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Oct 03, 2008
 Our thoughts persist...until we learn there is another way...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Scott, I agree with you. That teacher was twisted. The harm she's done...I do empathize with you. In the 70s, teachers were permitted, even encouraged, to dole out this form of discipline. The fact that she imposed it only on you does indicate that she was bound and determine to make an example of you, that she had it in for you. And yes, it is perfectly normal for a young male to have an erection when he is scared, anxious or nervous. These situations can leave a child with "imprinting", as the body confuses sexual feelings with tremendous anxiety; which can (not always, but can) lead to fetishes, fetishes the person does not want, but is often compelled toward. This in turn leaves the adult person in distress as s/he tries to reconcile how it is that painful and abusive acts done in childhood could possibly turn into a fetish...it's all so very confusing and disturbing.

Scott, what that woman did to you was a very long time ago. She can only continue to do what she did to you in your mind. She cannot inflict this pain on you any longer; only your thoughts about what she did can keep this alive. She has "ruined your life" only if you continue to give up your power to her. Please consider some form of counselling to help you with the emotional residue. But even more than that, I strongly urge you to pick up a book by Bryon Katie titled Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. Her approach is to simply question your thoughts. What have you got to lose, except maybe those horribly endless thoughts.

Below I've shared a similar story to yours—with some differences—in the hope you come to know that although only you were forced to endure that teacher's painful punishments, you really aren't alone.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Oct 03, 2008
 A shared experience...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I had three teachers like this woman, two of them were female. The first was in grade one: Mrs. Boileau. She kept a large empty coffee can in the storage closet at the front of the room, close to her desk. On the first day of school she told all of us already scared first-graders that she collected children's tears. If we cried, we would have to cry in the bucket. It didn't matter if she used a ruler or a pointer on us—and she did so with great regularity, particularly with the boys—if we cried, we were forced to place our face over that bucket so that she could take our tears home with her. "Oh, how I love children's tears," she said as though she were some witch. We were all so terrified, several children peed themselves. She slowly walked between each of the rows, using her yardstick as a cane of sorts. She was doing a visual inspection, looking for evidence. When she saw that a child had a wet spot or if there was a puddle under the child's desk, she stopped and told that child to march up to the front of the room and to stand next to her desk for everyone in the classroom "to see and laugh at". No one was laughing that day. When she had finally finished with her "inspection" she went back up to the front of the room, to the closet that housed her bucket. She placed it on the side of her desk. One by one, she called over each child, made him or her bare their bottom, then she bent that child over the front of her desk for all the children in their seats to view what was about to come. She then gave each of those little 5- and 6-year-olds 10 hard swats with that yardstick, counting each one loudly. The marks she left made me almost passed out.

After she was done swatting a child, she made that child place his/her face into that bucket of hers to collect the tears, as she went on to paddle the next child and the next. When she finished swatting the third child, she gave permission for the first to pull up his pants and go back to his desk, and then instructed the second to put her face in the bucket. She went through each child in this way. By the time the third child had his head in the bucket, there wasn't a child in that classroom who wasn't crying. When she was done with all those poor little ones at the front of the room, she made each of us who had not been paddled, go to the front and put our face in that bucket to shed our tears. One little girl vomited. One little boy fell to the floor and curled up in a fetal position. The noise of those terrible swats and of 32 little kids crying profusely somehow caught the attention of our school principal. She was our rescuer that day; but Mrs. Boileau was back teaching us the next day and every day afterward. Most of us were forced to endure her beatings or that nefarious bucket of hers.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Oct 08, 2008
 unprofessional people
by: Anonymous

i hate unprofessional people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oct 13, 2008
 Wishing you well...
by: Jeremy

Scott,

I wish you all the peace and healing you can find. I dare not say I have shared the extent of your humility from this sick (fill-in-the-blank explitive), though I did have a similar experience of being...well...

I am a teacher now...kids are safe with me.
Dec 25, 2008
 I didnt think it was real.
by: Scott ,N.S. Canada

Writing my story here turned out to be a big deal for me.I had held on to this secret so long that it got to the point that I didnt think it really happened.As I read others stories I commented on them and added more to my own story that way.I didnt think it was real.I felt so alone and embarassed writing this stuff down.But reading other stories,and your comments on mine I realized I was not alone.Unless everyone here is making this stuff up.I found it unbelievable.I cant believe corpral punishment was used in schools back then.You see,to others this may be just another story,But to me it was a major defining moment of my life.I will get over it,but will never let it go.Im told it was common and encouraged,and from my search on this subject it is still used in schools.Thank you for letting me tell my side of this story.People may think it is trivial,but if you had my memories,the pictures in my mind,you would know it wasnt trivial.This stuff aint funny!It was child abuse.It was legal,and it was encouraged.Should I just forget?....Dont think so.Those who dont remember the past are doomed to repeat it.
Dec 30, 2008
 Whipped Naked
by: Sean

