Comments for Behind The Mask - The Hidden Dangers Of Not Being Allowed To Be True To Oneself

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Mar 25, 2012
 Elaine:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Interesting piece. As I move through my own life, I realize we don't know what we don't know. Science, psychology and spirituality are melding together more and more as we move through what we see as linear time. And when I say spirituality, I'm not talking about religion or doctrine. I believe our true self, what I sometimes refer to as Who You Really Are, comes from a much deeper place than psychology has been able to identify. "Self" as I use the term, does not speak to a person's character, personality or any human need; I use the term "Self" to speak to that inner place that does not require any thought or action...simply being. As a society, we do not allow children to simply be Who They Really Are. We infuse our expectations and biases on them, we teach them right from wrong in ways that often use and perpetuate violence, we tell them how to think and feel, and all too often we teach them they aren't worthy. I believe that when we all become true to Who We Really Are then we'll have made an important evolutionary step. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with my visitors and me, Elaine. Sending you love, light and healing energy, always.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Mar 25, 2012
 Who we are
by: JJGavinJr

Thank you for your very informative writing.I have written my story on who I am on this web site. I can only guess at who the real me is. The abuse physical and mental has distorted my view on who the real me actually is. I was traumatized and controlled to the point dying was seen as a way to stop it all. I vowed very early on to fight what I felt was a grave injustice against me by my parents. I was never ever their son I was treated like a machine you turned on and off when needed. I have been trying to prove that I am some one and I am worth existing beyond used to do work. I feel we are sourced from many flows of information first and foremost our parental supplied genes. The genes of our past back in diminishing degrees. Our early environment in particular. We are also the product of our souls which is a combination of all our inputs known and unknown. I am 79 in this coming may and I am still trying to prove my worth and I don't see that changing any time soon. I will win this contest in the end.
Mar 26, 2012
 To JJGavinJr
by: Elaine Ellis

Thank you for reading, and thank you for commenting. Insight from other people's points of view is always a fascinating thing. The comments I receive are always a source of intense interest. So many are so very perceptive - insightful. I learn new things about myself, and others, every time I read a comment.
You say in your comment that you are struggling constantly to prove your self-worth. To validate yourself, and to feel good about yourself. I note that you state that you are now in your 70s, and that you still find it difficult to see your true self-worth.
Yet what you write in your comment shows a degree of self-awareness, and insight that many other people do NOT possess. You, yourself, admit that your lack of self-esteem stems from abuse that you have endured in the past. You also acknowledge that you believe people to be products of a combination of forces; both innate and hereditary; and also of the effects of upbringing and socialization.
The way you word this is BEAUTIFUL - poetic, almost. You have used your OWN unique language to describe experiences and emotions shared by us all.
And I completely agree! Each human combines within, both their "internal" and "external" - the hidden, intensely personal aspect of their "self", and the visible "persona" that they present to the world.
JJ - YOU possess MUCH more to feel worthy of than you allow yourself to believe. Your words carry wisdom, and sensitivity. YOU have reached your seventieth decade - an achievement in itself. And yet you come across in your writing as someone with a passion for life. SOMEBODY WHO IS STILL CURIOUS, STILL WANTS TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THEMSELF.
This is a GOOD thing. Believe me. Take this thought with you every day, and ask yourself this...
If you ever reach a point where there is NOTHING more to learn, and you have NO more ways of reinventing yourself, then WHERE do you go from there? What is there left to live for?
Carry on being curious. Carry on in the knowledge that you/we can NEVER know everything. The simple fact that you have the modesty and common-sense to acknowledge this speaks volumes for a human being who has much to feel worthwhile about.
Mar 26, 2012
 we do and do not know as humans
by: jjgavinjr

