Birth Gender Rejected

by Rahuda
(Maryland, USA)

I was the third daughter of a very misogynist father whom on my birth said I should be a boy. After that all I know is that I was having short boy haircuts. When I joined kindergarten I had problems with making friends because I couldn't identify myself as one of the sexes!

I was living with my grandmother and mother and didn't know my father since I was 5. I went to live in his house when I got 5. When I got there my mom showered me with my boy haircut and told me to meet my dad. She was ashamed of me if I remember well. She gave me a new clothes and showed me the room in which my dad was. I walked the hallway hesitating and when I reached the door I saw him sitting on the sofa with my two elder sisters. They were talking and laughing. As he saw me at the entrance he came over me. I reached to him smiling but to my surprise he grabbed me on my foot and he put me in the air! He started pulling me up and down. I could see my two sisters laughing! I was crying saying let go of me leave me alone but he continued to play with me. I was so traumatized and when he let go of me finally I ran to my mom and started crying. From that day on I started hiding from him.

My mom used to take me to school. I was never in contact with him. I didn't know he was my father as well. I didn't know the concept father existed on first place. I only knew I was existing. Sad story. I was very brilliant at school. My two elder sisters were a team and I was so left out! He used to live in a big mansion with many of his relatives. Then I was given a room with his sister "my aunt" He would always refer me as a boy but I was dying to wear skirts at school like my other school friends.

When I got in first grade I got my first grade report then when I showed him he said why did you get a B and yelled at me. The second semester I got all A's and he said bad boy! You still have the B from last semester! But he kissed my older sister even though she had many C and B! He would slap me if I ate candy or sweets, he would throw away my gifts from my friends!

One day I won a reading competition and I was given a video cassette as a prize! When I showed him he slapped me. I told him it was a gift then he said sorry. One day we went to a pastry shop and he asked me what I wanted when I said I want an ice cream he slapped me on the face. I know this was repetitive and I was getting used to it! I was still wearing a boy haircut and wearing boy clothes. I started to be less efficient in my grades and started having behavioral problems. I only had one jeans and one boy shoes the whole year. I started having attitude problems in my class. When my teachers reported it to my parents they would hit me with a belt all over my body. I remember once I was playing with my friend and I accidentally threw his white fluid on the floor. My teacher which was friends to my mom she called her on the phone. Both my parents came and took me from school it was the longest ride. When I arrived home the put me in a dark room and my father took his belt off and started hitting me endlessly all over my body and face. Then my mom bought a scissor and she cut my hair to a clean cut. I was crying so much and my body was full of marks then they left me home. My older sisters started doing the same thing to me as well. They would always hit me so bad!

My school bag was a mess it was full of stains and was torn apart. My father would always forget to come after school that we had to wait him until 7 pm after we had gone out at 2 pm! He really hated women. He always referred to them as dogs inferior creatures. Weak creatures that get pregnant. He really hated pregnant women.

After school I would spend my days at home alone I didn't know anything about me. I didn't know my religion who my father was etc... My father continued hitting me since even after I grew up. My mom was very dramatic as well she would always hit me with a belt. And she regularly cut my hair. I really hate my childhood. I wonder how it could have been if I grew up with my own gender and loving family.

Right now I have big problems communicating with people and I am very traumatized by guys! I never knew the difference between the two genders! I didn't know whether I was a girl or boy :( everyone in the school would ask me my gender!

I moved in the United States and started a part time job in an ice-cream shop. Seeing fathers buy ice-cream for their daughters makes me remind of the slap :( when I got in ninth grade.

My older sister got schizophrenia :( I passed my high school with her being schizophrenic :(

I wish I knew what was like to be a normal girl! I know god one day will show me the way! I hate my dad so much. He is an evil who never showed me love! I feel lonely.