Comments for Child Abuse Story From Mike Part 1

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Jan 10, 2009
 Part 1: Child abuse: NOT your imagination...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

First and foremost, Mike, congratulations on your sobriety! Job well-done, one that continues each and every day...keep up the great work!

As for your father, he rejected and ignored you in the worse possible way when he told you there was no way you could be his son. He kept changing the rules of the game. He terrorized you. He used brutal physical force against you in an effort to purposely hurt and harm you; the true definition of physical child abuse. It does not take an imagination to see that growing up with such brutality left you with the effects of child abuse in spades. Even in the throes of grief, when denial is often at its peak with individual family members, they eventually had no choice but to fess up to what your father really was: a vicious abuser toward you. If you haven't already read my article on this site Why Parents Target a Specific Child For Abuse, you might find it helpful. Not as an excuse, but as a possible explanation.

You said: "In his decline I had told him I'd forgiven him and loved him. Maybe it gave me some sense of closure...I don't know." Based on what you wrote, I don't see the "closure". Telling your father you forgave and loved him was a gift to him. The gift to yourself would be to actually forgive him. That DOES NOT mean that you say to yourself that what he did was okay; nothing could be further from the truth; it WASN'T okay, it will NEVER be okay. Forgiveness—true forgiveness—is for you, not your abuser. One doesn't even have to say a word to the person in order to forgive. True forgiveness says, "I will let go of the anger and hostility, because that anger and hostility is killing me and who I am." True forgiveness comes from a visceral place and says, "You no longer control me, you no longer have power over me". As long as you hold onto the hatred, your abuser—your father—continues to have power over you.

See Part 2: Your thoughts... below.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Jan 10, 2009
 Part 2: Your thoughts...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Mike, you owe it to yourself as an adult man who has entered into the last half of his life to get on with the business of living it in the best way possible. Only you can make that happen. Your dad physically and emotionally abused you as a child for less than half your life. Here you are now, 48 years old, still defining yourself by what your father did to you more than half of your life ago. You CAN make choices for yourself now, choices that can lead you on a path toward healing and recovery. You can't change what you feel, but when change what you think you automatically change how you feel.

As long as you continue to think the way you do, you will stay trapped in anger and hate and all that goes with it. As difficult as it is to grasp and come to terms with, when we refuse to forgive, it is because we want to hold onto that anger and hatred, often times because we've learned to identify ourselves by that very hatred. But when we hang on to hatred, it isn't our abusers who suffer; it's us who suffer.

Mike, you can no more "suck it up and move on" than you can stop yourself from breathing air to survive. Why? Trust me when I say that these words are not a contradiction to what I wrote earlier. Because it's your thoughts that are at play here. We don't let go of our thoughts; thoughts let go of us, but only when we question those thoughts first. I refer you to what I wrote in the body of Krystle's story for help with this. Try substituting thoughts like "I feel like it was my fault and that Dad was right", and work through them using the format I laid out in that post. The process may help you find the peace you seem ready to embrace. Just understand that I offer nothing comprehensive here. Rather, I continue to work on a healing program that I hope to make available to my visitors soon.

One last thing...you'll note that I've merged two of your three installments. I did this because Parts 1 and 2 flowed naturally together, and because I wanted to address some of the issues you brought out in both, here in my comments. As stated in the automated Thank You reply you would have seen when you first submitted your posts, time constraints have made it so that I can no longer offer comments on more than one submission from my visitors. I appreciate your understanding. I'll post Part 3 (as Part 2) tomorrow or the next day.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Jan 10, 2009
 working harder than anyone els...
by: touched2mysoul

I read your story.. I felt i had to comment "Through my work life I worked harder than anyone else, working to exhaustion. Was that a form of self abuse?"
I related to this statement so deeply. I have found thru my life that i work and do far more than others in similiar positions at work. I am certain it comes for the feelings of worthlessness and the need to make others happy while at the sametime beating them to the punch of finding something i didnt do.
I dont put myself thru it as much but i still find that i work past what i should.
I am learning thru therapy that i have worth, value, and deserve to have limits and boundaries. Child abuse seems to remove a persons sense of personal boundaries and seems to leave those of us who experienced it void of something that every child deserves and that is self worth... I wish you peace, personal boundaries, self discovery, self worth and love... You are worth it!
Jan 12, 2009
 it can happen
by: Anonymous

you're not crazy. maybe you're not perfect either, but you have a will. it got you through those years without becoming like him. you stood between him and your mom and your sisters. it got you sober. it got you to tell your story. the relations with people, the conversations--it will come. you'll find someone who will teach you how to belong to that extent, someone who won't give up on you. someone came for me at the moment i least believed that it was possible.

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



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From Victim to Victory
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