I Self Medicate

by Maureen
(Arizona, USA)

When I was 3 we left Illinois for Arizona. The day we left my grandfather had a heart attack and died. I have one uncomfortable grainy memory of him. I am not sure if he touched me, but the memory makes me feel weird.

I am 4. In our Arizona house, down the street, my mom made a friend. She had 2 boys. Maybe age 10~12. I played with them. They took me to a cornfield and said we were guna play a game. It was called "fucky" and I needed to remove my clothes. I remember knowing that wasn't right. I remember nothing after those words. Well I do remember going back to their house, but that's all.

So now I'm 6. My mom marries a child molester. 9 years. I was beat on all the time, bullied every day, raped one to two times a week, called names. Very abusive home. 4 years into the marriage my mom caught him masturbating in front of me. She didn't care.

5 years more go by. I told on him to someone I trusted and she told him what I said. How could I do that to him, I was ruining my family blah blah blah. Anyway, 3 more people knew and turned a blind eye.

I get into trouble at 15, go to juvey and I get court-ordered counseling as a punishment. They ask if I ever was molested. I knew what was happening was wrong. I also got no help. I literally thought everyone got molested that that was just life. So they explain it. I say yes. They get my mom in there and tell her. We go home. She promptly tells him what I said. And he tortured me all night. She did nothing. Next day go to school, and get removed by CPS. Don't remember anyone ever taking me back to counseling. So I self medicate. For 31 yrs.