Comments for Child Abuse Story From Dan1

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Nov 05, 2009
 The self-blame is not only tormenting, it's crippling...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Dan, you've got to let go of this self-blame. Based on what you described, you were what is known in the field as a "sexually reactive child". That means you were exposed to sexual material/activity at a pre-pubescent age, and as a result, engaged in age-inappropriate sexual behaviour. You mimicked what you saw. That doesn't make it your fault just because you were the elder of the two of you. You too were a victim, Dan. You were too young to understand what you were watching. Too young to process what was on that tape. Too young to know what you were doing. There's a reason that 11-year-olds still need their parents. As you got older and more mature, you came to understand; but what you've come to understand is incomplete. You are applying mature adult values on what you did as a young boy, but you forget that the real crime was that porn was so readily available to you and your friend and no adult was aware enough to protect both of you from the repercussions. Please consider speaking to a counsellor about your torment. This isn't yours to bear. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Nov 05, 2009
 You shouldn't feel guilty
by: Anonymous Female

I have a similar story Dan. There was one person that I spent a lot of time with; we have always slept in the same bed since we were about ten, and that's when we started to touch each other sexually. Then one day she said that she felt as though she might have done something wrong, but I didn't blame her for it because we were only children at the time. I also felt as though I had done something wrong but when we discussed it we realised that no one was to blame.

Good luck and don't feel so bad.
Nov 05, 2009
 child abuse hater feels for you
by: child abuse hater

all i can say is it really isnt your fault, who ever dropped that porn video is to blame because of there carelesness ov not being able to hold onto something has caused you to blame yourself for something u have no blame for.

child abuse hater believes all children abused can overcome there trauma and can make there lives the way they should be.
Nov 05, 2009
 Discuss the matter.....
by: Monisha

Heyy I dont know who is to be blamed. Your friend is a guy right so it would be much easier and better for you to discuss the matter with him. I am not telling its a very easy thing, but its better than talking all that to a girl. He told you he looks upto you as a big brother right. So he doesnt hate you. I am a victim and I can never imagine saying something honorable to a person who I consider as an abuser. Just tell him or write it in a letter or an email anything that will let you know of what he is feeling. May be he is feeling equally responsible, just talk.

One more request is that dont let your children get hold of any such material. You are just 20 right I am telling you just in case. Be carefull and monitor what they are looking at.
Nov 06, 2009
 well......
by: christina

i never read any of the other comments that are written cuz i dont want it to waver what i really think....and in your case, i dont think that you were abusive sexually or physically to him...you were both kids....at such a young age, kids try all kinds of different things based off of what they have seen or been brought up in, and boys especially can be interested...i have 3.....in my case i was 3 and my brother was 12, so that was a lil dif....if i were u, id just love and adore, protect and treasure your lil friend, most of all, forgive yourself because apparrantly, he has forgiven you....
Nov 06, 2009
 You're not alone
by: Anonymous

I also did the same thing when I was little. There was a friend of mine whose mom babysat me and my younger sister. Sometimes us two boys would go hide and do stuff or when he'd spend the night i made him. I don' tthink he ever really did it voluntarily. Here's something that makes you better than me though. I was able to stop for a while but then when I got older I started again except it wasn't quite the same stuff. I babysat a couple of friends when I was a teenager and I made them do stuff as part of a game we played and even though I've stopped for good now it still affects me to this day and I really regret it.
Nov 08, 2009
 Irresposible Adults with no care for the innocent child/teenager
by: maurice

Dan 1 great you gave Darlene's site the acknowledgement it deserves. She sure was a visionary when she set it up but more as well. Her stewardship of it is what makes it a safe place for her many visitors to sit in the privacy of their rooms and write their true feelings of their abuse or what happened them in their childhood, there teenage years etc. You and your little friend should never have been able to come accross such a tape at your tender years of growing. The owner of that Pornographic tape is the uncaring adult, not giving a damn where he dropped the tape. Just did'nt care who would pick it up. What you and your friend did while viewing it was total innocence sadly now bringing up in your thoughts the adult understanding of what you did. Stop blaming yourself, let go of it, talk to a counsellor who will further your understanding of all you acted out rather than fully understand what you did. Darlene's comment, read over again, slowly making real sense of her heartfelt understanding of what really happened. She sure has given you words of empowerment. Get on with living your life to the full, live well, laugh alot, love much.
Nov 18, 2009
 Thank you all for the comments
by: Dan

All of you guys words helped me feel better about my situation. I haven't seen my friend lately since he last came to my house, but I was thinking about asking him for his cell number so that I can talk to him about what we did as kids over the phone if not by Email. But thank you all so much you all were very encouraging and I'm not really afraid or ashamed to talk to him anymore. But please wish me luck.

