Comments for Child Abuse Story From Aiden1

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Jan 28, 2010
 I believe your wife is WAY off the mark...what she is suggesting is repeating what your parents did to you...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Aiden, I'm making an exception replying in detail to your story today, primarily because what you are suggesting can be highly detrimental to your son. But first, let me say that I don't see you as any "type of person" not worthy of being heard on this site.

The whole issue of masturbation for many people is sinful and shame based. I am not one of those people. The way your parents dealt with you was not only completely inappropriate; it messed you up on many levels. Their methods didn't curb your desires, they ultimately created an obsession that is bordering, if not actually, an addiction; an addiction you need help with. You are the poster boy for how not to handle what I believe is a perfectly normal and acceptable thing. Exploring one's own sexuality is perfectly natural and normal. Even fetuses touch and play with themselves in utero. If you and your wife choose the same or similar path that your parents followed with you (punishment for masturbation) you are sending him a message that there is something wrong with him; and you can expect the same results for your son as what you experienced—and STILL experience—and then some. I don't believe you want that for him.

As for "the talk", there is no one talk; it's an ongoing conversation, and that conversation must be age appropriate. If you don't continue the conversation with your son, you are doing him a huge disservice, and you will be setting him up for getting the information from other inappropriate sources. At eleven years old, he has already discovered himself. Talk to him, Aiden. Make sure he understands that those feelings he experiences are perfectly normal, that there is nothing wrong with him. Boundaries need to be set, but those boundaries are about what is acceptable behaviour in private and in public. And if you can't get your wife to understand the importance of this, if she chooses punishment rather than acceptance of something so natural, your son will have loads of hang-ups about his own sexuality. There is so much more to be said about this issue, but there isn't the space and this isn't the forum. I can only hope to wake you up about this. Aiden, find the help you need so that your son doesn't suffer in the same way you have. Find a way to turn your pain into power; power for your son. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Jan 28, 2010
 Just some thoughts...
by: Mark

Aiden,
I'm sorry for what you went through. I agree with Darlene; I think that masturbation is a normal, healthy, pleasurable part of anyone's life, but I respect people's opinions that masturbation isn't for everyone. I think, though, if you keep searching, you'll find some resources that concur with Darlene and myself.
Here's my solution - let your son decide for himself. Unless there is some religious or medical reason otherwise, I don't think you should encourage or discourage him. You might tell him neutrally what masturbation is, and then tell him that it's his decision, and lastly add that you will be honest and open with him should he have any questions or concerns.
That's my solution - I hope it helps.
I think your son is lucky to have a dad who is as thoughtful as you are.
Your friend,
Mark
Jan 29, 2010
 I am beautiful, My wife is beautiful. My children are beautiful
by: maurice

Aidan 1 your real childhood experience of having part of your most natural, normal and real, your sexuality controlled by un-educated parents on how to help their children value what is ever so natural, normal and beautiful accepted as such. Please follow Darlene's loving guidelines regards your own son. Your parents like 85% of parents meant well but sadly gave you a very unreal acceptance of your BODY growing and maturing as a child, teenager, puberty etc. Even still today even the younger generation of Parents feel ever so inadequate to help their children to understand their beautiful bodies and what is ever so normal and natural. Help yourself and your wife to learn what is the right way to relate this to your own flesh and blood. your gift, your blessing, Let him talk and tell you his mind on what is happening his body, allow him to be part of sport with other boys his own age. He will from time to time shower with these boys his own age and see he is normal, he is not different, he's a real boy of 11 years etc. He will be in control of valueing his sexuality, body etc. The way I was learned about my sexuality was from my peers. it was made wrong by adults rather than real by ourselves. I can emphatise with you making a normal/natural thing of it when the time came for yourself. Your parents meant well but were very wrong. doing you an injustice controlling your toilet motions natural erections by being present almost 24 hours every time these happened naturally. You want your child growing up with a healthy mind in a healthy body. Get yourself and his mother talking naturally about it all. Sure you both have had intercourse in true LOVE of each other. Make your own nakedness real.natural and normal. I don't say this in condemnation but out of true love and rspect for you both. Grow up yourselves in acccepting your beautiful bodies/sexuality attitudes. Have a healthy mind in a healthy body. Let your child educate you while you eduacte him out of respect and LOVE for him. Darlene sure put it evr so lovingly to you follow her guidelines and your children will thank you for it.
Jan 29, 2010
 18 year old advice
by: Anonymous

