Comments for Child Abuse Story From John1

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Jan 13, 2010
 John:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. The questions you have asked are the same questions most, if not all, child abuse survivors ask themselves. You most certainly are not alone in the repercussions: guilt, shame and self-blame (which are all unwarranted), plus a host of other effects. And yes, triggers most certainly DO transport survivors back to the past. The best that I can offer you on this site is a safe place to disclose your story and a place to receive validation. I therefore strongly urge you to seek out some form of counselling, like you mentioned. A therapist is in a much better position to offer you the help you really need.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Jan 13, 2010
 I Share Your Addiction
by: Karen W

John, you are not alone in turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I am a recovering addict with 19 years clean. Many people turn to drugs after being physical and sexually abused, even emotionally abused. While I have never tried to end my life, there were many times I wanted to. Talking about your abuse is a huge step for you.

As I was told when i first posted to this site by Darlene, many families live in denial. It is easier for them to deny adn call the victim a liar as opposed to having to admit that one of the people they share blood with could possibly do such a thing. I was also called a liar. WE here at CBE believe you as we have all lived thru some sort of abuse and have had people doubt our word.

Always remember, you were a CHILD. What happened to you is not and was not your fault. Your uncle is solely to blame. He knew what he was doing was wrong, obviously. He took steps to cover it up. He should have been someone you trusted, not someone who stole your innocence. We are here for you to help you thru this difficult time. Darlene has created a wonderful support system.
Jan 14, 2010
 i know what you are going through
by: Anonymous

You feel like there are so many different people inside you pulling you in all directions i feel the same way to.All these different ways you think you should be,all these different feelings,sometimes you shouldn't feel at that moment,but it stops you where you stand,untill it passes then you pretend that you didn't even feel it.And you don't want to tell anyone because you are still ashamed,angry,not trusting,not stable enough with your emotions flooding on you at once.
But it does help to tell family even if you don't think they care,maybe they are just as in shock as we are,and they don't know what to do just like we DIDN"T,tell everyone in your family and people you feel that care just telling will help,but like me who is currently addicted i know i need help because i to still am trying to work through healing.I am sorry to ask it here but is there any help for people who don't have money to go see counsler.
Jan 15, 2010
 For John1, with heartfelt thanks
by: Mark

John1,
I read your story, and I feel your pain deeply, buddy. Your writing "spoke" to me; now I hope that you will "hear" my comments and take them to heart:
You are truly courageous; I really hope you understand that. Your acts of bravery - not only writing your story and helping others to understand that they are not alone - but also not giving up and committing suicide in the face of unbelievable pain and uncertainty, makes you one of the bravest men I know. You are a hero as far as I'm concerned.
I am also a survivor of childhood rape, but I have never had the courage to write about it or even respond to one of these stories until I read yours. My abuse was a little different, but our traumas are exactly the same.
I AM you, John1. You are NOT alone. I have felt the same guilt (though our abuses were NOT our faults), fear of discovery, paranoia that everyone knows, depression, suicidal thoughts, sexual confusion, and even thinking the words 'Abuse Me' were written on my forehead!
I don't just understand your feelings, buddy; I KNOW them like I know the back of my hand. Just think about that for a moment - someone else knows EXACTLY how you feel.
I'm in counseling now, so with therapy and open, honest stories from brave men like YOU, I know I'll get the help I need.
John1, please, I'm begging you - find some good help, too. If you're not sure how, ask someone, or look it up on the web. Please try to cut back on the substance abuse, and above all, please try not to think any more thoughts of suicide. This world NEEDS you. You've already helped me - maybe even saved my life. You're a hero in a world where we need more brave men like you.
You can't know how truly grateful I am to you. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me to realize I am not alone either.
Mark
Jan 15, 2010
 dear john
by: kelly

i do genuinly admire your strengh to write your story. your story moved me in many ways. i do hope you find the support. look inside yourself also because although there is a hurt child within you there can also be a child who needs nurturing try to nurture your child within and love yourself again. you were not responsible for what happened to you and it was not your fault. take some control back by giving the responsiblity back to those monsters.

god bless. x
Jan 16, 2010
 Thank you so very much!!!
by: John1

Thank you ALL for your comments.

I was moved to tears, especially by MARK'S comments, because YOU told me that YOU are ME. In a normal situation, that would not be good. But in this forum, this is a positive because now I know that I am NOT alone.

Mark - thank you for your words of encouragement. I am pretty sure that there will be no more suicide attempts in the future. Now that I finally recognize that there are triggers, I have to be more conscious of when they occur. In the past, they had been at an unconscious level. I now know how to recognize them. That is a true sign that I have grown and have learned on my journey through this life.

I do not know ANY of you personally - or maybe I do - who knows!!! You could be my next door neighbor, a former classmate, or someone who rides on the same bus as I do. It does not matter. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

I have not touched drugs in 5 months, though I almost did last week, but got it together before I did anything stupid. Mark - I hope that our paths cross at some point so that we can compare notes in person. But even if they do not, I am happy to have known you. After all, You ARE me!!!

