Despite Everything

by Matt
(England)

I was abandoned by my biological parents before I'd even spoken a word. My bio mother had carried me and given birth to me because she felt she couldn't terminate an innocent baby, but they both knew they weren't prepared to raise me as they weren't ready to sacrifice their lifestyle

I'm now 22, and when I was 21 I got in contact with them. They thought they were doing the best for me, giving me up to a couple who couldn't have their own children and they thought they'd done a great deed and had my best interests at heart. I never told them what happened to me growing up, as I didn't think it was right to.

My adopted parents were a lesbian couple. S-- was the dominant matriarch. She was older, more powerful and felt as though the world owed her something because she was maligned because of her sexuality. E-- was my other mother. She had a caring side but maintained that whatever they did was for my own good. She was the polar opposite to S-- in many ways. E-- cared about how I did at school, she encouraged me to study and learn. She was beautiful, always well maintained with long flowing blonde hair whereas S-- had a shaved head and was hard by nature.

Throughout my childhood, my parents abused me in many ways. Sometimes, when I was younger I thought they were doing it for fun but in reality I just think they didn't know how to be parents. For example, if I wet the bed, I was forced to sleep in the wet bed and would then have to clean them before going to school. If I spoke without being spoken too first I was hit, if I was disruptive I'd be locked in the small empty storage room with no natural light. These were the ways S-- would punish me. E-- wasn't as physical, because I was shy and very nervous. I bit my nails a lot. To stop me, E-- would paint them bright pink so I would keep them in my pockets and not bite them. Naturally, this led to the kids at school bullying me.

I noticed as I got older that S-- abused E-- too. She was a very dominant person and wouldn't tolerate being told no or not getting her own way. There was a phase in my early teens where E-- became very protective of me and we were both beaten quite badly. S-- had taken a hatred to the fact E-- encouraged me to be more expressive. I went through an "emo"/goth phase and I dyed my hair black. When I went home that night, S-- hit the roof, she blamed E-- for encouraging it and then took it out on me. S-- tied me to a chair and shaved all my hair off and said if I ever did it again I'd seriously regret it. Apparently being belted with a leather belt repeatedly over the years had led to this becoming seen as a lenient punishment.

There was many times were I would be beaten or punished and E-- would always insist, it's for the best, you'll learn from this, don't worry. Etc. I thought about telling someone but I didn't really have any friends and at school, staff just thought I was a weirdo.

Whenever the two of them would drink I would always become their object of torment. Sometimes it was less harmful and more humiliating. On many occasions they would make me strip and dress me in E--'s clothes. At first they just did this in the house but it gradually got worse. At its height they were dressing me, putting me in the back of the car driving me somewhere, forcing me out and then making me walk home. This was when I felt most alone, as E-- would join in and often instigate it.

One of the most embarrassing moments of my childhood was when they hid a sex toy in my school PE kit bag. I was very uncomfortable in the changing room as it was because I would have to hide my scars etc, but then when one of the boys found it in my bag, I just wanted to die. It was common for me to be bullied in school, I expected it. But when my mothers came in to school to discuss it with the members of staff, they denied all knowledge of it, saying it was my own and I brought it to school to hide it from them.

The sexual abuse I suffered was what really drove me to become suicidal. It only started as I was going through puberty, and I think because it happened as I was becoming more sexually aware, it had a deeper lasting effect on me. Still to this day I haven't talked about this to my parents, and I'm not sure I ever will. The physical stuff I have learned to deal with, but that is something I don't think I'll ever make peace with.

As I got older, I learned to live with what had happened. I developed a passion for martial arts and became quite skilled. This coincided with a stop in the abuse. Naturally, when I grew and became stronger, S-- realised I could defend myself more and just resorted to name-calling and neglect, which suited me perfectly.

I still live with my parents and I am exceptionally close to E--. She has been extremely apologetic. Her and S-- sleep in separate rooms now, and often E-- comes to me for comfort, she often cries herself to sleep at night, and although S-- doesn't hurt her in front of me, secretly, I think it's still going on.

Despite everything I went through as a child, I can't help but love my mothers. More E-- than S--, but they took me when no one else wanted me. My biological parents willingly gave me away and although I suffered at the hands of my mothers, at least they fed me, clothed me and gave me a roof to grow up under.