Flashbacks of Sexual Abuse

by Emily
(Missouri, USA)

I'm 15, and I've always have had flashbacks of me being sexually abused. I got sexually abused when I was around 6. It happened in Mexico. I remember him taking me into dark rooms & making me sit on his lap. Then he would start to touch me. I didn't know what was going on but I didn't like it. I felt scared & alone. I never told anyone except my best friend & my boyfriend.

The flashbacks weren't as bad when I was younger. I blocked it out until I was 12, that's when I started to understand what happened. Not only did he take my childhood away but I will never be able to live a normal life because of him.

I don't let a lot of people in my life because of the trust issues I have. I can't sleep at night anymore. I don't know why but it just keeps getting worse as I get older. It's like the older I get the more stuff I remember. I wish I could just block it out like I use to.

There is a lot more to my story. I just need someone to talk to about this. I mean my best friend & boyfriend know but when I talk to them about it I just feel disgusted & worthless. It was all my fault. I could have said something to stop it, but I didn't. I never want my parents to find out, I don't want them to feel like bad parents. Even if I do want to tell them how am I suppose to tell them that their little girl got molested by her own cousin. He is in his early 30's now. When he was younger he fell out of a car & now he has mental problems. How am I suppose to tell people when my whole family feels bad for him. He molested me for two summers but after that I would just stay away from him. I feel like his younger brother knew because they would always try to keep him away from me. I just want this whole thing to go away. It has effected me so much & I'm only 15!

I've been living in fear my whole life, fear that it will happen again, fear that he is watching me. Fear that it will happen to my baby sister. I just need to talk to someone who won't judge me, treat me different or look at me different.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.