experiences as a child and we have been doing our best to work things out for the kids and ourselves. She told me that as long as our children were in therapy for something other than what we went through as children than we did ok as parents. The government is being less than receptive however in regards to our recovery, and it is/has been effecting alot of people we grew up with. I'm still working on divorce procedures with my ex, and as soon as I find the right lawyer...I miss the sun but spring is right round the corner and I am happy I think despite the fact tons of people want to kill me. It's not shameful to me to remember how happy I was as a child nor do I feel much regret about being militantly against child abuse, and this is where I am internally. My son is almost twelve and as a bi-racial boy growing up here, I'm grateful to be able to provide guidance for him when I can. Ok, thanks,
Jennifer

Restraints

by Jennifer Bell
(Hartford, CT. USA)

Hi. Today is March something and it's funny cuz it really doesn't seem that important right now what day it is. So many people have gotten away with such evil that it feels like there aren't very many good people left. My sister and her family are doing better and we are communicating much more openly but alot of people out there are making it very hard for us. My sister's husband lost his job and we are feeding the family on unemployment and social security payments. My pervert husband continues to work in the fire protection business, everyone seems to think this is ok and I have gotten no financial compensation for any of my suffering. Still I have to keep telling. I don't even have a closet to keep my skeletons in even if I wanted to. The other day I was driving on the highway here in hartford and there was an electronic billboard that said, and I quote, "Jennifer, It's going to be ok." So I know that someone with money and some intelligence is aware of this but no one has come to help. Not one person has tried to contact me and somehow that message isn't very comforting. Darlene, If I was not crazy before I am very close to it now but thank you for reading from your book on the computer, your voice is comforting and I'm trying to hold on.
Thanks,
Jennifer Bell

What's in a Name

by Jennifer
(Hartford, CT, usa)

Bitte

Hey, Day after Saint Patrick's Day, I guess it was nice this year, the weather was beautiful. Still in Hartford. Bored. Not working cuz I won't give blow jobs or prostitute and apparently that's all I'm good at. hmmm... how do I laugh at this. I keep wondering if perhaps maybe those multiple babies born to that angelina look alike lady were my x's? hmmm... Still trying to talk to my old ibook, the one with all my old photos and new clear light physics that was stolen from me before and after I wrote the refugee paper but all I keep getting is injen, it wasn't you who came up with .-
was it? no? not you? really? hmmmm... Is Antarctica really the true north, well if you live in the Artic it is. hmmm.... Well no wonder everyone hates injenlang I was conceived in Australia and Bell is short for Strobel. Yeah, I know, Jennifer Strobel. Sounds king of German ya think? Don't really know but I do know I don't have a nice new Audi or nothing. Rah. Ok, Just checking in. I love You.
Luv,
Jen
just jen

Hey

by Jennifer Strobel-Lang
(Plattsburgh, NY, USA)

So here I am getting well in New York and so excited about the upcoming fights I am scheduled for! My now and forever x family has so been stealing from me, even since I got back and I have now had the luxury of finding out more of the details about what has been going on during my three years abroad. To some extent I expect some crazy extra shit from my "family" members but it turns out that I was not the first one my husband slept with after we got married. We got married in West Hartford, CT. on July 6, 2007 and I was just happy to chill with my bi-racial son and My Hussy walked the few blocks back to my mothers and apparently stumbled into the arms of a corner prostitute! Do you believe this crazy life of mine? So I wasn't the first orgasm in this marriage? hmmmm. well as of right this minute I have not had an orgasm with anyone since my husband when we were in Edmonton, AB in October! And boy are they pissed off that I a) Know b) won't orgasm with anyone. yeah I know, I rule!

I'll keep you in touch,
Jen Strobel-lang

Amalgams

by Jennifer Strobel-Lang
(Hartford, CT)

Hi. Not happy. Alive. Found out I have amalgam in my teeth that was banned in Norway, Sweden, and Finland in 2008. I am completely broke, the pedofiles were paid, alot, and I can't talk back to my passport because I won't orgasm with another person while I'm married. It's a matter of principiles. Point Negative! After all I've been through I've every right to my own orgasms! F**k Them All!
Jen
p.s. My sister and I made up and our kids rule! They are so healthy compared to what we were at their age. I feel blessed for that.
Jen

I have friends here

by Jen Bell
(Hartford, CT.)

Ok, I guess I'm ready to tell the rest of what happened and how and why it has effected me so profoundly. When my uncle was done licking me out, I felt as if my body said owwwnoooo. So it was an angry first orgasm. He then flipped me over onto my stomach and put his finger into my a**hole and asked me if I wanted him to put his penis in there. I cried no, my head was turned to the right, the wall was on right and remember a tear out of my right eye. He then raped me vaginally and I turned my head to the left and I threw all of my energy into my skull. I saw my skull, my head was turned to the left. When he was done I had to pull up my tights and go to the bathroom where I sat on the toilet and dripped white stuff into the toilet. All I knew then was that it was like milk, the same painful stuff my mother used to spray me with, her breast milk, she used to spray me with her breasts while she was feeding my sister on the other.I sat on the toilet and felt to myself that both were evil. breasts and penises. They both spanked me. Because I am conceived in Australia I cannot communicate without ignoring their biology, or something like that. I got confused and spun out of control and into denial. It was just as physically to come out of it, and I am being used as a petri dish for the american medical association the whole time through. Torture? yeah, I know a bit about it.
Thanks for letting me speak.
Jen

I guess the Divorce is final in Canada

by Jennifer Strobel-Lang
(Rutland, VT. USA)

Hi Darlene and everyone else. I'm a bit low right now, in fact things suck but It's a start. I got an email from the pedofile fireman I married and he said we were offically divorced in 2010, they did it without my signature and the Judge's name was the same as my grandfathers. Hmmmm... looks like they want to fool me to get me to cheat back on him, nope. still witholding. So I brought a copy of his email to the US social security office and still have 38,000. in receipts since we were married to show his infidelity. God what a nightmare! I cannot do anything without government permission. But taking into concideration what I went through as a child I'm kinda glad. It gives me a lot of time to make some peace with god and mankind, if that is possible. Thanks for letting me vent. Love Jen Strobel.