Comments for Child Abuse Story From Helena M

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Apr 28, 2009
 Confrontations...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Helena, you were very fortunate to have received an acknowledgment, let alone an apology, from one of the men who molested you as a child. Most confrontations do not end so positively. Most end with denials, minimizations and/or finger pointing toward the victim. There is no guarantee that you will experience the same outcome with the second man. The act of writing a letter and sending it to this man might well result in a devastating outcome. If you decide to go through with contacting him, you must be prepared for such a possible outcome, and then be ready for the resulting repercussions on your emotional state. If you decide to go through with this, I strongly urge you to have a support system in place so that you can have someone to turn to, someone who can help you through the aftermath if things go poorly.

What happened to you was not a relationship violence situation, Helena; it was a "child molesting a child" situation. Your story is a child abuse story, not a relationship violence story. At their age, only exposure to such things could have resulted in what happened to you. These boys were also sexually abused. Perhaps they experienced contact sexual abuse, I cannot say for certain. But regardless, the fact that they had access to porn made it at the very least, non-contact sexual abuse.

These boys had power over you because of their size, advanced stage of childhood, and the difference in age between you. They misused that power and used it against you. As a little girl, you learned that sexual molestation was to be expected by "friends". As a teen, you learned to "get them before they get you." Promiscuity, misuse of alcohol and drugs are most definitely among the multitude of effects of sexual child abuse. Your trust issues with respect to intimate relationships is also an effect of what you endured, especially given the length of time you endured. Based on what you lived, you learned that men could not be trusted. You continue to carry that "lesson learned" with you in adulthood. Even if you get an apology from the other guy, I'm not convinced that you will suddenly start trusting men. I believe your trust issues go much deeper than that. You were betrayed and abandoned by the people who should have been there to protect you and keep you safe from harm.

See Part 2: Moving forward... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Apr 28, 2009
 Part 2: Moving forward...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Helena, our 20's are a time to learn about yourself, to discover who you really are. It can be a turbulent time, but it is made more so when you carry emotional residue from childhood. I've learned that my own emotional well-being cannot be elevated by the actions of others; only my own actions and thoughts can make a difference in my emotional health.

If you go through your life believing that you need closure from this second man in order to move forward, you give him power over you, power that isn't his to own. I can appreciate the fear you feel about possibly coming face to face with this man. I too used to fear running into my abuser. But when I was in therapy, I learned that my abuser no longer had power over me, unless I continued to give up that power. I came to understand that I had to take my power back. I suggest you read through the comments I left for another contributor this morning titled You've come a long way... at Nancy5's story on this site. You might find them helpful in moving forward.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Apr 28, 2009
 As children we accept alot in innocense that happen us.
by: Maurice

Oh Helena, your very lucky and very brave you've found Darlen's site to share your childhood expeianeces which were abuse by these older boys on you. Hear darling speak to you her professional words of LOVE, SUPPORT< ENCOURAGEMENT to you. She's good and ephatises well with each of her visitors. The nice thing for me is that she respect YOU. Yes in our innocent years of growing as children and teenagers we accept alot as just some kind of horse play even though it has sexual connotations in the play. In my innocence at boarding school I accepted that the older boy could do as he pleased with me sexually while I thought that was normal. Until I found out from other caring boys how wrong it was. The effects of abuse do go away or diminish with the eyars especially when we take charge of them, control of them out of true love and respect for the me person. You seem to have found some one who loves you unconditionally, you are lucky, Darlene has given you some lovely words of help for you to walk with yourself and him say I can do it, I will do it and I must do it for me and him. Mostly for yourself Helena B. Say I'm Special and Believe it. Heed the caring words of darlene to you.

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



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