Healing Through Faith

by Mary E
(North Carolina, USA)

Never could I erase the scars of emotional abuse. The haunting memories of child sexual abuse, rape and molestation lingers to bring horrible memories. Nightmares crept into my restless nights. The mother I needed to turn to turned on me leaving me with no self esteem. For twenty years, even after the death of my mother, I hated, literally hated what she was about. To not have a parent stand up or protect an innocent child has got to be the most unforgivable act of a human being, Short of being the molester themselves, neglect is such a hurtful abuse. How could I ever forgive the person in my life that cut me with words, accused me of wanting such things, and wouldn't give me a healing hug for comfort but instead threw her hands around my neck to choke and threaten me for this happening?
Even worse than all the neglect of a mother turning her back on her child, I turned on God.

After the rough waters of childhood, came the storms of marriage. I thought Jesus would calm the waves. Instead, even in my claim of Christianity, I caused treacherous waves. The only self esteem I learned was in my acceptance in what I learned in sexual relationships. If God couldn't help me from the beginning, then I would solve the self esteem issues even if it was the end of me. I turned far away from my husband and God. I hurt those around me without them even knowing. I didn't even care. I wanted it all to end. Suicidal thoughts beat me up. Thinking there was no where else to turn, I was ready to give it all up. No longer being able to face the trial and the jury, pleading guilty, I dropped hard on my knees to give it to God, knowing if I did not change my life, the results would be hell. What I had to do next was one of the hardest decision I had ever made, to forgive.

After great prayer and Christian counseling, I made the biggest step toward healing. I forgave and actually said the words out loud that shouted inside of me. My hands shook. I felt every beat of my heart as I struggled with the words, "I forgive you mom". Giving it to God, He allowed me to see her with a different view. Hurting people hurt people. She had to have been hiding pain that a young daughter could not see until she grew to face her own life's pain. I ached with anger with myself realizing I neglected and abused my marriage. I let my children feel the destruction and depression. It may not have been the same neglect but it was there. For the very first time, I felt sorry. In forgiving my mother, I began a journey, one step closer to the goal I felt God wanted me to reach. Through that forgiveness I became able to forgive myself.

I am thankful for Jesus, who forgives, and in awe of God who lead me to Him. I know that healing could not happen without the simple step to say and accept the words "forgive me" even when just spoken to myself.

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