Comments for Child Abuse Story From Sandy

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May 15, 2008
 Others CAN relate...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Sandy, I do ask myself why it was that your brother, at 15, was so willing to sexually assault you. I wonder what it was in his life that was lacking. I'm questioning what it was that was going on with your parents; neither you, nor your brother understood the concept of boundaries.

There are stories and queries that I've answered on this site that discuss the issue of involuntary sexual arousal and "imprinting." Although the circumstances within the stories are variations on yours, as you read through two of them that I've provided links to below, I'm sure you'll see the similarities. I recommend you read the original submission, and then read my reply to each. I've also included the direct links to my comments, but you'll find them on the contributor pages immediately following the submission. What happened to you as a child should never have happened. Your brother and his friend should NOT have sexually assaulted you. The husband in the family that you were babysitting for should be in prison for molesting you. And so should the teacher who stole your ability to trust by taking advantage of you during such a susceptible time in your life.

I cannot be strong enough in my urgings for you to seek out some form of counselling. You need help sorting through the guilt, the betrayal, the abandonment, and all the dysfunction. You're worth that help, Sandy. Your children deserve to have a mother who is fully present and healthy. They deserve no less. Not only would counselling be a gift to you; it would be a gift to them.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
May 15, 2008
 Additional comments:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Just like all my visitors, I too am limited in the space for these comments. I couldn't leave this post with addressing the issue of your infidelity, Sandy.

You are no longer a helpless child; you're an adult now, an adult who must take responsibility for her own actions. Regardless of the problems that were—and may still be—in your marriage, never turn outside of that marriage to deal with those problems. Having multiple affairs put you and your husband at risk for disease. If you had children at that time, you put them and the future of their mother at risk.

You said you "don't think" you would ever cheat on your husband again; that HAS to read a definite "I WON'T EVER cheat on my husband again." Do what you must to deal with the problems: counselling, etc. Dissolve the marriage if you must. But make the grown-up decision to not give in to giddy and high-school-like desires. Being an adult means making adult choices.

You put yourself at risk with your honesty, Sandy. But I believe you took that risk because you are crying out for help. Again, I urge you to get that help for yourself through counselling. If you decide to enter into marriage counselling, I further urge you to make those sessions completely separate from one-on-one sessions for yourself. You and your children deserve no less.

I wish you and your family all the best, Sandy.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
May 15, 2008
 Rape
by: Mollie

i too sometimes get turned on too by some stories. i wasn't raped when i was little but i was abused. I think it may just be your past but i don't know.
May 16, 2008
 Confused
by: Sandy

I have to say I am a little confuse by your comments. I am in both marriage, and individual counseling for the last 8 years. I find counseling very rewarding and a great way to help you reach goals and overcome adversity.
As far as my parents involvement at the time, we had a normal family life. My mom was a stay at home mom, my dad came home every day for lunch,we spent weekends camping and with family. I just want to make it clear that you do not have to come from a disfunctional family to be abused by someone. The abuse by my brother took place 3 times. Was I looking for attention, yes, but that does not mean my parents were not neglecting me. I am also not sure what the story about the boy in diapers has to do with me.....
Also, I am not turned in anyway by remembering what happend to me. Or do I in anyway want to be in any kind of abusive, submissive relationship. Just for some reason reading other people being in that kind of relationship is stimulating to me?
Lastly when I did cheat on my husband I believe I was in a deep depression, I have over come that now and I would not cheat on my husband. I would leave now. And although I do not take medication for depression, I make sure by staying in counseling that if something changed I would have the help and support to get the help I needed. I guess writting my story here was just a way of confronting, because I am still not ready to confront my abuser
May 17, 2008
 To Mollie and Other Visitors:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I ask that you please never lose sight of the fact that the sexual abuse stories on this site are true life situations written by the victims of abuse.

While I understand that involuntary sexual arousal is a reality for a variety of reasons, some of which are the effects of child abuse, I must balance the needs of those who leave comments on various threads on this site with the respect that each and every person who sends me a story deserves to be extended.

If you find yourself aroused by such stories, remember that it was a child who was offended against, it was a child who was sexually assaulted, a helpless child who was raped, sodomized and/or made to perform sexual acts by sexual deviants. I'll repeat my opening statement: Never lose sight of the fact that the sexual abuse stories that appear on the pages of this site are really about children, CHILDREN who have been, and in some cases still ARE, being sexually assaulted. Please extend these people the respect they deserve for so courageously sharing such intimate and horrific details of their lives.

I thank you for your understanding.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
May 17, 2008
 To Sandy:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

My re-direct was not about "diaper discipline" Sandy, it was about sexual "imprinting" and some theories behind involuntary sexual arousal. Rather than duplicate the material regarding this topic, I re-directed you instead.

I wish you all the best, Sandy.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
May 17, 2008
 wow
by: Anonymous

You are an amazing woman!
May 17, 2008
 ugh
by: Anonymous

OMIGOD! That's as scary as hell.
you poor thing! :( :( :( :( :(
May 19, 2008
 Sexual abuse and promiscurity
by: Hayley

Hi Sandy, how are you bearing up today? Some of what you have said has rang true from my own research into the horrific ordeal of abuse in what ever form you endure it. Like you I was sexually abused by my brother. For a while I thought it was because he wanted to show that he loved me so I let it happen, sort of encouraged it even. When he said he didn't want sex, I was a bit miffed, but now I look back on it, at least I knew I wouldn't get abused that day. while you were somewhat promiscuous as a result of your ordeal, I can't stand to be touched or wear nice clothes. It always has to baggy sports clothes with me which drives my mom and some of my friends crazy. The only contact I can cope with from males is mickey taking and banter, if I have that to deal with I feel safe. I now have a fantastic job as a Care assistant on a Cancer un it, with a great bunch of colleagues who thankfully accept me for who I am. I am also able to get on with my male team mates at my rec Ice hockey team, and have a laugh and a joke with them. If any one gets remotely close to me though I flinch away in terror.

You have done well to cope for this long and to have a husband who has been able to deal with all that you have been through and accept you for who youare. It is a terrible stereoytpe that if you have been abused then you will go on to abuse. You yourself are living proof that that ideology is absolutely risible. Hang on in there

Hayley has a "room" on OpenSpace at Hayley's (Screwloose) Room.

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



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