God Bless All of You.
John1
Jan 16, 2010
 To John, my Courage, and a true hero...
by: Mark

John,
You are my Courage, buddy. Just knowing that you're out there, trying to make your life better, not only brightens my day but gives me courage to face my own problems. From the bottom of my heart: THANK YOU!!!
Thanks also for responding to my comments. I needed to hear that I was helping someone. By the way, you were moved to tears by MY comments? I was shedding tears all THROUGH your story! I'm sure I wasn't the only one, either!
I forgot to tell you this earlier - I am also chronologically an adult, but I can still feel that trapped, frightened boy inside me. You're NOT alone in that, either. Do me a favor: try to console that abused child inside you. Make him feel safe, and try to love him as much as all of us so obviously love you, OK, pal?
I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that you are moving away from suicide. After all, as my Courage, if you committed suicide, what kind of message would you be sending me? See, buddy? I and others in this world really DO NEED YOU!
Since we are the SAME person, I hope you feel my presence with you daily as I feel yours. As you are my Courage, so I hope I am your Support.
Thank GOD for you, John. Thank GOD for you.
Mark
Jan 16, 2010
 I'm a part of you now, John. Can you feel me?
by: Mark

John,
I read your comments to me again, and how you don't know me personally, because we've never met. But we HAVE met, John; we met right here on this website. We haven't met physically, but we've met emotionally, and that's more powerful in my book.
I'm in your heart now, John. Can you feel me, your buddy, Mark? I'm right there with you.
When you're happy, can you hear me laughing too?
When you're feeling good about yourself, can you feel me patting you on the back?
When you're worried about something, can you hear me whispering, "It's OK. You'll be all right."?
When you're sad, can you feel me wrapping you up in a great big bearhug while your tears fall on my shoulder?
When you're angry, can you feel me burning with injustice too?
When you're scared, can you feel me standing guard over you, ready to beat the hell out of anyone who tries to hurt you?

When you're feeling unloved, can't you hear me shouting, "I still love you! I ALWAYS will!"

Can you feel me in your heart now, John? You've given me a special place in your heart, and all those feelings of love, pride, and joy...they're coming from me, your buddy, Mark. And every time you think of me, you'll feel me right there with you. I know, because I can feel you here with me, too.
I love you, pal, and I will always be with you.

From inside your own heart,
Your buddy,
Mark
Jan 19, 2010
 Each abused has His--Her way of healing from it
by: maurice

John1. You trully are ever so honest, thank you. Darlene is ever so right her website gives each of her visitors to write in truthfulness and in honest exactly what happeend when they were used and abused. Many I feel still say abuse is wrong, bad etc without actually spelling out what abuse really is. so reading your story with the reality that happened to you helps me certainly to emphatise with you and your pain and how you are finding your way back from it. I emphatise with you simply as you detail how that Uncle and drunkard raped you. Your uncle certainly need to be (yes you guessed right) for what he did to you with no fear of being caught. He truly was a Bastard. John your body is precious to you as a child, is now and always will be only if you make it so. John if you truly love yourself. look in the mirror, she the magnifcence of your naked aanatomy. It's beauty, admire it, Make positive staements about it to yourself. I have a lovely etc. it is etc. Don't be shy or ashamed of doing so. Build up your self esteem. Darlene certainly has put you in the picture that you sure are not alone in the way you have and are dealing with the hurt and pain of rape. Be gentle and kind to yourself. I am a 63 year old male and since I realized I was a beautiful human being, it was only then I relaized my preciousness my bottom was abused someone who abused it and my dignity. Taking away my self respect by humilating me lessening my dignity by undressing me to beat me, especially in my adolence years. So John the effects of just a beating still linger on in me. I can imagine the pain of Rape lingers on longer. Hi John. you are strong, you are brave, you are courageous, Always believe in yourself. Please begin Now to have a healthy mind in a healthy body. you are young enough to be part of team and cultural groups to become active and fully alive and part of them. The more we inter mix with others the less we dwell on our past. We live healthily in the NOW time of our lives. I found once I took part with my peers in as it was for me football I began having a healthy attitude towards my body and my body parts. We're no different but ever so unique and beautiful in our own bodies and right. John respect your own dignity and it will help you to have others respect it and you others. Ok don't quit, don't give up on me is my loving carimg words to you
Mar 03, 2011
 I was like you but my mother touched my body
by: Ayase

John1 i understand your pain, i had to handle the sexual abuse, physical, and negleted. Read my story and compliment. My mother is such an alcoholic that she neverd cared for me but when she snaps out of it she does care. Its like a split personality that she had. So i hope you can get over the awufulness.

From Darlene - Webmaster: Ayase, I appreciate that you want to be helpful, but please do not leave your full name on any comments or stories on this site. This is for your own personal safety. I've deleted your original post and re-posted it in order to remove your full name, as I do not have access to the field where you put your name. But I cannot keep doing this. If it happens again, I'll have to delete your comments. I trust you understand my position on this.


From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Jun 03, 2011
 you are better than you think you are
by: BMW Princess

I don't think you'ere a bad person.
All this stuff that happened was your uncles fault. Put the blame where it needs to be. On your uncle. If your`e gay or bi it`s not because you were molested. It`s just something that happens sometimes.
Jun 06, 2011
 all of us
by: michelle f

all of us here feel anger,fear,hate,betrayed,confused,lost,depressed,
used,when those times comes you have to let them out,I have found that people i work with will deal with me and my craziness,people here on this site help me feel not so crazy,just like your story and the feelings you have I have them too.
But don't let it get you so down that you try to kill yourself YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT,even though you don't feel it now.if you are gay it not does not matter you getting better does then you can figure that out later,once you sort out your emotions then you can go on with your life.it will take a while but you are worth it.

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stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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