From Darlene: Wishing you only the best, Dan. Just be honest and true in every way possible. When it comes from your heart, it will be seen as such.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Nov 18, 2009
 All the best
by: Monisha

All the best...I am sure everything will be alright and you will not be bothered about all this guilt thing once you talk to him.
Nov 23, 2009
 Always Believe in YOURSELF
by: Maurice

Dan 1 it is great to be aware that distant hearts can give you the uplift you know and feel is doing you the world of good. Always Believe in yourself. I can, I will, I must, You need good and true people around you Called Friends to keep you thinking positive, acting positive, being positive. Look out for others whom you know to be abused. Keep doing what is the best for you Dan 1 Counselling if it is available around where your at. Keep heeding Darlene's words to you. Some very natural and thoughtful comments to you. including mine, Thank you for acknowledeing the help they have been to you. Darlene's site is the doorway to your heart. Always believe in yourself
Jan 15, 2010
 To Dan1, an awesome "bigger brother"
by: Mark

Dan1,
I do wish you the best of luck.
Call your friend. You were both damaged through no fault of your own, and he is the best person in the world for you to talk to. You know what happened wasn't your fault, but you're worried that maybe he doesn't know that, and you need his forgiveness as validation.
Call him. Even if he isn't forgiving, I think it will mean a lot to him to know that you are very sorry (though not responsible!) for what happened. If he sees how much pain you're in, how much you miss him, and if he loves you as much as I think he does, he'll forgive you eventually, even if he needs time first. If he does, give him that time.
If he has trouble believing that you were innocent as well, maybe you could ask him to view this website. I don't think he'll mind you writing about the two of you - this is all anonymous, after all. That choice is yours.
Could you write back and tell us how your talk went? No pressure to call him, though, OK? Call him when you feel it's right, buddy. I'd be very happy to know if you two patched your friendship back together, and I'll try to be here for you if things work out less than well.
Thanks for your story and also for all the terrific comments you've given other people. I wish all people were as caring of other's feelings as you are. That would be great!
Here's hoping with all my heart that you are able to reunite with your friend,
Mark
Feb 04, 2010
 i Feel that i FAILED. It was harder than i thought
by: Dan1

I feel like a scared weak minded nobody. My friend was over my place with his whole family on Sunday ( 1/31 ). I didn't know he was coming over that day but I was really glad to see him. We spent most of the time playing video games in the game room. the whole time I thought of talking to him about what we did as kids. I didn't know how to bring it up. not until like 15 minutes before he was going to leave did I actually try to ask him about it. but it didn't turn out as I planned. I completely panicked and I started to studder as my words came out. I'm sure he knew what I was trying to tell him because I stole a glance at his expression as I tried to talk with my head looking away from him, he looked somewhat surprised. I then saw him get up to leave. I walked him out the room and shook eachothers hand but niether of us said anything to eachother. I'm scared that maybe he does hate me. As him and his family got to their car, he looked at me throught his car window. I tried to put on a face that said, "please forgive me". I walked back to the game room and from my window I watched them take off. I just sat their thinking about what just happend and how I failed to fix that 1 thing that's keeping me from feeling like a good person. I quietly started to cry. I didn't even get his number so that I can communicate with him that way, and I have no idea when I'll see him again. After all that happend, I thought of the helpfull comment you wrote to me Darlene and everyone elses comments of encouragement and told myself "what did I do wrong?". I feel like a fool.

From Darlene: There is nothing to feel like a fool about, Dan. When we go into things with expectations, fear can get a choke hold on us. You did your best in the moment (don't argue; you did your best in the moment). Looking at yourself as a failure does you no good; besides, you didn't fail. You brought it up, regardless of the way things went down, and now the ball is in his court. For goodness sake, stop beating yourself up. You might be surprised where this ultimately goes.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Feb 05, 2010
 Thnx Darlene
by: Dan1

After thinking about what happend I guess I shouldn't call myself a failure. I'm sure he knows what I was trying to tell him. My only concern is, what if he moved on and forgot about it and then hated me for bringing it up again when he came over? I think I made the situation very akward because after I choked on my words the first moment I tried to tell'em, there was one of those silent moments that prabably made him uncomfortable. I rather not know that he hates me. he was my only "little brother" I had growing up and that's why I care about him so much. I was looking forward to a day when him and I were alone so that I can talk with him. I don't know why it went the way it went. I was so ready.

From Darlene: But he wasn't, Dan. HE wasn't. There were two people affected that day. That's what you must respect.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Feb 05, 2010
 i agree.
by: Dan1

Yes Darlene we were both affected by it and I respect and accepted that. I really want to know how he is though. I need to know if he's ok or if it affected him in any way because I know i'd be able to help him. This site was a really big and Happy answer to my prayer. I realize that even the most innocent looking child can be watching some kind of adult content or have it hidden somewhere without the parents having no idea at all. I was thinking of having talks with some of my younger relatives because I want to make sure that they do not do the same thing I did.(I know they won't. but just so that they can know that they can talk to me about anything). thank you for everything Darlene. I'll always stick around.

