Comments for Child Abuse Story From Nikki3

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Oct 22, 2008
 Part 1: This is about your THOUGHTS...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Nikki, first of all, I must say that given what you've been through in your appalling childhood, it's remarkable that you one, survived it, and two, that you are still here with us and able to articulate your pain. That shows me how amazingly strong you really are. Believe it, Nikki. You ARE strong, in spite of what is going through your mind right this minute.

And don't for one more second believe that Emme doesn't see you as her protector. Even though you don't see it yourself, she KNOWS you made a tremendous difference in her life. Without you, she could easily have withered and died; indeed, she probably would have. I know that's very difficult to see, because you think you didn't do enough. Because you think you made it worse for her. Because you think that success is measured by whether or not you were able to stop that beast from doing those heinous acts to her. It's what you're thinking that's driving you crazy, Nikki. It's your thinking that needs to change. You've been looking at your actions as failures, rather than seeing what Emme sees: a brother she could turn to because he understood; a brother who would help her whenever and however he could; a brother who shared his food with her whenever he could; a brother who opened his heart and the comfort of his bed when she was too terrified to stay in hers; a brother who held her dearly; a brother who was not just willing to, but begged to take a beating for her rather than have her suffer through one herself; a brother that wanted with all his might to physically stop the coward of a man who was raping her, but because of the cowardice and evil maliciousness of this twisted excuse for a man, he made sure you couldn't physically move to help her. You were not a failure, Nikki; you were Emme's knight in shining armour, the knight who loved her—still loves her—unconditionally. The two of you were put here to help each other through one of the most shocking, horrifying and atrocious lives one could ever imagine. Without each other, neither of you would have made it.

Part 2: Continued... is below.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Oct 22, 2008
 Part 2: Continued...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Nikki, I don't have a magic pill or remedy I can offer you that will take away your pain or your memories. They make up a part of who you are. They are what drive you to ensure you don't ever repeat what was done to you. You CAN come to terms with that. I found that acceptance was a great healer, acceptance that what happened to me (and my siblings, especially when I couldn't physically protect them) had actually happened, but that it was in my past. I couldn't do a single thing to change that past, but I learned that although all those horrible things I lived through in my childhood were over, that I myself was keeping the memories alive by reliving them each and every day through my thoughts. I relived them far more often than they had ever actually happened. Consider that for a moment, Nikki, really consider it...the insanity was in my thinking mind. Although it would be more than a couple more decades before I recognized that questioning my thoughts and turning them around would truly free me, I had learned long before that that changing what I thought would change how I felt. But each of us has to make this decision for ourselves. No matter how much advice I give you or my other visitors, you are still the one who must act to exact change.

You say every time you look in the mirror, you see HIM. I can relate; there was a time in my life that when I looked in the mirror, I saw the monster that was my mother. My psychiatrist helped me to see that I wasn't her at all. The next time you see HIM in your mirror, run off the list I wrote above of supportive things you did for Emme while the two of you were growing up. Then run it off again and again and again, until you convince yourself that you are NOTHING like that beast, even if you physically resemble him. Just look at your own parenting; that will definitely show you how truly different you are.

As for Jasper, rather than focus on why his father left him, focus on the fact that he was meant to be with you, that he is a special little boy that you were lucky enough to get to be the father for. Tell him what you never heard: "You are the special-est boy in the whole wide world. You are such a gift to me." You are a hero in his life, Nikki. This is an opportunity for you to shine and prove you are one of the best dad's on the planet. And based on what Emme says, that's true.

Final comments in Part 3: Continued... below.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Oct 22, 2008
 Part 3: Continued...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Just one last thing before signing off...I see you've left very supportive and encouraging comments to others who have posted their stories on this site. Doing so can be very cathartic. If you can give good advice, then you have it in you to understand how that advice can help YOU. Just remember to follow it yourself.

You've obviously read those stories. What I don't know is if you've read the comments I left as well. If so, you already have the information about a book I've been touting for a time: Byron Katie's Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. I hope you'll consider picking it up for yourself. Her approach is what I've detailed in Part 2 of my comments.

Normally, at this point I would also advise counselling of some sort; but I'm not sure that counselling is where you are at right at this moment. I sense that you would be highly resistant to counselling for the simple reason that you do not want to relive your memories and thus the pain attached to them; which is what counselling is all about. Perhaps there will come a time when that will change.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I do hope you will be a regular contributor for others who write their stories here, Nikki; you have so much to offer and much to gain in the process.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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