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Aug 15, 2008
 I can relate...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I understand all too well why you feel responsible for the loss of light in your brother. As a young teenager, I committed an act against my youngest sister that I had a very difficult time forgiving myself for. My sister would tell on us kids (the 4 of us; there were 5 kids in our family) at every turn. She relished in getting us into trouble. As the baby of the family, she was favoured by our mother. One day, my little sister had gone too far. She had tattled on several of us in a short period of time, so I was bound and determined to teach her a lesson. I was five years older than her and a whole lot bigger: I went after her to intimidate her. I was imposing, threatening. I was determined to teach her what it was like to feel terrified of what was to come. I told her she would be sorry for the way she'd tattled on us. At first she put her nose in the air in that snooty way she always did. She wasn't learning; and that infuriated me. Knowing that our mother wasn't around to protect her, I started after her. Then she got scared. She ran away from me. I was relentless. I didn't "run" after her; I wanted her torment to last. I wanted her to feel what we had always had to feel, knowing that we would get beaten for whatever trivial "crime" she'd tell on us for. So I walked after her. But as I walked after her throughout the streets of our neighbourhood, others joined in. Before I knew it, there was a throng going after my helpless 8-year-old little sister, with me as their leader. I hadn't planned for that to happen, it just did happen.

The look sheer terror on her face will always be burned in my brain. In that moment, I realized that I had become my mother. I realized that I was capable of cruelty. That I was capable of inflicting harm. That I was capable of heinous acts against a helpless little girl.

In a desperate act of contrition, I screamed at everybody to "Leave her alone!" But even that act of contrition didn't absolve me of an act born of malice. I had wreaked panic and terror on my helpless little sister; a little sister that I used to rock to sleep; a baby sister that I had potty trained; a baby sister that I had loved so deeply, I thought she was mine.

Part 2: Your pain BLEEDS through your prose... follows below.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Aug 15, 2008
 Part 2: Your pain BLEEDS through your prose...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You have lived a lifetime assuming grievous responsibility for the act of being human; as a CHILD human being no less. The light that was lost in your brother was snuffed out by YOUR MOTHER, not by you. SHE put you all in an emotionally impossible position. SHE stripped you of your human-ness, both physically and mentally. SHE put you all in harms way.

You have spent the last 30 plus years blaming yourself for what your MOTHER did, instead of focusing on how you ran to your brother to protect him from the blows and helpless position he was in. You are not looking at this in proper perspective. You WERE NOT her co-pilot gunner. You WERE NOT her V.P. You WERE NOT her replica. That's all hogwash! You were a terrified child who was about to be beaten (along with your two siblings) for an act that you knew your little brother had committed. Of course you would be angry; every human being on this planet would be. This is in your mother's lap. And now here you are, decades after childhood, still applying adult values to an emotion, a very human emotion, that was spurred on by a raging and mentally twisted mother. This is not your burden to bear. Weakness??? I think not. You will never convince me otherwise. Pure and simple...this was your mother's doing. You showed tremendous courage and love, yes love, by going to your brother's side WHEN IT MATTERED MOST.

Not being able to talk about that horrible day in the kitchen is eating you up, not just because you've assumed responsibility, but because you have sentenced yourself to life imprisonment, solitary confinement with no chance of parole. EVER. Is that doing you or your brother or your sister any good? That would be a resounding "NO, it isn't!"

As an adult, I had a heart to heart talk with my youngest sister about that fateful chase, and about how chasing her had affected her. I wasn't looking for redemption; rather, I wanted to let her know I understood that what I had done had to have had adverse effects on her. I wanted her to understand that I felt deeply remorseful for the pain I had caused her. I was shocked to learn from her that my chasing her and causing the neighbours to form a posse of sorts had not had the impact on her that I believed it had. Did she gracefully let me off the hook? Perhaps. My point here is that the only way I know do deal with such self-imposed life imprisonment is to talk it through with those who were party to it. There is no shame in trying to heal.

