Are these long-term effects of sexual abuse for male survivors?

by John C.
(Smithtown, New York, USA)

I have very fractured memories of child sexual abuse and torture from when I was four, lasting about a year. Now I'm middle-aged and I see that my siblings have all gotten married, some have had children, but I have never been able to be intimate with anyone--ever. I can be friends, but any touching terrifies me--for my whole life. My siblings experienced physical beatings at the same childcare facility but they were a few years older and they said they weren't sexually abused.

Are my troubles related to the early childhood sexual abuse? For example, I had to be excused from gym classes a long time ago in high school because I was terrified of being naked in the showers with people. Even up to a few years ago I began acting out child abuse, talking about it to my students. I even acted out anal rape (as a teacher talking about it) and was fired for this. I don't remember much of that episode. Do you think all of this is related to child sexual abuse, the torture when I was four?

John C.M.

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