Child Abuse Story From Name Undisclosed125

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

I wonder what's wrong with me: 
Ever since I was young I was being molested by my father and my step grandfather. My dad would come and touch me in the middle of the night and I was to scared to say anything cause I thought he would hurt me like beat me. My step grandfather would also touch me but not while I was sleeping just while I was at my grandmas and he threatened to kill me an my family. One day my grandmothers aide walked in and saw him touching me and told I was so happy. That was when I was going into 6th grade. My parents got divorced that year so all the touching stopped. The next year my dad got visitation. I broke down. I started to cut myself I was bulimic. My friends told the guidance counseler wat I was doing and I told my mom what my dad did and I went to court and had to testify. I was in therapy, I hated it so I acted like I was fine. But now I'm not and I'm having nightmares and having suicidal thoughts really bad anxiety and depression. I just wanna be happy and it's like I don't know the feeling, it's like a foreign language. I just don't wanna be in pain anymore and I can't like be in a relationship with a guy bc some how I end up using them and having no feelings at all. I feel like confused and like unable to fully express myself without hurting myself bc it feels like I'm like this bc of me. And I know it's not my fault it's just that there's a big wall between what I know and what I feel. I wonder if this is like normal. If I'm ever going to live a normal life. If I can ever be happy again.