Comments for Child Abuse Story From Nicole H Part 2

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Nov 28, 2010
 Nicole:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I'm no longer in a position to be able to answer questions for my visitors. But the answers you're looking for are within the pages of this site. Check out the navigation bar at the left of this page. But there is something I want to address with you that I've addressed many times with visitors. I am not in favour of confrontations with abusers. They are wracked with minimizations, outright denials, and often the finger of blame is pointed toward the victim; all of it serves to re-victimize the person who was abused. Clearly, your mother could well be setting you up for the latter. She's already done at least one, if not both the others. Your therapist is a better alternative to discuss your feelings with; although some therapists still believe that confrontations are the way to go. Obviously, I would vehemently disagree with that assessment. Thank you for sharing more of your story with my visitors and me. Part 1 of your story went live on November 23rd. Automatic notifications (AN) are about 4 or 5 days behind the actual post date. If you opted for AN, you likely received it in your inbox yesterday, saying that your story was live on my site.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Nov 29, 2010
 abuse vs discpline.....it depends...
by: My Two Cents

To start with, you're not crazy. Before I discuss my thoughts, I want to emphasis one point - you are the person that had these experiences, so it is YOUR PERSPECTIVE that counts, not mine, not your mom's, and not person X.

Part of the issue with displine vs abuse is that there is often a generation gap. It wasn't so long ago that spanking was "in" when I was a kid, and now it is on its way out - in fact in Canada, the law only allows parents to spank kids between ages 2 - 12 and only with hands, that is no objects such as belts or canes allowed. Imagine how your parents might have been punished back in the 50's or 60's...I'm sure some of them think today's youth need a good tanning.

Combine the generation gap, the cultural differences between first and third generation immigrants (for example) and people's personal beliefs and experiences....all of this goes into what/how parents discpline children.

So...yes, your mom thinks, "that's not abuse, I was punished that way. I punished my kids the same way.". She probably believes this completely. There is a problem with this belief though - it doesn't match with your feelings or experiences and your opinion is the one that counts here.

So...where do you go now? I doubt discussing it with your mom will get you anywhere. But what YOU can do is this:

When I was a child, I was punished by X or Y or Z and I remember how much it hurt me. I promise NOT to use punishments that inflict pain on my children. I promise that if I use a punishment that I realize hurts my children, I will search for an alternative punishment.

I think if everyone made their children that promise or something similar, it would help to reduce violence against children.

Hmm...long essay, I hope it comes out right.

Be well.

My Two Cents.
Dec 19, 2010
 hmmmm
by: Nicole H

I think I need to make a few things clear. My mother was not "parented" the same way she did me. She was actually raised very well until her mother married a child molester. So in a way your right.

She thinks, "what I did to my children wasn't abuse, what I went through was abuse." Does that make it better? Does that justify anything? NO...

The excuses are what is annoying. I did this because....


Because you were a single mom who married a douche bag who you think is wonderful? We were a handful? Wilful? Stupid? ....whatever whatever whatever whatever, mom. Don't care to hear your country song mother. I have one of my own to sing.

I have been having recent flash backs of my step grandfather molesting me. There was even an investigation for me and my sister. I was showing all signs. I don't even know now what to think about it other than to be mad at her for caring so little about me.

Wouldn't protect me from anyone or anything let alone herself. No one else would either.

Its very hard for me to put a mirror to my face and say, " I am a surviver, I am a victim." What did I really survive? Was I going to die? Probably not. When I think of a surviver I think of so many other people who had it worse. I think of someone who was tortured. I think of someone who escaped the holocaust. I think of someone who felt their life was endangered at ever moment of everyday. NOT ME. Anyone else feel that way?

My mother made sure we were clean. Made sure not to leave marks on us. Never would punch us. Only slap. "Wouldn't leave a mark." We went to the doctor when we needed it. We always had food on the table. We always had nice clothes. She appeared interested in our schools.

Anyone else understand why this is confusing?
Dec 21, 2010
 yah, I can completely understand...
by: My Two Cents

Yup, I can understand. Your mom is a "smart" predator in the respect of going to some lengths to hide what she was doing.

It's all on her. It's YOUR PERSPECTIVE that counts, not hers. A qualified and skilled therapist should be able to help you with this. Whether she (mom) thinks it was abuse is irrevealant.

One note, my previous reply which started with, "You're not crazy," I made some assumpations just for the sake of suggesting some possible explainations. Whether they happened or not, I had no idea. I guess from your reply, they didn't and I hope my assumpations didn't cause problems. For the record, I don't think there is ever an excuse to hurt a child.

Umm, to sum, it's your perspective that counts, your mom hid this stuff so she could keep doing it, and you're not crazy, your mom has manipulated events so that if she is ever found out, it will be hard to prove - where's the evidence? Etc.

I hope that helps.

Be well.

My Two Cents.

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