Blamed for Being Born

by ScapeGoatChild
(Chicago, IL)

My mother trapped my father with a pregnancy (my older sister) in the early 60's and they got married (that's what you did in 1962).

When my sister was 4 months old, my mother went to the Dr. because her period had not returned. When the doctor told her it was because she was pregnant, she was "DEVASTATED".

When my sister was 10 months old and sleeping through the night I was born, with colic. I cried constantly. According to my mother, my father would bang the crib against the wall, strike me (I was a week old) and scream "SHUT UP SHUT UP!!" My mother would put me in the bouncy chair and put me in the downstairs den, the furthest room from her bedroom and she would leave me there to cry it out. Another quote from my mother "I had a baby to take care of. I couldn't stay up with YOU all night!"
Thank God for Mrs. H, an older neighbor lady who cared for me every day from the age of 1 week. This was before mother/infant bonding was understood.

I did not bond with my mother. I bonded with Mrs. H. My mother was always very cold and distant towards me. On the rare occasion that I was in my mother's care and crying inconsolably, she would take me to Mrs. H. As soon as I was placed in Mrs. H's arms, I stopped crying. My mother would tell me this with such animosity - I rejected HER.

My father told me many times that had I been born a BOY, it would have spared him the embarrassment and humiliation of having 2 babies born in one year, "Like some sort of trashy catholic!" he would say.

As my father terrified and abused me, I grew scared of him. As a baby, I would cry hysterically at the sound of his voice...again, I rejected HIM.

When a parent abuses the Target Child, they will over indulge their Golden Child in an attempt to compensate for their abusive behavior as a parent. The Golden Child will adore and defend the doting parent, and the parent will be justified in their belief that it is the Target Child who is bad. They think to themselves, "See, THIS ONE (Golden Child) loves me! There is something WRONG with that other one."

My father adored and spoiled my older sister. My mother adored and spoiled my younger sister. As the sisters observed the abusive way I was treated, they learned to Scapegoat the target child.

I was punished harshly for any wrong, perceived or real. I was made to do most of the chores like washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, folding laundry and I was denied the praise and gifts that were bestowed on the others.

My older sister viewed me as some sort of defective moron and treated me with an arrogant disdain. My younger sister was SADISTIC in her abuse of me. Both of these sisters would band together to form an alliance against me.

I was not given much, and I took great care of the things I had. My younger sister would grab my things and abuse them. When I would get them away from her, she would run and cry to my father, "Susan SLAPPED ME!" My father would ask her, "what do you want me to do about it?" She would tell him to hit me HARD! My father would call me in and tell me to turn around, and he would spank me a few times while my sister watched with a sadistic smile.

One time on vacation, when I was 5 minutes late, my father took me in the bedroom and gave me one of his 10-minute hair-pulling, face-slapping screaming beat-downs. "You're going to be a drug addict! You're going to be a prostitute! This is for the ni&&er you're going to bring home!" After the beating, I was holding cold washcloths on my face trying to get the swelling down and my older sister came around the corner and with a sneer, aske me why I made him do that.

When my parents got divorced, my father bent over backwards to please my mother's Golden Child, and my mother bent over backwards for my father's Golden Child. Everybody treated me like sh*t.

My older sister went to college with a golden spoon in her mouth. When I mentioned college, I was met with a 10-minute screaming tirade from my father about how much it was costing him to have his princess in college. I was told to "go get a JOB!"

Five years later. my younger sister went to college, no questions asked.

I got a full-time job at 18, and moved about 50 miles away from home. I had no television, no car, no phone, no food. I walked 3 miles to and from work...in February. However, I was happy and proud to have my own place. I made the most out of the ragged dusty sofa (covered with a sheet), the mattress on the floor, and small desk and chair. I have always been creative, so I decorated my place with pictures from magazines and dried flowers and plants.

I tried for YEARS to earn the respect of my family, bending over backwards to kiss their a**es in order to be accepted and treated with the same love, tolerance and respect they showed to each other. I was always treated with disdain and disrespect.

My younger sister's children were showered with gifts, toys, trips, attention and praise. My children were ignored.

At the age of 46, I decided enough was enough. I walked away from my abusive family. I was DONE being the Scapegoat. All of them took out their anger and frustration on me, and now my children and I were through.

After a 5-year separation, I was reunited with my father, and he seemed to have changed. It is a natural human need to feel loved by your parents, so I was happy to be in contact with my father. Eventually, he got me talking to my older sister. Then at Christmas, I saw my younger (extremely narcissistic and ABUSIVE) sister. It only took about 2 months for them to start treating my like sh*t again, and things took a VERY BAD TURN when my father fell ill.

I now find myself being blamed for my father's ill health. I won't go into detail, but being reunited with my family has resulted in an extremely horrible situation for me.

If you grew up in a toxic abusive family, and were the Scapegoat, you have to understand that your siblings most likely suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Believe it or not, they did not escape unscathed from the abusive home.

If you find the strength and courage to WALK AWAY FROM YOUR ABUSERS - STAY AWAY. You cannot change others. You can only change yourself. And your family dynamic WILL NOT CHANGE.

I understand that it will be YOU, the Scapegoat/Targeted Child who suffers the stigma of being "estranged" from your family. Most people don't get it, and believe me, they will not understand if you try to explain. YOU will be blamed for the negative attention generated towards you by your toxic family. People will think there is something wrong with YOU!

When people ask me about my family, I simply say that my parents are deceased, and that I am not very close to my sisters, and then I change the subject. That is all you need to say. Nobody should pry into your personal life, and if they try - ignore them!

Take charge of YOUR life. Know that you are NOT to blame for being mistreated, and that you DESERVE to be happy and free of people whose only aim in life is to put you down in order to make themselves feel superior.

Good luck and know that there are people who understand and are on your side!!