And yes, I have forgiven myself. Don't you think it's time that you forgive YOURself? Don't you think it's time to stop paying for a crime you never committed? From my perspective, it's long overdue.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Aug 16, 2008
 I know your brother's pain all too well
by: Andrew Richards

You say your brother looks like he's in "aching, lonely, on-the-verge-of-tears kind of pain". If he is then I can completely relate- it's the kind of blind, directionless phantom agony that makes you feel like you want to rip your heart out just to make it stop. I also know that look you described- I've given it plenty of times myself, and I know the deep wounds that can follow it.

I agree with Darlene that as a child, you're helpless and acted as a child should and ultimately all the pain that you all feel is ultimately the doing of your mother, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'd necessarily downplay the impact you had on him on that day.

If you find my story on here you'll see that on top of being emotionally abused for 20 years, I was bullied all throughout high school having only a small group of 6 people I hung out with and at 16 I was sexually assaulted by one of them on a school camp. The first day back at school from the school camp, my best friend, the one person I honestly expected to completely back me up as I'd always done for him, turned on me, picking a loud argument with me accusing me of making the whole thing up. Not only was I left feeling afraid, alone and violated, but now my best friend, the last person I would ever expect to do something like that, betrayed me, right when I was feeling vulnerable and alone- when I felt like I didn't really have anyone else.

For years I never brought it up with him, but it was always there. We'd talk about anything and everything and on the surface, we were fine. But deep down, I never really felt that close to him as a friend after that.

Recently, I did have it out with him though and it did help. He had no memory of the event, but he was horrified he'd done it, and I know it's something he regrets and would change in a heartbeat if he could go back and do so.

I bring this up because really there are two realities here- the objective one which Darlene mentioned, and the subjective one of your little brother at that point in time. Darlene is right that you need to get some perspective that you were a helpless little child at the time and you reacted in a way that anyone could understand, but at the same time, your little brother looked to you and your sister for support in a key time of need and it wasn't there.

Darlene is right, if you want to make this right, have that talk- tell him now how much you regret that day and how you wish the circumstances had been different so much. Be the big sister now for that moment in time that you couldn't be back then because you were just a helpless child yourself.

I'm not saying it'll be an instant fix or that the wound left isn't incredibly deep, but it is one that can heal surprisingly quickly, when you know that you can truly count on that other person once more.
Aug 17, 2008
 I can relate
by: Sai Kit

Hi,

I don't know if your brother was really feeling the way you thought he was at that moment. But I do have to commend you for being protective and sensitive to him.

I had a friend who'd done to me a lot more than just an angry stare. She probably didn't know what she'd done. It was interesting how someone can do that much damage to another person (me) but still manage to give herself excuses to feel okay about it. But for me, what she'd done to me in years were very painful. I had a lot of tears. Long story.

From what I read you didn't give yourself any okays, even though it was just a glance at a dreadful moment, which was totally understandable. I was sure I would have understood if I was your brother.

I didn't have anyone to cover me with her own hand when my parents striked... I wished I had an older sister then.

If you tell him what you'd gone through, I am sure it will be a healing moment for you both.

Sai Kit
Aug 18, 2008
 Thank you.
by: Anonymous

After reading the responses from Darlene, Andrew and Sai, which I am grateful for, I have realized how important it to discuss this with my brother. He will be in town next week, and if I am fortunate enough to spend time with him, I will bring it up. I have been carrying this heavy bag around far too long and have taken responsibility for things that are not mine. It is time to hand the bag back to my mother and talk to my brother. He is a good man, intelligent and fair.
Thank you so much.
Aug 18, 2008
 Your brother in town next week...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

First of all, I am DElighted to learn that you plan to speak to your brother about this guilt and shame you've been holding on to. Secondly, this is what I believe...it's not only time that you have a talk with your brother, the Universe is aligning for you to do just that. He's coming to you. So I have no doubt that you WILL be able to get together with him.

I do hope you will let us know how things turn out.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Aug 18, 2008
 Confused
by: Jenna

***Comment removed as inappropriate by Darlene Barriere - Webmaster***

Note to Jenna from Darlene: Jenna, if you can't be supportive, then this isn't the place for you to comment. I ask that you please refrain from being disrespectful to my visitors who share their stories here.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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