I Have The Feeling I Was Sexually Abused As A Child

by Sabrina
(Los Angeles, CA, USA)

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like I was sexually abused, whether it means I witnessed a sexual deviant act, had someone close to me that was victim of sexual abuse, etc. After reading the various signs and effects of child sexual abuse, some resonated for me. But here are the facts I know for sure. As a child, I was very sensitive, emotional. My parents tell me that I didn’t like to be touched, held, and hugged, even as a baby. I developed hyperhidrosis at a very young age, which is excessive sweating of the hands, feet and underarms, which I feel may be a survival mechanism to protect myself from being touched. I felt attracted to boys at a young age. Yet, the idea of sex frightened me as a young girl. I was terrified it would be painful. In fact, as a young teenager, I remember making a habit of sleeping on my stomach, and, if I were to turn on my back, putting my hands on my crotch area, as if to protect it from something. I had hamsters and a rabbit as pets when I was a child and I was often cruel to them. I would hurt them for whatever reason, only to console them right after. Growing up, I remember my father being very sexual around my mother, touching her, and it made me feel very uncomfortable. Maybe I thought he would do it to me. As a result, I still feel physically anxious when I’m around him, which is odd as I feel like we have a good relationship, as he has always been a very supportive and nurturing father. He also made sexual jokes constantly, knowing full well that it made me uncomfortable, but continuing to do so anyways. As a teen, I went through a shop lifting phase and it continued until my early twenties. As I’m writing this down, I realize that it is so out of character for me. I started having sex at 16, and I have had boyfriends tell me I tend to put on a show when I’m having sex. I have never actually had an orgasm with a man, and I’m now 29. I only started masturbating when I was 25 years old, and I basically forced myself to do it, to get over it, and now I enjoy it, although it seems like the only thing that excites me is to fantasize about an older unattractive man that is, not forcing, but maybe taking advantage of a young pretty girl. This makes me feel uneasy. I have had many relationships, and an average amount of sexual partners. I have never been raped or forced to do anything I was uncomfortable with sexually, as far as I know. I have a younger brother who is now 26 and he has only had one girlfriend. He is very socially inept; he was painfully shy as a child. He lacks confidence in life in general, he is very anxious, was deeply depressed in his teen years, and smoked pot regularly. He is doing better now but still does not seem to want a woman in his life. We are kind of both in the same boat in a way. We are both single, and say we want to find someone, yet are very content on our own. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever be in a relationship again. Sometimes I wonder if my brother was a victim of sexual abuse, and I witnessed or heard or felt it in some way. My mom once told me that we had a very weird babysitter when my brother and I were young. She loved my brother, and would basically kick me out of the house when she was babysitting, to do god knows what. My mother found out about it because I would end up going to my friend’s house down the street to play all the time. As far as family background, I also know for a fact that my mother’s father treated her and loved her as if she were his wife. This became more apparent when my mother’s parents were approaching their divorce. On my father’s side, my father’s sister, my aunt, said a similar thing about her father, my grandfather. That he would treat her like his wife, show her off, and slap her butt. Another thing that I’ve noticed is that on both my mother and father’s sides, they were all very sexual, loved to make inappropriate sexual jokes and touch upon every sexual topic under the sun. There is an obsession with sex. This all comes back to me feeling like I may have been sexually assaulted or have witnessed a traumatic sexual incident that I cannot recall. I apologize for the lengthiness, but I would love to resolve this issue and get some sort of clarity and resolve on this subject that has haunted my mind for so long. Thank you.