Can't Take Anymore

by Norbert V
(Hungary)

My father was always a good father, and a good husband, until 2008. He used to go out of the country because he's a musician, and when he came home in 2008 everything changed, first for my mother then later for me.

2009 came. I was 9 at this point. My mother and father argued a lot. First, I didn't understand it. Then in 2010, my mom finally told me why they were arguing. They argued because my father talked to another woman, sent thousands of euros to her, and sent her love texts. When I heard this, I was scared that they would divorce or something, but nothing happened until 2011.

In 2011, my mom decided that enough is enough and we "escaped" to England to my mother's family. My mother then called my father to tell him that we are never coming back. That's when he said he will kill himself if we are not going back to him. My mom changed her mind and we went back after like 3-4 days. My father said that he will stop with the money-sending and texting, and the hour-long phone callings. (And after all these years, he still talks to her and goes out of the house for hours, and always says "it's work").

Then 2016 came. Where all the abusement to me started.

It was the end of the year. I had a big surgery for my dermoid cyst. After the surgery, I had huge pains, pains like I was fainting all the time. The surgery was in August. And after 2 months, my father just started arguing with me every day. Why aren't you going to school? You don't care about school? It was like he forgot my surgery. He said that I'm worthless, piece of sh*t, that I don't know anything about life etc...

And in 2017, in January, my second surgery came with the same illness.

In the first weeks he was understanding, and we didn't argue, until like March. In March it started again (keep in mind, this illness is at my tailbone, so I can't even sit, or run or do anything like this). He started saying things like, if you don't go to school, I won't care about you anymore etc. And in my opinion, my healthiness is more important than the effin school. (I was 17 at this point).

So, I needed to go to school, with a lot pain killers. Even though my teachers said that I don't need to go if I'm still feeling bad. But my father didn't care. Every day we argued. He said I'm useless. (I forgot to add that I played games when I was home sick, so this really bothered him .

And then summer came, school was over, and I was still sick. But finally, I could sit on a pillow. And in September, we decided that we will have another surgery in November. And, the abusement didn't stop. He said I'm useless, I'm bad, I don't know anything about life etc. The illness started in 2016 January. And before 2016, I was not skinny, I was really chubby. And I finally lost some weight. I'm saying this because I didn't have a girlfriend, and I really wanted one. I wanted to feel how the real love feels. I know I sound really naive and stupid, but I needed to add this to my story for you to understand.

So.

After the 2nd surgery in 2017 January, I started to gain weight again. Of course, I started to gain weight because I couldn't sit, cycle, run, go out with my friends, or anything like this.

Back on track in September 2017. My father always said I'm useless, fat, never had girlfriend etc. And my father argued with my mom, how are you raising him??? He said that he will break all of my stuff if I won't start something with my life. (Still my illness was there, with huge pains, it was like he forgot about it. And I still played a lot of games, and watched a lot of YouTube, what else could I have done???)

Then the 3rd surgery came in November. And I'm still in huge pains. I can barely sit, or run, or anything. So basically, I didn't go to school for months because of my illness, and before the third surgery I was forced to by my father, my mom always loves/loved me and supports me with everything till this day.

I'm 18, and still...nothing changed. Still, I'm useless, I'm bad at everything, I don't know how to live life etc. I don't know what to do...

If you read the whole thing, with all of my bad grammar and everything, thank you. If not, that's okay either, I'm glad I found a website where I can write about my story.