Comments for Child Abuse Story From Jessica

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Mar 08, 2008
 Nauseated, yes; self-blame, no:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about! My god, Jessica, you were a child! You did absolutely NOTHING wrong. You weren't "dumb." You friend's father is a child molester. He was the one with all the power; you had none. It wasn't your fault. It was HIS fault. The blame lies solely with him.

This sex offender of a father knew your vulnerabilities. He knew the irresistible temptation to a 15-year-old teenager for alcohol. He knew you and his daughter would see him as "cool" and as "your friend." He knew you would eventually succumb to the effects of the alcohol. He counted on all of that, Jessica. Then, methodically, when you were in a drunken stupor, he raped both you and his daughter. As your friend's father, he was in a position of trust. He took advantage of that trust in the most heinous way. At 15, your brain still had growing to do, so you weren't in a position to properly predict what would happen when you started drinking. So please stop putting adult values on decisions you made when you were an adolescent. You're being so unfair to the 15-year-old young person that you were when you do.

I believe counselling can help you to put this into perspective, Jessica. Counselling can help you understand that what happened to you and your friend was NOT your fault. It will never BE your fault, no matter how many times you try to say otherwise. You were the child; he was the adult. The shame is his to bear, and his alone.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Mar 08, 2008
 The shame is HIS-Dont you dare carry it!!!
by: Linda Settles

Jessica, you can listen to Darlene. She speaks for all of us when she tells you that the abuse is not your fault and that the shame belongs to the perpetrator--the sick, twisted, narcisstic man who molested you and his daughter.
I, also, believe that counseling would help you. When we hear the truth coming out of our own mouth in the presence of another person, especially a person who is trained to listen and help us understand, it brings a lot of healing. It helps to set us free.

I want you to be free of the baggage of guilt and shame that you are carrying. It does not belong to you. It is his guilt--and his shame.
You are brave to write about your story. It took me a long time to get to that point. Telling other people-SAFE people-is the starting point for recovery! I hope to hear more from you--to know that you are getting help. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, Jessica.

This commenter has a "room" on OpenSpace on this website. To read her various entries, check out Linda's Room.
Mar 09, 2008
 Self-Blame
by: Colm

Hi Jessica
I am a male and the victim of elder sibling sexual abuse at 13 and I know all about self-blame. I am not counsellor or anything but at the age of 59 I believe I have come to terms with my self-blame through a dream I had recently that to me was the key to unlocking the cycle of self-disgust. I have written it all down and I now seek ways to tell others. I have read the replies you have been given and I although they are well-meaning I believe that it is pointless saying don’t blame yourself, such vacuous statements don’t help, they didn’t help me. It wasn’t until I ripped up the ‘perpetrator is only to blame’ mantra that I discovered my complicity, however involuntary that was, but like you I went back for more abuse, not that I wanted it, but because I felt powerless to stop it. Once I accepted this first hurdle I could then objectively analyse why I felt powerless and a Pandora’s Box opened up of a dysfunctional family lacking in love and support, that also afflicted the perpetrator, but in an entirely different way. Spreading blame outwardly helped me at first but still didn’t diminish my anger nor my propensity for self-blame, but it did set the foundation for the dream I had recently that put the matter to rest. To explain that here would take too long and anyway its details would hardly be applicable to anyone but me, but the inferences it made are applicable to everyone. That is that we are made up of multiple bits that can be reduced down to three major components, our child-self, our parent-self and our adult-self, and all three are in us from birth, but of course they play dominant roles at different times throughout our development. What you have got to do is separate these components and identify which one is doing the self-blaming. I think you’ll find your adult-self is bombarding your child-self with these accusations, and until you can wrench free of your protective parent-self’s overbearing domination of your child-self can you be free. The reason this is so is because normally our parent-self should release domination over our child-self in adolescence and allow our adult-self to become the dominant one, but as it stubbornly refuses to do so we go on blaming ourselves perpetually. I hope that like me you have a dream that reveals all this to you one day and expels that demon once and for all.

Mar 09, 2008
 Suggested reading...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Jessica, if what Colm is describing is something that interests you—that is the child-self, the adult-self and the parent-self; and how you can use these psychological states to help yourself at this time—consider reading the book, I'm Ok-You're Ok by Thomas A. Harris. Your local library may have a copy for you to borrow. A second-hand bookstore is another source.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Mar 10, 2008
 wow!!
by: Anonymous

dont feel stupid about this you did nothing wrong thats jus something that you should have told.Its really scary when its happening to you at a young age you cant blame yourself in anyway you should just pray to God and be happy you can tell people just try to help and make a diffrence and help this from happening to other kids. I think your very strong for talking bout this and it takes alot thats awesome you have the strenth to do that God bless and i hope u have a better life now :)
Mar 13, 2008
 get this
by: Anonymous

***Comment moved by Darlene Barriere to Commentary page title Incest runs rampant in my family***
Mar 17, 2008
 well...
by: Anonymous

i really think that you should tell someone about this because you never know if the kreep is hurting someone else out there. YOU HAVE TO TAKE A STAND.
good luckkk
Mar 23, 2008
 Get your friend away from that HOUSE
by: Anonymous

I was three when my " uncles started. I was six when I was raped by my father. It went on until I was sixteen and left. I did nothing wrong but I alway feel dirty.
Mar 30, 2008
 jessica
by: Anonymous

Dont think it is your fault because it is not, he is the sicko and you should tell him someday how sick he is

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