i am so shocked by the way your parents treated you. ive read your story and understand they must have had very religious views or really didnt agree with thier son masturbating but this sounds obbsessive.
i am very sorry you were put through this as no one deserves that!
masturbation is a very normal thing and everyone should have the right to do it... also they have the right to do it in privacy!
ur son may not ask you about masturbation as it is a very individual thing but may ask you about other things of a sexual nature.
one thing my parents always told me was you can come to me about anything and you will always be told the truth!
and i believe this is the way to be!
everyone has rights as a human and i believe your son has the right to masturbate.
your wife is one of many women in the world who were curious but not hugely bothered by the urges of touching herself but boys going through puberty had alot stronger urges and are more likely to act on them as masturbation for a boy is more like sex than for a girl.
hope this helps
Jan 30, 2010
 It is what God created
by: Anonymous

I am guessing that your parents were very religious, and I understand that in some religions things of a sexual nature are either not discussed or approved of. I was brought up that sex was bad. Totally blown out of context of what God created us for. While the Bible doesn't go into detail on what is acceptable for a teenager or preteen it does say that God made us with intention. I agree with the others. Masturbation is acceptable, God made us the way we are and for a reason. However there should be boundaries as to where this takes place. Obviously not in public. I am very sorry that your parents did what they did to you, and you are now having more problems piled on top of what was already there. That is not to say that your parents weren't with out good intent. I just think that they had it all wrong. Nobody should be punished for what comes naturally and with what God blessed us with. It would be absurd for a parent to say to a child I don't think that going to the bathroom is appropriate, so you may not go to the bathroom. God made us that way. I think as long as you are open with your son and your wife is also things should go fine. You are obviously not ok with the punishing him for it or you wouldn't have written your story. I hope this helps, and you should study the Bible for yourself and not totally rely on what you were taught. I know I was taught a lot that is contrary to what God originally intended.
Jan 31, 2010
 I can only imagine.
by: Dan1

My goodness Aiden. after I read your story I realized how lucky I was when it comes to being able to"know my own body". I was raised in a Catholic home so I completely understand the way your parents raised you and why they gave you boundaries. but the way your parents raised you was way over the line, they were doing way to much. My GOD! I know that when I have kids I can never imagine myself ever raising them the way your parents did. Please Aiden let your son Explore his body. Of course go and talk with him, let him know that masterbation is all part of being a human being and growing up. I'm not saying to encourage him to be a sexual addict of course not. have a talk with him and just let him know that he can talk to you about it whenever he has questions, and I'm sure you'll know what to tell'em. I'm 20 years old and i'am the 7th oldest grandchild (in my moms side) out of 47 (soon to be 48 in april) grandchildren. so there are a lot of kids in my family. Nothing can be more honorable than to know that most of my (Male) little cousins trust me enough to talk to me about sexual content. I try my very best to give them the best advise I can possibly give to them, and also tell them to be carefull and safe. I trust that they will, and I'm sure your son will too. what I'm trying to say is that I'm sure your son won't do anything that will put himself in physical danger. He's 11 years old I'm sure he's smart. You're already the best Dad in the world.
Sincerely,
Dan1
Jul 11, 2010
 Thankyou
by: Aiden

I am just writing to say thank you.

After I posted I felt really embarrassed and could not bring myself to post a thank you. So I am doing it now.

Aiden

From Darlene You're very welcome, Aiden. The thank you is graciously received. And please, try not to feel embarrassment; rather, consider that posting yours and your son's stories is an opportunity for healing. There is nothing more wonderful than that. Thank you for allowing me to post what you wrote for that reason and for the opportunity for others to heal as well.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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