That is gross - being whipped completely naked is so abusive, both physically and sexually. I had a teacher that would make kids strip to their underwear in front of the class, then whip them with a belt. If she asked you to stay after class or took you into the storeroom, that meant she was going to take off your underwear too and whip you naked. I know for a fact that she whipped both boys and girls on the bare genitals back in the storeroom. It happened to me and my sister. Thank you for sharing your story, it gave me strength to share mine.
Jan 19, 2009
 oh sick witch!!!
by: Anonymous

aaaaagrrrrrrhhhhh i wish i could turn back time, teletransport to that classroom, stop what she was doing to you, and pull down her pants in front of everyone!! so she could see what it feels like!!!!!!! WHAT A PERV SHE WAS!!

aww sunshine i hope your heart would heal one day :), just forgive her and forget about that, its over:)
Apr 09, 2009
 Cry in a bucket
by: fred

I've been looking all over the internet for the phrase "cry in a bucket." All I found were expressions for the amount of tears. But this is the first place I've seen it used as part of the punishment. I had two teachers (1st grade and 5th grade) who used the bucket as punishment: any kid who cried was placed over the wastebasket and told to "FILL IT!" This usually happened because a kid was slow and cracked under the teacher's impatience. We got smacked around a little bit, but never naked. This was all in small-town Kansas, by the way.

I appreciate these stories. They have helped me to understand that I wasn't making up that memory of the bucket. Maybe it was rare in the seventies, but it was going on. I have never been able to stay married or have children, but I have a wonderful girlfriend who listens and helps. She, along with martial arts and meditation, has saved me from suicide.

From Darlene: Thank you for sharing here, Fred. I'm glad the stories here have helped you with your own painful past. If you decide you'd like to share more of what you dealt with, go to my child abuse stories page. The link will take you to the invitation form.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Apr 27, 2012
 Scott1
by: Beverly Jones

Scott I have read your story and I am sorry you went through this, I am a child abuse survivor myself and it's been a very hard road. Trying to release the anger but ya gotta do it. have you charged this woman? you still can! as for your friend still haunting you about this, they are not your friends! they are as bad as she was/is! You need to free yourself and you can do this not just for yourself but for any other child she may have done this to. Be strong Scott show her how the tables have changed and how you have SURVIVED, do not allow to her to be in control anymore, these abusers have got to learn that we the victims back then have grown up to be SURVIVORS and that we will fight back! do this for yourself and do it for all the abused children
Apr 30, 2012
 so far 1
by: Scott 1

Hi

I cant rememeber who this woman is. This I just dont understand. She may me right under my nose in this community and I wouldnt know it. This place makes my skin crawl. I feel violated every time I leave the house.

So far I have only a few trusted witnesses. They cant remember the offenders identity either, but they recall the events(abuse)well. These are the friends that in their youth made fun, but no longer. Weve grown. Why they cant recall her is beyond me. But then why cant I, how can I possably not remember her face..her name?

I have researched the local normal collage and none of the names ring a bell. Luckily it has a community feel and people post where they work and where they used to work and they are retired. No luck there.

I have tracked down my school records. They sit at the high school I attended. That is what happens to them, they move from school to school until the last school. I dont think they were moved to my trade school. Dont think it works like that. All that said I still havent gone to get them. There is a level of anxiety that wont allow my legs to carry me there and ask for them.
So apparently there they sit. Just miles from here.

Ive contacted different teachers. Alls well until I dip into this subject. Then mail stops and e-mail adresses stop working. Its like they disapeared. Theyre online activity stops. I could just randomly email known teachers but do you really think the offender will reply with "yes its me!"

I have numerous former classmates searching, but I know they arent. They said they would. But Im affraid they found it is be a friend of theirs and they keep it quiet. I feel its almost a conspiracy of silence. I know that sounds paranoid, but after the initial "oh my god really, where was this?..Im so sorry" "yes Ill help" then thats the end of it. No return on mails. Email bounce back, people dissapearing. Am I supposed to go door to door knowing like a lost puppy in the rain?