From Darlene: Thank YOU, Dan. If you do talk to your younger relatives, make sure that their parents know about it first, otherwise you could be setting yourself up for some unwanted problems in the future. And I look forward to reading your comments to other visitors. I wish you all the best.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Feb 06, 2010
 Live and let live allow each other to get on with that
by: Maurice

Dan 1. Darlene has empowered you with her kind words of putting things in perspective right now for yourself. Be Safe, Continue to Believe in your own ability to make a real sense of your own abuse, get on with living your life to the full. don't force any issue let matter work out naturally between you. Each time you get in conversation let himm talk and I am certain you will find out naturally where he's at. Natural conversation between two people who are aware of each others abuse will evolve. Think about the natural solutions to your genuine care, concern, anxiousness etc. It wll all work out for you. Have a healthy mind in a healthy body
Apr 14, 2010
 Don't worry, you're not bad
by: H.

I read your two stories Dan1. I have come here as well when I can't get things out of my mind. My situation was different than yours but I can't say you did something wrong. You weren't manipulative, coercing, or hurting. Talking about something like this isn't easy, I have yet to personally see anyone professional about what I went through or talk to my family; however I know it's hard to talk about it. I told some once and you choke, you gag upon the words you try to speak but all that matters is that your words reflect the feelings in your heart and mind.
Apr 14, 2010
 Don't internalize society's paranoia
by: Anonymous

You are tormenting yourself because society now has a dangerously simplistic attitude to any sexual activity between or involving minors. Yes, in some jurisdictions you could have easily been prosecuted for this (amazing and stupid as that sounds) but that would not be right. You were simply experimenting. Kids do that, some more than others.

If you do talk with your friend about this, you will probably discover that it was no big deal.
Aug 04, 2010
 I am so glad that you shared your story
by: Anonymous

Dan, this is undisclosed 43. I cannot tell you how happy I am that you decided to share your story. If I had not read your story, I would have never had the courage to share mine. And to be completely honest, I do not know what sad condition I would be in right now without having read your story. Weeks after I woke up thinking I was a child molester, I searched the internet for information just hoping I would find something that would tell me that my behavior was normal. I found nothing. Everything I read threw me into a deeper depression. Then I came across this site, I read a few stories. I felt really bad for all the awful things that these people had to go through, and thought what if I cause someone this kind of pain? How could I live with myself? Then, thank God, I read your story. Very different, yet very similar. I felt your pain, but for the first time, I did not feel alone. There was someone else like me, who felt just like me. Like I said, if I hadn't read your story, I would have never posted mine. I would still feel like a horrible person, and I wouldn't have thought my story belonged on this site. I wouldn't have gotten all the wonderful encouragement that has helped me so much. It?s all because of you that I've reached out and gotten help and eventually got the strength to apologize to my cousin. Words cannot express how grateful I am for you. As you know, it is difficult, but each day gets better. I am starting to realize that we are not bad people because bad people do not feel bad about the things they do. And in all honesty Dan, if I had read your story before I started having thoughts about my own past, I still would have thought that you were just a child and you and your friend were doing what any normal children with access to that material would have done. You did nothing wrong. You are a great person because you are willing to accept responsibility for what you did even when you were 11 years old! And try and make amends for it! Seriously, you are an amazing person, and I hope you realize that. I hope you also realize that your story has helped vastly improved the quality of life of another person, me. Thank you Dan!

P.S. I promise you you're friend is not upset with you. Im sure the conversation will be an awkward one, but please do what you need to do to put your mind at peace.

Much love Dan
Sep 09, 2010
 This is Undisclosed 43
by: Anonymous

Dan 1, please stop putting the blame on yourself for the problems in someone else life. Im sure there are many other factors in your friend's life that may be the cause of what's going on. Please don't jump to conclusions, maybe he isn't cutting himself. Maybe he is just going through a difficult time like most teenagers do. I encourage you to seek counselling to have someone give you a different point of view on things. Please don't continue to suffer. I know what it feels like. I know the struggle. I too still struggle with the past on a regular basis. You have to strive for happiness. I know its difficult. I fight everyday for it, and I encourage you to do the same. Here is one of my favorite sayings that help me get through each day: The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

There is more to this prayer. Use a search engine to research more on the Serenity Prayer. I promise you it will provide you with a sense of peace of mind and encourage you to press on with life.
We can't change what we did Dan1. We can only be at peace by accepting what we've done and having the courage to change and move forward with our lives. Let's be grateful that we have each other to lean on. I hope I can help you as much as you have helped me. Much love Dan1

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From Victim to Victory
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