I Blame Myself

by Lauren
(New York)

I don't know where to begin. My mother would claim I was a happy child with a good childhood. She would be lying. My entire life I have been abused in every possible way. My mother was and still is, emotionally abusive and at times she is physically abusive. A single mother who had a hard life herself, it was hard for her to take care of a kid all by herself. I get that. It makes sense she would push me off to whomever offered to watch me.

She trusted her brother when I was small, until I want to school. He is a good man but his wife screamed more than my own mother and left her children unattended with me. My one cousin began abusing me when I was around 2 or 3. I remember knowing it was wrong but not being scared. It wasn't anything too bad, just what I consider at least, minor sexual abuse. It's difficult for me to even admit it happened but I comfort myself with the thought that it didn't go on for long and it was only molestation...I blame myself for all of it honestly and when we were caught, I know my aunt probably agreed because she asked me why I didn't say no or tell anyone.

I forgot what my cousin did and soon started school. My mother has a friend who lived down the street from us and said she'd watch me. She had a son who was in school as well but over twice my age. I feel responsible as well for what he did. The first time was one of the worst. He made me bleed and I remember being so afraid and in pain. I also remember clearly lying to escape him. I still feel guilty. I know I didn't know what to do but I try to be as honest as possible and it still weighs on me. I also remember lying when I told my mother. I said he tried to touch my butt. He did so much more and worse but she believed me and got me a wonderful sitter. Everything was good until I was about 8.

A close family friend who helped us get our house would watch me over the summer. His wife would go to work and he would wait until she left. I would sleep over for the week and he would come for me. I don't want to go into detail but it was the worst sexual abuse I underwent from anyone in my life. There are places I cant go now without having severe flashbacks, and once at work, I passed a man who smelled like his cologne and I started hyperventilating. There are certain things I can't deal with that he would do that triggers me intensely.

I know that since I was underage and even under 12 it was illegal, and the law says I am not at fault. But something inside of me says that's not true, that I was the reason a man cheated on his own wife.

I only told one person about all of this abuse and that is my boyfriend. He's amazing and has stuck by my side for almost three years now.

It's really hard for me to deal with life. I have a job and I'm in college. But I also have severe depression and anxiety, PTSD, insomnia and nightmares. When my abuse finally stopped (I convinced my mom I could watch myself once I was in middle school) I also started cutting. I've tried to kill myself more times than I care to admit. I blame myself for all of it, from my mother abusing me, to all the others abusing me.

I tried seeing a shrink and I'm going to school for psychology, but I cannot deal with any of it. My boyfriend tries but I know it's hard for him to deal with. We can't be intimate much, and even little things can bug me.

I don't truly think I'll live very long without getting significant help but I don't have the chance to get it...I'm sorry this has been so long. It took me a very long time to write this.