Ive run out of people to ask for old school photos. Promises promises and the ones I have dont ring any huge bells. Its like my mind is numb. Am I staring right at her?
Apr 30, 2012
 so far 2
by: Scott 1

It took decades for the "athorities" to take serious and take action the abuse claims at a local school for colored kids here. If they dont care about that who am I. This is a pending class action. I cant find another "surviver" of my lot, let alone enough for class action. I just dont think one person(me) is enough. And as Darlene pointed out, it was accepted and even ecouraged and extremely common. They hope that ill die soon and shut my mouth. Theyll get their wish as my heath nose dives.

Im sorry please excuse me while I go get another drink.

It was suggested I put an ad in the local newpaper, like the opinion section. But anything there reqiuers my full name and address and phone number. I wanted as much amunition as I could gather before I exposed myself to another pubic spanking. I really dont think these people get it, Im not a child anymore. Im a malfunctioning adult that they made. Im having a very hard time managing my anger these days and depression well....thats a given. This is the road to healing well its been fun so far. Ive read of former priests and such being held responsable for (bare bottom) spanking girls in the 60,s. How is it they were taken seriously?

Do you think this teacher even remembers me or what she has done?
Jun 08, 2012
 a bell unrung
by: scott 1

Darlene I wrote the local chapter of S.N.A.P. (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) and they worte back that they handle all abuse, not just preists. They asked me for my phone number so I or they can get more info.

What happens at this point? Is this a bell I cant un-ring once rung? Do I have any power of direction or any ability to put the brakes on ? What will SNAP do and ask?

You told me long ago it isnt worth persuing. That little boy wants out of his 40 year cage to run free in the grass and play again and not have her hitting him anymore. He wants me to free him. I am willing to do theropy but cant even imagine trying to pay for it. Can I get the school/ government to pay for this without a large investigation? What mess am I about to unleash in this quiet little community of secrets. My anxiety is through the roof now and I am not drinking to get through this.

From Darlene - Webmaster: It's not that it isn't worth pursuing, Scott, it's that you must be prepared in the event that you don't get what you want out of pursuing justice. Especially given the circumstances of the time; that this type of abuse was condoned. Without approp support, if the final outcome isn't what you want it to be, it could have the effect of re-victimizing you. It's where you are in your healing that's important. And it's natural to feel as you do and react in the way you have. The very idea of moving forward with SNAP has transported you back to that time in ways you may not have expected, in ways that will surprise you. You may feel as though you're that abused little boy all over again. You need to lean on them for support, and you also need to ask them the questions you've asked here, because only they can respond about the way they proceed. Get in touch with what's motivating you, Scott. If it's justice you're looking for or if it's shining a light on what's been a terrible darkness or something else, then approach this path realistically. Sending you love, light and healing energy, Scott.
Jun 09, 2012
 Just for you, Scott...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I thought this photo and caption might help you during this difficult time. Love, light & healing energy to you, always.

Courage vs Fear
"Courage doesn't mean you don't get afraid. Courage means you don't let fear stop you." ~Bethany Hamilton, American professional surfer who lost her left arm in a shark attack
Oct 02, 2012
 excitement?
by: Scott 1

You can image my excitement upon seeing the headline the other day in the newspaper on my kitchen table. Oh how my eyes perked up when I read about a teacher accused of abuse. Finally someone comes forward. YES! This thrill lasted as long as it took me to find within the article that it was indeed more Aboriginal children who were mistreated. Then the wind slipped from my sails. When the hell is it going to be our turn? Dont people know that regular non aboriginal kids were abused too..but in public school...not some perocial school? Not that my heart doesnt feel for this group. But if we are splitting hairs about who got the strap worse and yelled at worse get in line. You arent the only ones! Why is this group the only ones being represented everytime I read about school abuse? If its not sexual abuse they are refering to, then we are in the same damn boat! Slide your behind over and make room will ya.
Oct 03, 2012
 Child abuse must stop!
by: Beverly Jones

Dear dear Scott, I am terribly sry for not getting back to you sooner, but I have been going through my second trial from my own child abuse, and I just now read what you have been saying...about your not remembering her name/face, well go back to when it took place, go back to the school hun, see if it all comes back to you, even if it means going into the class it took place in, go back to school photos, anything and everything, I feel the pain when you said your legs won;t carry you there, but you gotta realize you are stronger then you realize, just keep in mind that you are now in control, she no longer has the power to do to you what she has once done. AS hard as it is and I get it. I understand the pain I understand the memory lapse I still have so much buried that may never surface, see as a child when such tragic things happen to us we tend to bury it deep inside as our little body and mind can only handle so much trauma, then as we get older we start remembering only how much out mind will allow at a time, and when we do think about it our body also starts to remember the abuse, I know this cause when my first trial was about to happen I remember sitting talking to my children about what was about to happen with the trial, I recall them looking shocked and confused as I told them everything about my past and as I was telling them my body suddenly broke out in bruises and I was terrified and rushed to the doctor and was told I was OK...thank God but was told my body was suddenly remembering all the pain. Strange but true story. But Scott you will find what you looking for if you truly take control of what is rightfully yours hun, Stand up against child abuse be strong sweetie you can do it and I will be here every step of the way if you want...as your friend I promise I will be your rock! :)
Oct 05, 2012
 trust being believed
by: Scott 1