To Elaine Ellis, first of all thank you for communicating with me, I am so moved. I have always been interested and motivated to learn and I recognize my parents by their abuse of me, has triggered the very strong desire to prove my worth, since they never did, even in the simplest way. My view is its quite obvious to me just look up in the sky on a clear night and what you see is so vast its beyond human comprehension at least to me. Many of those very small lights you see have been extinguished for millions of years but at the speed of light the light is still coming to us even though it no longer is emitted from the source.Light travels at 186,000 miles per second. See what I am getting at. Humanity cant even make a single drop of blood or grow a single strand of human hair, I'll be gone before I can really get going, Thanks mom and dad for creating the drive, at least you did one thing for me.
Mar 27, 2012
 To JJGavinJr, and all other readers, especially Darlene
by: Elaine Ellis

The experiencing of abuse changes, and marks us all. It is not something that any child should have to go through.
But Darlene has provided, here, a site where individuals can come together; to share their experiences, and to provide moral and emotional support, and to learn from the experiences of others. It is a site built upon the inspiration of one, and fuelled by the strength, resilience and resourcefulness of many.
Each person who shares their experience of abuse is offering both a very personal gift (their own insight), and a potential learning experience. And, each time a person does this, the "word" about child abuse spreads just that little further. It is exposed, and known for what it is. Its stranglehold is eroded just a little further.
Truth is, we cannot know, at first glance, whether the person before us is a survivor of abuse, or not. At the end of the day, the survivor of abuse is just an "ordinary" person.
But we are EXTRAORDINARY, too. We have proven (just by getting this far) that we are resilient, resourceful, tough, tolerant, patient, self-deprecating, caring, sensitive, gentle... ALL THESE, AND MORE, ARE THE QUALITIES THAT OUR ABUSERS SO ENVIED. QUALITIES THAT WE POSSESS, AND THEY DO NOT. That's probably why they chose to pick on us in the first place!
Survivors of abuse clearly have a huge array of hidden resources. Strengths and personality traits that they have drawn upon to get them through the experience of abuse, and out the other side. It is for them to begin to explore these resources, talents, strengths (or whatever) once they are beginning to recover. This may be a path TO recovery.
And, as JJ so succinctly puts it, humans have a great capacity to learn anew. There are always new experiences to be had - some seriously amazing, some more apparently mundane. But ALL equally special.
So, like JJ, look up at the stars in the night sky in wonder and awe. They are as old as time. How amazing is that? To be given the gift of looking back in time? Yet we rarely even stop to realize!
Our abusers would never see the beauty in a sunset. Or acknowledge the joy of hearing the sea, echoing in a shell. Would THEY think the ladybird cute? Breathe in the smell of their newborn baby with glee? Revel in the excitement of horseback-riding?
ALL pretty mundane things, in their own way. And to the person whose only "kick" in life is to abuse others, they will probably STAY mundane. But, for the rest of us...
GET OUT THERE. See the world as you alone see it. Live your own life. Find pleasure in whatever pleases YOU. Provided what you do isn't harming others, then surely it's YOUR business alone as to what you get your "kicks" from!
Mar 27, 2012
 The company I keep
by: jjgavinjr

Hi Elaine & Darlene
When I was around seven years of age I found myself living in a Lions cage with a very hungry Lion just inches away from me 24/7. The genes that made me produced a very, very angry person, ME.I hated who I was, where I was and where I saw myself going, no where good. I realized one thing though and that was
the treatment I received I did not deserve and felt it was so unjust that I VOWED NEVER TO ALLOW IT TO BEAT ME. I will prove them wrong and that I can and will never give in and quit. All of my life I have been accepting opportunities that came my way, embraced them and ran with them as fast and as far as I can. When the challenge ceased to exist I created a new one. I read, watch TV always on learning new items or material. I cant turn it off, my foot is to the floor and I am going as fast as I can, absorbing as much as I can. I have to thank my parents for telling me to shut up and be seen and not heard forever. THANKS MOM AND DAD I cant believe I am communicating with the likes of you two utterly fantastic people, me, little stupid me.

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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