Comments for Child Abuse Story From Tonya Part 2

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Mar 13, 2008
 This isn't about who's at fault...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Tonya, as a child you were forced to endure whatever abuse your mother inflicted; you had no power. Now, as a 26-year-old adult woman, you do have power, you do have choices.

Your husband is right; you must stand up for yourself. But not necessarily in the way he meant.

Don't bother trying to get your mother onboard, and don't try to fix her, or try to get her to understand your position. You must stop trying to gain her approval—that's the little girl in you who never got what she so desperately needed. Start giving yourself the approval you need. You will never get it from your mother because she is incapable of giving it. You can't change the way she is. You can only change yourself and how you look at things. Confronting her about your past, including her behaviour prior to your wedding, only encourages your mother to continue to treat you poorly. You've taught her that treating you poorly will result in an apology from you. She doesn't have a magic spell over you; you are ALLOWING her to walk all over you because you still need her approval.

I sincerely believe you should seek out some form of counselling for yourself, Tonya. And I would do so BEFORE you decide to start your family. If you don't get these issues resolved before your bring children into the mix, you will create the very environment you do not want to create for them.

I wish you and your husband all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Mar 14, 2008
 The Healing Journey
by: Linda Settles

Tanya
I applaud your openness about what you experienced and about your residual feelings from it. I, too, encourage you to seek counseling.
I hear so much pain coming through your story. Not only the agony of abuse, abandonment, and disrespect, but that of your own responses: craving your mother's love and approval, the natural hatred for those who have damaged you, and confusion over what is their responsibility and what is your own.
Let me say first, that you are NOT in any way responsible for ANYTHING that happened to you. You are not responsible for anything you may have felt in response to sexual abuse or anything you have allowed. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!
Having said that, I will tell you from personal experience, that the hatred will tear you apart and hinder your reception of love from your husband and others who DO have your good at heart. The challenge then, is How do I get rid of the hatred? How do I manage the pain?
First you have to believe that it is possible. I am here, as is Darlene who gives many hours of her time to encourage you and others who are hurting, to give testimony that healing is possible. Peace, joy, and a new wonder for living can be yours. I encourage you to seek counseling. I encourage you to go on a spiritual quest as well. I found that must ask "Where were you God? Why didn't you DO something?" The answers were not instantaneous--for comprension of such concepts take time, a lot of emotional work, and the acquision of wisdom. Every recovery program I know of--and you, like me, do need recovery-begins with Step One: realize that I am powerless over...whatever it is that is stealing our freedom...it may be mental and emotional suffering--and look to a Power greater than ourselves, our Higher Power if you will, to help us to grow and change. I know who my Higher Power is--and He is far more compassionate, more understanding, and loving than I ever knew. He understands when no one else does--and he is answering my questions, one day at a time. I hope, and pray, that you continue the healing path and look outside yourself for others who can come along side and walk that journey with you.
Warmest regards, Linda

This commenter has a "room" on OpenSpace on this website. To read her various entries, check out Linda's Room.
Mar 15, 2008
 LIFE!!!
by: Anonymous

how can a mother be so cruel?what have u done to deserve this? i cannot belive she would do that before your wedding day,i havent went through child abuse but my mother has some serious problems with my biological farther.i love her to death no matter what type of crazy things she will do.im hardly the age of 14 but i feel the pain thats running through your veins,just remember your husband is there for you,no need to worry!i'll keep you in my prayers
Mar 30, 2008
 Tough Life
by: Anonymous

Wow Tonya,
You sure have had a pretty tough life. I mean the Child Abuse story part 1 was very hard to take, the whole duct taping your wrists so you couldn't push away! I feel incredibly bad for you. Good Luck to you and all of the children right now who are going through a horrible child abuse.
May 13, 2008
 poor you
by: wtf

u seriously did have a bad childhood (worst childhood ive ever seen).But now since ur grown up change yourself and be the person u want to be.Your husband is god damn right stand up for yourself make your own choices, if your mother doesnt let you,screw her.Im also running in a little problem like this but i cheer up cuz i want to live happily with my parents and we dont have them forever.So cheer up and stand up for yourself and family.
GOOD LUCK =)

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