When I was about 10 I had a teacher who was nice and kind. He was of a local family. Matter of fact Im friends with the entire family now. Their parents were wonderful people whom I spent time with over the years and helped and respected!. Really people like this are almost unreal after spending so many years caloused by the S.O.B who vampire our souls with pleasure. Its hard to believe good people are real and let them in. We all know the dangers of letting someone in after being hurt so many times from doing just that...trusting

A while back I wrote the wife of this teacher I had. I told her a lot. The womans response was .."thats quite a story."

Well that lack of recognition stung. It was then I stopped telling my story. Maybe what she meant was (1)it happened back then as normal, so what. (2) she was blase because she was immune to corporal punishment (3) she didnt believe me by saying it was "some story." (4) she wasnt effected by it because she cant imagine or comprehend and doesnt want to.

I guess maybe I wanted the message passed along to husband, a nudge for help. But no more came of it. When I was hoping for "OMG!..THATS AWFUL!"

I guess my point is there are risks to ones mental health when we try to expose these wrongs and the ones you hoped might step up and help can turn out to be the biggest detractors. Just that response of "thats quite a story" shut me up and made me feel small. It wasnt a "story" It is FACT!Is it even worth bringing up anymore? Like Darlene pointed out, I can persue it but be prepared to feel re-victimised. I understand that now, just through her comment. She might agree with what the teacher did and have no simpathy.
Dec 23, 2012
 Comment deleted by Webmaster
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Scott, in case you received an automatic notification that there was a comment on this thread, I want you to know that I deleted it (and banned the person) because it was disgustingly pornographic.
May 17, 2013
 pressure
by: Scott1

The pressure of existing with my mothers facade has taken its toll. Ive heard memories can be incorrectly remembered. This means what I remember may not be as it really was. But Im sure of a certain event that defines her betrayal. Under this pressure I have let slip certain things which prompter her respose of " where did this happen" ... "when was this?" Ok, I can understand her age perhaps is a reason for not remembering, if only she wasnt so darn sharp. Under the context of her "selective memory" I have to ask is she choosing to play mind games and not admitting. After much research thanks to Darlenes invaluable site, I have to ask. Was my mother abused as a child? And I dont mean coporal punishment. Give her age I imagine she was "beaten" we have never crossed that hallowed ground together. I have never asked her if nan spanked. But Im not refering to that. Was my mother sexually abused? Is this why she accpets what happened to be as "unmanagable" in her mind, or does she simply not remember an event that stand out so lound its defening. I dont ever recall being sexually abused by her other than bathroom duties and male penile duties. Could she have been abused and caused her such blockages that she has blocked out her own sons abuse she condoned?
Jul 21, 2013
 I had an abusive teacher too
by: Billy f

My 3rd grade teacher emotionally abused me. She probably would have spanked me if she thought she could get away with it, but she did abuse me in other ways. She didn't like me from day one. She was black and I'm white. I don't think it was a racial issue, but it could have been. She was determined to break me. She scolded me for every little thing I did. She wouldn't let me go to the restroom during class and even went as far as taking away my scheduled restroom break. She did this once because I got up without permission to sharpen my pencil. I had just asked her to go to the restroom. When I went back to my seat after sharpening my pencil she said. "now your not going even when we have a break" So when our restroom break came she made me stand there with a full bladder and watch while the rest of the class got to go. About an hour after we returned to class I started crying hysterically from the pain and feeling of (loss of) control. She let me go right away. I would learn later that all she wanted to do was break me down. She would belittle me in front of the class. She told the other teacher lies out me and turned them against me. When I got beat up by a kid on the bus she blamed me for it. She made comment like if I failed her class she was going to make sure I got her again the next year. I ended up having stomach problem and would go into the restroom and cry every day before class started. There is much more I will not get into. I finally told my parents and at the end of the year they wrote district a letter about her. She ended up failing me, but the school went ahead and promoted me because of the letter. The next year before I left the school she would smile and shake her head everytime she saw me in the hall. Her treatment effected me for years and caused me to be submissive to bullying and to blame myself for it.

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From Victim to Victory
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How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life

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