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Jun 10, 2010
 Sandy:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I think you'll find that everyone who reads your story will say "you're definitely not crazy". It's "crazymaking" to be re-victimized with denials and minimizations. That's why I don't advocate for confrontations with abusers: abusers are notorious for such denials and minimizations, and worse, for pointing the finger of blame at the victim. In therapy, I learned that my voice needed to be heard, but not by my abusers; rather, by ME. I had to recognize that it was ME that mattered, not them. And exerting my voice was all about telling myself that I was worthy of dignity and respect and that I deserved to be treated well. I also learned that distance from my family was a healthy choice, one I made for my own sanity and in order to walk along the path of healing and recovery. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Jun 10, 2010
 Leave them behind for your family's health
by: Mac

Sandy; I too sent a letter out, but what our thereapists may not tell us in time, is that we should talk with them about our letters, & thatwe need to release what we seid in those letters, but....mostly, we are better off if we do not mail them. Those who hurt us are generally still in denail,etc. We can't change them, or make them appologize, or admit they were wrong, or make them love us & treat us fairly. Disfunctional people are disfunctional, & that makes up their world pretty much.
Glad you are in therapy; recovery is a process that lasts our lifetime, and we gotta keep going forward into a new & better future for ourselves & our own family, husband & children. Cutting off all contact from them , visits ,etc., would probably be best for all of you also. Know that they may or may not want to let go contact. If they don't have contact, or feel in control, they will want to hold on tighter, visit more,etc.,so play it cool, & at a distance for you & your family.
Sharing your story is a big help in healing, as well as for others who read your story.
Stay in therapy, & if needed, share the therapy with your husband & children. Healing /recovering is for you & your immediate family, husband & children. Find good support & fellowship at a local church, ck, out support groups in your area.Stay postivie, & be gentle on yourself & others as you heal.I'm in my late 50's, and I'm just now starting to get deep healing from incest,etc., as I hid that part of my life / buried it deep inside of me most of my life. Don't stay so focused on events & who did them, as if the focus is there, we sometimes miss out on ways for us to get help,etc.
Keep us posted! Proud of you! This is about you, for you, & your husband & children. As a unit go forward into a healthier better life.
Jun 11, 2010
 It's going to be ok
by: Daphne

I agree that sending letters to your abusers only perpetuates the abuse that is directed at you. They always deny it and then you feel even more alone b/c they do not show love towards you.

I wrote both letters and sent my mom's only and then her letter back was all about her, her childhood, she the victim, etc. They never get it.

You are ending the abuse with your children and that is HUGE!!! You are further along than you give yourself credit for!

You need to believe that YOU matter and just b/c they are your biological family doesn't mean you owe them anything.

Stay in therapy and keep getting better! hugs
Jun 11, 2010
 You're not crazy
by: Mike

There is only 1 time when sending letters to, or talking to, an abuser may help. That time is AFTER the abuser realises what they did and are truly sorry for it. That doesn't happen very often though.

You just move on with your life and take care of your own family. Put the past behind you and live your own future.
Jun 24, 2010
 Sandy G....you are a brave woman
by: Anonymous

Hello Sandy,

Reading your story made me suck in my breath and I did not breath until I finished, I felt like I was reading my own story. My elder brother was a bully, spat , hit, lied to get me in trouble, punched me, verbal,emotional abuse that went on under the eyes of my parents who never did a thing. They did not stop him, he was biger and stronger and I got into trouble all the time because of him.. I am so angry, they made us "kiss" and make up.. on the lips..uuurgh I shudder . I went from abusive relationship to another, I left home, went to US into the hands of the worst abuser... but I left him and then I found me and kept growing. My father wont talk about stuff as he lives in a rose tinted world a fantasy world were everything is pretty, I speak to my brother but only on a certain level, I have healed, you are healing, I have left and cut certain ties, you have cut the ties too. You have taken such a brave step but do not expect any outcome other than to voice your pain.. I am so glad you did it you have taken your power back. take care
Dec 15, 2010
 you are very brave
by: liz

i cant imagine what yo had to grow through and i am sorry you came from a family like that i think you are lucky to have your husband and kids and to just cut ties with your parents they were in the wrong not you they failed to protect you and cut ties with your mean brother they are all in denial of what happened and take care of your family!

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