Child Abuse Effects Even in Adulthood

by Trisha
(Racine WI)

I OFTEN SIT AND WONDER?? 
I often sit and wonder why was this the life i was given? I wish i was able to be a child when I was I child, except all i could dream of was being an adult so I could stand up for myself. I have been living my life as it never happened and thats what makes me go insane. Knowing if i would have told would i have saved some other little girl from going though what im going through. I was scared to tell I didnt think my family would believe me and i didnt want to ruin my aunt's family and cause problems between my mom and her sister. I hold some anger towards my mom for failing to see the signs and not paying attention. I guess who would have thought this would have happened to me 3 times by 3 different people and not including the time i was tounge kissed by a family member and had another family member rub my back and try to take off my bra while i was sleeping. Total up those people and their are 5 people out their that ruined my life. I thought about suicide but I was taught about religion at a young age and dont think the lord would take me to heaven if i did. I never asked for this life, it was given to me. Now I have 3 kids and i watch everything and often have to fight a battle with myself to try and tell myself their is normal people out here and not everyone is out to hurt em. I just never want to overlook something. My kids are my world and my job to them is to give them the best life i can and to protect them 100%. i dont think i could live with myself if something happened to them because to have to live with this stuff everyday is sicking and it never goes away when im with my husband when were getting intimate i have flash backs of what happened to me as a child. I dont think my mother belives me when I tell her what happened to me she kinda said it to me one day when we had an argument she threw it in my face and that ripped my heart right out of my body because all of this happend while i was younger i had no control and thats the exact reason i never told. Who was going to believe me? My dream is to move to Texas to leave this sick place behind I have no real family here I have my selected few but everyday waking up here is like hell to me. I hate this place and want to move my family away.